Today was a hard day. Luckily, it wasn’t hard from an addiction standpoint, but I know that my feelings can be a core issue that I need to always be aware of.
I felt a few things today:
- Anger – because BYU lost and because I’d put my biggest points on them to win with my in-laws bown picks game.
- Anxiety – because I have a lot to do, new projects that are in the hopper, getting signed, and some that are really big – I feel nervous about being able to perform at a high level and I feel nervous because of when this is all coming together at the same time.
- Frustration – I think this came mostly because my parents are in town. I hear them and see them shame each other all the time – my mom shames my dad because he falls down today, trips over my little boy, and smacks his head on the pavement, gets a black eye and brakes his glasses. Why in the world would she shame him about that? She gets the look of “you stupid idiot – why would you do such a thing?” Then he shames her right back by saying, “Yeah, she’s been doing that for 30 some years…” I don’t want to hear that. I don’t want to be a part of that. Then later my dad shames Caleb for getting in the way during the game. It’s just non-sense and I don’t want to do that to the kids. I must be aware of this and not repeat it in my own life.
- Nervous – because it’s Christmas and I’m not sure I have the best, most special gift for Becky.
- Uncomfortable – because we got invited to my cousins house for a Christmas party and I’m not always sure what my cousins think of me – being the only child and all. Luckily now that we are about to have our 5th child I fit in with them a bit more. This has been a fear and vulnerability my whole life.
I talked to Becky about these feelings on the way to the Christmas party and that helped. Then we got to the party and it went really well. Tonight I’ve felt a lot better.
I’m excited to start step 4 more definitively tomorrow. I’m going to talk to Brandon about what I should do with my last inventories and how I can do things this time.
I look forward to a new day in recovery and submission.