What is Relapse & Why Does it Happen

Yes, unfortunately, I had a relapse last week (actually a week ago today – and the next day too).

I’m not sure why it happened.

I haven’t been to the meeting for a while due to C’s basketball schedule. What I’d like to do is find a meeting I could go to in the middle of the day or at least a back up meeting for when I can’t go on Thursday nights.

I feel I’ve been stagnant for a while when it comes to progress with the program and 12 Steps. I did really well until about step 10 or step 9. Then I just stopped. Not sure it was for fear of the unknown, fear that I didn’t really want to give my complete will over to God, or what, but I haven’t been on my “A” game for a while in relation to study and progress.

So now what?

I’ve talked with the bishop a few times when I’ve had relapses. The truth is, I feel he doesn’t really understand how serious it is. Or maybe he does and he doesn’t want me to beat myself up about it. I don’t know.

I haven’t talked with B about the relapse yet. Not only do I hate the way it makes her feel, but I can see the disappointment in her eyes for multiple days after I announce my error.

I’ve been thinking a lot about talking with Dad about my issues. Yes, I’m scared to disappoint him too, but I feel we could talk about it and he would be someone I could confide in.

So what is relapse?

The dictionary defines it as “Suffer deterioration after a period of improvement.” At About.com it says this about relapse:

“In the context of addictive behaviors, a relapse occurs when the addict resumes his or her addictive behavior after a period of abstinence.”

“Relapse is a hallmark of addiction; it is common, even expected, that people who are attempting to overcome an addiction will go through one or even several relapses before successfully quitting.”

“Yet many people attempting to quit an addiction will feel they have failed if they relapse. They might abandon their efforts, feeling that quitting is too difficult for them.”

I’m confident that having a sponsor is a good idea to look into again. The tough thing for me is that I don’t know the people in the group as much recently.

I hope to be able to go to the meeting this week with a prayer to know who would be best to talk to about becoming a sponsor for me.

If I could have a perfect day, this is how it would work:

Morning Routine

• 6:00 a.m. – Wake up
• 6:05 – 6:35 a.m. – Do some form of exercise for 30 minutes
• 6:40 a.m. – Shower/shave for 15 minutes
• 7:00 – 7:45 a.m. – Read something spiritual: scriptures, Ensign, LDS.org, spiritual book for 30 minutes
  • Write in journal 15 minutes
• 7:45 – 8:00 a.m. – Pray/Meditate
• 8:00 a.m. – Help kids get ready
• 8:15 a.m. – Breakfast with family
• 8:30 a.m. – Start the work day

I’m not sure how I would manage my day to day schedule during the day since it can be a bit unscheduled.

I know on Tuesday and Thursdays from 12:00 – 3:30 p.m. I’m guaranteed to be here.

I know on Thursday mornings I always have a meeting at 7:30 a.m. – 9:00 a.m.

Sometimes on Thursdays I have a meeting with Karen from 10:00 – 12:00 ish.

I will be thinking about how I can better structure my day during the day.

Things I usually do during the day:

• Answer emails
• Contact new FS leads
• Work on MM work
• Process CO orders
• Create bids for FS leads
• Create bids for MM leads
• Contact new MM leads
• Read articles for MM

If I was to put these in order of most important to least important, they would probably go as follows:

1. Contact new FS leads
2. Create bids for new FS leads
3. Contact new MM leads
4. Create bids for new MM leads
5. Process CO orders
6. Work on MM projects
7. Answer emails
8. Read articles for MM

So, with that all mapped out, I can schedule my daily tasks accordingly by getting the most important things done first.

Evening Routine

• Monday
  • Madi has dance from 4:00 – 6:00
  • Becky has class from 5:00 – 7:00
  • I play basketball from 9:00 – 11:30ish
• Tuesday
  •  Madi has dance from 5:00 – 6:00
• Wednesday
• Thursday
  •  Meeting at 7:30
• Friday
  •  Becky has class from 5:30 – 7:00
• In Bed by 10:30 p.m.
• Read a little
• Lights out by 11:00 p.m.

I’m going to print off this section of my journal entry and have it somewhere where I can see it all the time.