I enjoyed my study yesterday of the Anti-Nephi-Lehi’s and want to continue that study today.
I’d left off yesterday with this section from Alma 24:
12 Now, my best beloved brethren, since God hath taken away our stains, and our swords have become bright, then let us stain our swords no more with the blood of our brethren.
I love this section of scripture; it applies directly to me too.
13 Behold, I say unto you, Nay, let us retain our swords that they be not stained with the blood of our brethren; for perhaps, if we should stain our swords aagain they can no more be bwashed bright through the blood of the Son of our great God, which shall be shed for the atonement of our sins.
This reminds me of the boundaries Becky was inspired to send to me – both boundaries of things I couldn’t do if I wanted to, at some point, gain back her trust, and also suggestions of things I could do in order to gain back that trust.
14 And the great God has had mercy on us, and made these things known unto us that we might not perish; yea, and he has made these things known unto us beforehand, because he loveth our asouls as well as he loveth our children; therefore, in his mercy he doth visit us by his angels, that the bplan of salvation might be made known unto us as well as unto future generations.
15 Oh, how merciful is our God! And now behold, since it has been as much as we could do to get our stains taken away from us, and our swords are made bright, let us ahide them away that they may be kept bright, as a testimony to our God at the last day, or at the day that we shall be brought to stand before him to be judged, that we have not stained our swords in the blood of our brethren since he imparted his word unto us and has made us bclean thereby.
I’ve written about my own boundaries and weapons of war before and want to review them.
First the boundaries:
These are boundaries Becky shared with me in mid-July 2014. I appreciated these boundaries and plan to review them frequently in my recovery.
If Nate feels triggered by feelings of lust or has a slip, I need him to tell me about it within the day (perhaps at our nightly AEIOUY discussion). If he fails to disclose the trigger or slip, then he will need to stay in the guest room for a night.
If Nate picks up one of his “weapons of war”, such as Facebook, Twitter, staying up late after I have gone to bed, excessive phone use, he needs to tell me about it and discuss what happened within the day (perhaps at our nightly AEIOUY discussion). If he fails to disclose what has happened or why he picked up the weapon, then he will need to stay in the guest room for a night.
If Nate is exhibiting addictive behaviors such as anger, irritability, blame, stonewalling, defensiveness, selfishness, etc., then I will detach from the situation and write a letter explaining what behavior I am seeing, and why it is triggering feelings of fear for me. I will give Nate the letter, and we can discuss it at an appropriate time. If the discussion goes well, then we will both come to a place of greater trust and understanding. If the discussion does not go well, then we will probably both need some space to reflect on the status of our own perceptions and our own relationship, and he will sleep in the guest room until we can resolve the feelings/behaviors that are occurring.
If Nate is consistently exhibiting addictive behaviors such as anger, irritability, blame, stonewalling, defensiveness, selfishness, etc., without being willing to admit these behaviors or address their cause, then I will ask him to remove himself from our home during the work day, sleep in the guest room at night, and commit to begin seeing a counselor weekly.
If Nate begins habitually acting out with pornography, Facebook, or any of his other weapons of war, or habitually exhibits addictive behaviors which create a contentious and toxic atmosphere in our home, then we will separate.
If Nate has an extramarital affair of any kind (this would include a pattern of texting, instant messaging, communicating on Facebook) on any level (even if it has not reached a level of a sexual nature yet), then we will begin mediation for divorce.
Obviously, the inherent consequence of any of these actions will be to further damage the already obliterated trust in him as a person, as well as between us in our relationship, and further prolong the healing of our relationship and decrease the likelihood of our marriage being able to move forward.
Good “Boundaries”
–These are things Nate can do to help increase the feelings of safety and security in our home and relationship, and help rebuild my trust in him as a person of integrity and hope in our relationship
If Nate shows commitment to his own personal recovery by:
– proactively attending 12 Step Meetings
– personally working the program consistently with a sponsor
– initiating our couple scripture study
– initiating full disclosure and ongoing check-ins with the Bishop, and AEIOUY nightly discussions it will help me to believe that his heart is in recovery, and he is not just “going through the motions.”
If Nate continues to be patient with me and my recovery, to seek the Spirit to listen to me and guide me to answers I need, to take accountability for the pain and fear he has brought into my life, and to show remorse for the way he has broken my heart, it will help me to be able to believe that he could truly love me.
If Nate shows consistency in his ability to have patience and love for our children (particularly Caleb), it will help me believe that his continued efforts for repentance and consistency in keeping the commandments are allowing the Spirit to return to his life and change his heart.
