What am I feeling right now?
Church was good: one of the ladies who shared her testimony was the former spouse if a porn addict and then married a recovering drug addict. Unfortunately I didn’t get to hear the whole thing because J felt sick so I took him out and he puked in the kitchen garbage can at the church.
That wasn’t fun.
Another hard thing for me at church sometimes is the little things the kids do. I need to let go of this “control” tendency and just do my best to listen and get what I can from the talks.
I feel lonely. I really miss Becky. I miss talking to her. I miss working together. I miss her smile. I miss holding her. I miss sharing what I’m learning. I miss sharing feelings and feeling connected emotionally. As I write this, though, I realize that my primary connection must be with God. If I connect with Him, all other things work out. This is a basic principle but so often it’s an easy one to forget or even disbelieve.
I feel overwhelmed. I don’t know why for sure. It could be the work I need to do for the U, or for Wachter, or for the new deals I’m getting. It seems there are always lingering projects I need to push forward. I need to just take things a day at a time, prioritize, and chip away. I need to also be aware of procrastinating things that scare me or are hard to do.
I feel frustrated. Both at myself and at the kids. At myself because of how I’m seeming to overreact to things the kids are doing. At myself because I’m not connected with God in this moment. At the kids because they are kids and have a hard time listening or following directions at times.
I feel nervous. I think I am worried something will happen to Becky or Tyson. I think I’m worried about getting things done. I think I’m worried about scout camp. I think I’m thinking ahead too much. I also feel nervous for Jayden’s health and hope it is just an upset stomach and not something worse. I also feel nervous about the tubular slide and how I’m going to stabilize it. I feel nervous about still having the Brown’s tools too.
I feel disconnected from God. There is something I can do with this one. I can do what I don’t feel like doing. I can reach out to Him. I can ask for His help. I can search for answers and direction. I can put more of my trust in Him.
I feel shame. I feel this for how I overreact to the kids. They aren’t perfect and neither am I. I need to be less critical of them and let them be kids.
I’m going to rest for 30 minutes and then take next steps…