It’s Christmas Eve! It’s been a busy and crazy last few days. I’m glad to have some time to write, think, and reflect on my day.
Today was quite a challenge going to the store to shop. There were people all over the place – I really had to work harder than normal to submit and ask Heavenly Father for help to keep my chin up. What I don’t want to happen is for Satan to start convincing me that looking at a girl from below the chin is “not that bad” and “no problem” because I know that’s the start of the end and it’s not worth it.
I think another thing that was hard today was how busy Beck was with all her projects. She gets in this zone and I don’t always know how to deal with it. What I don’t want her to feel is that I need her undivided attention – I really don’t feel that’s the case. But there are some times that I just feel that we’re not connected at all and today was one of those.
The day seemed to start out tough: I poured myself some cereal with milk and tasted it and the milk seemed really gross. I let Beck smell it and she said it smelled fine. I don’t know what it was for sure, but the way she said it made me feel stupid, made me feel like she thought I was making it up, and made me feel like she was mad that it in turn affected all the other kids’ opinions of the milk – they ended up pouring out their cereal too.
I tried not to let it bother me but it did. She could tell too. I felt similar to how I’d feel at times when she’d talk to me in the past. I don’t know if this is my pride and defensiveness or if it’s her letting down her guard – but it didn’t feel good.
A bit later she asked if I was ok and I told her what I’ve written for the most part – that I felt stupid about the whole milk thing. That seemed to help some.
I then went on an errand with Dad to pick up my new bike and get groceries. Dad and I had a good talk about my recovery, about addiction in general, about the AEIOU’s and about shame. We talked about how addiction works, what it means, and why it happens (at least some).
I still have questions about the Step 4 inventory. I feel like I’m going to do as much of the inventory as I can from the last inventory on. I have thought of things that I didn’t include in my last inventory that I will include in this inventory. But I feel that going over all the details that I’d been honest about in the past isn’t necessary. I will talk to Brandon about this and be willing to do whatever is best.
Tonight was hard too: we had our friends over for dinner and to celebrate Christmas Eve. I know Beck was busy and focused on getting things organized and ready, but I just felt so distant from her. The thought that comes to me is that God is always there and maybe I’m feeling distant from Him too. I haven’t been reading scriptures as much lately. I have been working the steps consistently, but I feel I could be studying more as well and filling my spirit with positive reinforcements.
I know that Heavenly Father is there to listen to me. I know He wants me to communicate with Him.
I’m grateful for this awareness.
Unfortunately I didn’t have time this morning to work on Step 4 so I’m going to add to that spreadsheet now.
Hasta manana!
Nate
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