If Nate can continue to bridle his passions and keep them “within the bounds the Lord has set,” if he can establish a new way of thinking where his sexual needs are not the predominant force in his life and the predominant demand and problem in our relationship, then it will help me to trust that the Spirit is helping him to come to a place of righteousness and selflessness, and that we can build a healthy relationship that I can trust.
If Nate can continue to fulfill his role as husband, father, and protector without feelings of resentment or feeling that he is underappreciated or not getting enough recognition, but rather with a sense of gratitude to have the honor of filling that role in this eternal family, it will help me trust in his ability to be a righteous patriarch in our home, and that our family has a good chance to grow and learn together in the protection of the Lord, and that Nate will honor his stewardship, protect us, and lead us back to Father.
As I review these, I realize more today than ever how lucky I am to be where I am today: with my family, making progress, and feeling the Spirit in my life again.
I’m so grateful that Becky and I are able to talk each night about the AEIOUs and we are able to resolve any concerns we may have.
I’m grateful that I am living one day at a time and trying hard to submit my life and will over to God.
I’m grateful that I’m living in recovery today and have buried my weapons of war.
Here are my weapons of war:
Here’s a list I came up with:
- Youtube
- Any other social networks
- Browsing the internet
- Critical thoughts about Becky
- Thoughts about what’s in it for me or when am I going to get what’s due to me
- Talking about Becky’s tone
- Telling Becky she always thinks she’s right
- Staying up late
- Looking at my phone when we go to bed
So today I ask myself, “Are there any I’ve left out?” “How am I doing with each of these weapons?” “Have they been kept clean?”
Facebook has definitely remained buried. The only times I’ve been on Facebook have been for work with Karen or I posted a picture of baby Tyson (all of these times Becky knew about and gave me permission). I say she gave me permission with no resentment at all – I’m so grateful she’s willing to work with me and have never felt she is micro-managing me at all. I’m grateful to have kept this weapon buried.
Youtube – I feel I need to remain cautious here. I have used Youtube for a couple things: 1) tutorials for a few things related to work 2) watching Jimmer highlights 3) Mormon messages. I haven’t seen anything that would put my level or recovery in question, but, as the Anti-Nephi-Lehi’s, I want to remain so far away from temptation that I’m willing to give my life for what I believe. One thing I do feel good about is using Covenant Eyes as a way to monitor what I’m doing online. Then, if Becky has any questions, we can talk about them and review what shows up in the reports.
Instagram and other social media – I’ve stayed away from this for the most part. I have been on Twitter a couple times, both of which I told Becky about. And I do get email notifications from Twitter sometimes that show peoples tweets in my network. I have always talked with Becky about these and haven’t clicked through them except one time to watch a basketball video – which I told Becky about. I want to remain aware of these weapons and make sure I don’t get casual.
Browsing the computer – I feel like having Covenant Eyes has been really helpful for this and I’m really focused on using my time best today.
Critical thoughts about Becky – these have remained buried. Any thoughts at all that are concerning have always been talked about in our nightly talks. These talks have been essential to ongoing recovery for me.
Selfish thoughts – I feel these have remained buried. I think at times they come back and Becky and I have talked about them. I’m grateful she’s able to be open with me about her U’s and that I have the Spirit enough to not get defensive or argumentative.
Talking about Becky’s tone – I haven’t heard it nor have I looked for it. Definitely buried!
Telling Becky she always thinks she’s right – well, first off, she is most of the time 🙂 and second, I don’t feel like I have that disposition right now of arguing with her about things. I’m grateful for this change of heart and will continue to work on keeping this one day at a time.
Staying up late – other than with Becky to talk, I feel things are going pretty good here. I have only stayed up late a few times to watch a show with Becky or maybe a game. I do want to make sure I don’t stay up on my phone after Becky goes to bed – even if it’s looking at the news or ESPN.
Looking at my phone when we go to bed – I think I need to be more careful about this. Beck and I read our scriptures together at night with my phone and at times I am working with my contractors in the evening due to time differences. I’ll want to talk to Becky about how I can handle this best.
My Biggest Fear
I think my biggest fear now that I’m done with the step work is that I will fall back into not studying, not feeding myself spiritually, and ultimately, falling back into addictive behaviors and then addictive actions.
I don’t want this to happen.
I’m willing to do whatever it takes for this not to happen.
I will sponsor as many people as I can so I stay busy doing other things.
But today I am living in recovery and today I’m submitting my life and will to God.
Hasta manana!
Nate
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