It was a pretty good weekend. I had the chance to talk with Jason about my challenges. I found being in a different environment, one where I was actively participating in my addiction at the time, was a bit challenging.
Some of the reasons I feel it was challenging:
- Lots of resentments toward family members and how they act
- Frustration with how I’m treated at home
- Frustration with how my kids act around Grandpa and Grandma
- Frustration with how Becky acts when we visit my family – she seems more stressed, on edge, and specifically picky about what I do or don’t do
- Frustration with myself for having the thoughts and mindset seem to “come back” some while in this particular environment
- Things that had happened in the past were brought back to remembrance just by being in certain locations
Today I’m going to re-read Step 6, review my questions and answers, and assess where I’m at with my “Change of Heart”.
Notes from the Reading
I need and want to be “praying more intently, pondering the scriptures more regularly…”.
I do feel my addictions tempt me less intensely and less often.
…we noticed that abstinence seemed to make our character weaknesses more visible, especially to ourselves.”
I’ve really noticed this. Some of my big character weaknesses include lack of patience with Becky and the kids, being selfish with my time, and not being consistent in the things that need to be most important to me (Scripture Study and Prayer). I’m also often negative at work and wish I was doing something else, although I’m not exactly sure what the “something else” really is.
…if we wanted not only to avoid our addictions but actually lose the desire to return to them, we had to experience a change of heart…you may realize that you still cling to old ways of reacting to and coping with stresses in life – maybe even more so now that you have let go of your addictions.”
I guess one thing I can do is review my “Resentments” from Steps 4. I do feel that some of these character weaknesses have become harder to manage since I don’t have a way to “release” them through acting out. I also feel my pride has been manifest more, as sometimes I think “If [she] would only have read the manual or be studying it now like I am…”
Probably the most humbling thing to acknowledge is that you still harbor a prideful desire to change without the help of God.”
AMEN! I feel I continue to submit my will to God and then take it back.
Like steps 1 and 2, step 6 requires you to humble yourself and admit your need for the redeeming and transforming power of Christ…If you trust Him and have patience with the process, you will see your pride gradually replaced by humility. He will wait patiently for you to weary of your own unaided effort to change, and as soon as you turn to Him you will witness once again His love and power in your behalf. Your resistance to letting go of old patterns of behavior will be replaced by an open mind as the Spirit gently suggest a better way of living. Your fear of change will diminish as you realize the Lord understands the pain and hard work it requires.
I have had a tougher day today for some reason. By tough I mean I looked at one of my friends Facebook pictures, just to see what was going on. I also browsed through pictures we’d taken at the last cheer and dance competition. I remember thinking, “I shouldn’t go this route…” but did so anyway. In both case, I didn’t see things but it’s all about the INTENT.
I know there is more I need to do to develop a change of heart.
Consistency in the small things is probably the most important factor. I need to put my complete trust in Heavenly Father, let Him direct my path, be patient to get answers, but be looking for them through study of the scriptures, diligent prayer, and BECOMING the right person in all I do.
I’m grateful for the time I made today to write these things out.
I know I have more work to do.
Things I’m Thankful For
- That I didn’t continue to browse pictures
- That I recognized what was happening
- That I took time at the first of the day to do this work (didn’t finish until the end but…)
- That Becky and I both want to be on the same page
- That we were able to go see my family