Yesterday was a great day. I felt so close to Beck and the kids, controlled my temper, and overall felt I submitted my will to God.
However, with near perfect days, I get a bit nervous that they aren’t real – that I’m just “faking it ’til I make it” or something.
I feel like, as I write this, that that is what Satan wants me to feel: he wants me to think I can’t do this, he wants me to think I’m going to fall back into patterns from the past, he wants me to be miserable and full of pain. He doesn’t want me to read my scriptures or pray or be in recovery, because by doing those things, he’s losing the battle.
ONE DAY AT A TIME is critical. All I can do is worry about today. And today has started really well. I feel so close to Beck today too and to the kids. Caleb has been such a great helper with JJ. He plays with him, talks to him, and seems to be teaching him good things. Chloe and Madi play so well together too – they are really funny to watch, especially when they don’t know you’re watching. Yesterday they were making up songs and singing to each other. A sample of the lyrics would go like this:
I hate you, I hate you, no wait, I love you now. You are my friend, and I love you…
I wanted to record it but then it would have turned weird so I just listened non-nonchalantly and tried not to laugh out loud.
I really felt the Spirit yesterday at the meeting in Springville. These are the notes I took and shared:
The war chapters are an analogy of the addictive cycle for me.
Captain Moroni is a powerful support person helping build fortifications. (I then shared Alma 48:11-13 about who Captain Moroni was and how I felt that related to recovery.)
– personal scripture study
– personal and ongoing prayer and submissiveness
– coming to meetings
– writing in my journal
– meeting with a counselor
– praying in the moment of temptation
– putting on the armor, building the walls, not letting the enemy in in any way, being aware that the enemy is there
– avoiding internal contention so that the enemy can’t sneak up and attack
As they kept the commandments, they prospered
As they didn’t, they were cut off from the spirit
I also shared about recovery vs. sobriety for me. To me, recovery = submission and sobriety = abstinence. One way I felt that in the past I had sobriety but not recovery was just in they way I looked at others. For an addict, just looking at a person (even though I’ve even heard a mission president or bishop say it’s ok to look at a girl if it’s only once) is a form of lust, especially if you’re looking at the person in the places that you shouldn’t be.
Practicing the “Chin Up” approach – looking at everyone from the chin up, is one very specific way I feel I can measure my level of recovery and submission. I feel I was trying to do this at first when I was sober before. But very quickly I remember telling myself, “It’s fine to just look once…” or “That’s really no big deal, I see other guys looking at girls and they are married and are fine…”
But what do I know that they aren’t addicts too?
And I don’t really care what other guys are doing: I know what I need to do in order to bridle my passions and stay within the bounds the Lord has set for me.
So today will be another day where I choose to submit my will to God 100%, where I choose to look at others from the chin up, and where I live another day in recovery.
I am reading an article from LDS.org titled Be Strong and of Good Courage. These are some things that really stuck out:
We cleave unto the Lord as we hold personal and family scripture study, personal and family prayer, and family home evening. We also cleave unto Him as we partake of the sacrament, magnify our callings, worship in the temple often, obey the commandments, and repent when we fall short. These practices allow the Holy Ghost to abide with us and help us recognize and avoid snares and traps.
This is submitting my will to God!
Cleaving unto God is submitting. And by submitting, I allow the Holy Ghost to abide with me and help me recognize and avoid snares and traps of Satan.
We will have the power to stand strong as we live by His words—seeking and following His guidance in the scriptures and from His servants. Yes, we live “in enemy territory,”3 but the enemy cannot conquer the Lord, our Savior, who was sent to help us and to save us.
To me, this confirms that the war chapters in the Book of Mormon are written in some ways as an analogy for the war we are fighting now with Satan. These ideas relate to what I shared about how I may never fight in a real war with guns and ammo, but I’m actually in a war right now – living in “enemy territory”. As I re-read the war chapters in the Book of Mormon, I’m going to focus on this even more and find how I can apply it.
“We will all face fear, experience ridicule, and meet opposition. Let us—all of us—have the courage to defy the consensus, the courage to stand for principle. Courage, not compromise, brings the smile of God’s approval. Courage becomes a living and an attractive virtue when it is regarded not only as a willingness to die manfully but also as the determination to live decently.”
President Thomas S. Monson, “Be Strong and of a Good Courage,” Liahona, May 2014, 69.
I’m grateful for the words of the Lord’s servants and how they bring me peace and assurance.
I’m grateful for the words of the Book of Mormon and how they help clarify what God wants for me and for all His children.
I’m grateful to have such a wonderful wife who loves me and I love her.
I’m grateful to have healthy and happy children who I love so much.
I’m grateful to be forming a good habit of writing in my journal and studying the scriptures, both personally and with Becky and the kids.
I’m grateful to be in recovery today and to have the desire to submit my will to God today.
I know that Satan is real and that he doesn’t want me to have these feelings. I know he is trying so hard to lay out snares and traps to catch me when I’m not expecting it. Like Captain Moroni, I will continue to build up fortifications and arm myself so that the enemy won’t be able to overtake me.
I’m grateful for the Spirit I feel as I make time to do these important things.