Today is a new day.
Yesterday was hard.
Beck isn’t doing very well right now. A large part of it is due to an article she read by a “psychologist” from BYU that basically said pornography isn’t that big of a deal, isn’t an addiction, and just needs to be used responsibly. He also said that women need to realize that men’s sexual drive is greater than women’s.
I don’t even want to read the article.
She also went to Facebook and saw that someone we both know from UCAP a few years ago had been divorced due to his addiction.
All of these things triggered fear and hopelessness.
All of these things caused her to relive what I’ve put her through due to my actions.
And all of these things made the day pretty tough for me too – in addition to my own feelings that I have to be aware of and surrender.
So, today is a new day.
My question to myself is this:
How can I connect with God today?
I feel I really need His connection.
I feel overwhelmed and nervous.
I feel frustrated.
I feel anxious.
I feel lonely.
Why do I feel these things?
Overwhelmed and Nervous
I feel these things because I have a lot going on with work but am reliant on others, especially my programmers, to get things done in a timely way. They aren’t full time employees so they get things done when they can get them done. This is hard for me to deal with and cause a lot of nervous tension.
I feel this way because I don’t have the control of the outcomes in some of these cases. I can hire more, I can push more, but ultimately, I can’t make them do the work any quicker – and sometimes I’m not even sure what needs to be done next.
I think I always have this feeling, at least at some level, due to work responsibilities. Running my own firm, growth, ongoing work, new deals, selling, fulfilling – all this can be stressful. I want to be the best I can be. I want to be organized and efficient. I want to hit goals and exceed client expectations. It’s hard to do this alone, but I don’t always know the best next step to take. I do have great guys I work with and they are efficient and get the job done. I just need to make sure my own expectations are realistic.
Especially on days like yesterday, when I feel really distant from Beck, I feel lonely. I know I need to let this go, realize I can’t control her or row her boat, and that I don’t have to rely on connection with her. But, it’s still difficult when I feel we aren’t connected at all. I went with her to the ward party last night and felt so isolated. It’s so interesting how our bishop seems to treat me since the meeting she had with him. He won’t make eye contact. Yesterday I was talking with another guy in the ward. He came up, said hi to the guy, talked to him for a bit. And, after a few minutes, finally said hi to me and made slight eye contact. I felt like calling him out…
Anyway, those are the feelings.
Now the answer to the question, “How can I connect with God today?”
I looked on LDS.org for some answers and was guided to the OvercomingPornography.org website. I’m not sure if I’m just being prideful, or what, but every time I hear/see the phrase “overcome pornography” I get so frustrated.
I don’t think it can. It’s like the analogy of the rowboat vs. the battleship. Never is a rowboat going to sink a battleship. It’s just too big of a task. Instead, I can surrender my will to God and let Him do the heavy lifting.
There’s a story in Mosiah about this very thing I believe.
10 And it came to pass that so great were their afflictions that they began to cry mightily to God.
This is surrender. They didn’t try to DO more to overcome their afflictions – they submitted their will to God and ask for His help.
11 And Amulon commanded them that they should stop their cries; and he aput guards over them to watch them, that whosoever should be found calling upon God should be put to death.
I think this is interesting too – Satan knew that if they surrendered to God and ask for His help – they would get the help they needed, not to OVERCOME, but to be delivered and supported. So, in this case, Satan directed Amulon to make them stop praying out loud.
This is the ongoing practice of prayer and surrender and supplication to God in every moment.
13 And it acame to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.
Only God can deliver me out of bondage. I can’t do this myself.
14 And I will also ease the aburdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as bwitnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their cafflictions.
This is an answer too – “I will also ease the burdens…” He didn’t say He would take them away or even help the people overcome them.
15 And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did astrengthen them that they could bear up theirbburdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with cpatience to all the will of the Lord.
Another answer – the “burdens which were laid upon [them] were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.”
THIS IS THE ANSWER! I didn’t read a single word in that scripture that talked about OVERCOME. Instead I read that their burdens were made light, they were strengthened, they could bear up their burdens with ease (this reminds me of progressive victory), and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.
Does it get any more clear than that?
16 And it came to pass that so great was their faith and their patience that the voice of the Lord came unto them again, saying: Be of good comfort, for on the morrow I will deliver you out of bondage.
Again, He DELIVERED them out of bondage, they didn’t overcome the problems.
21 Yea, and in the valley of Alma they poured out their athanks to God because he had been merciful unto them, and eased their bburdens, and had delivered them out of bondage; for they were in bondage, and none could deliver them except it were the Lord their God.
I love this too – they gave thanks to God, recognized His merciful hand, that He had “eased their burdens, and had delivered them out of bondage; for they were in bondage, and non could deliver them except it were the Lord their God.”
22 And they gave athanks to God, yea, all their men and all their women and all their children that could speak lifted their voices in the praises of their God.
I just got off the phone with the Church office building, both to try to schedule a meeting with Elder Holland and also to talk with the Ensign about getting that letter published there.
Both calls went really well. The one with the Ensign was probably the best. Talked to the secretary who has been through this problem and seems to be living in her own recovery from the trauma.
I look forward to sharing all this with Becky.
Here’s one other answer I got from an email from some random marketer about focus:
To be focused, I can practice these things:
- Clear the clutter
- Reduce the complexity – get rid of stuff, unnecessary tasks, obligations and relationships. “You can do almost anything you want, but you can’t do everything you want.” What’s most important?
- Expand the silence
I feel really good right now!