Today is Day 81 of 82 for working on my Step 9 work – Making Amends. Why is this such a big deal? To me, it’s a big deal because when I was working on recovery last time, I stopped in the middle of Step 9, either due to fear, due to pride, or due to procrastination. This fear, pride and procrastination ended up leading me down a path I never thought I’d go. It caused pain, heartbreak, and almost cost me everything that is most important to me.
I’m grateful that today is different.
I’m grateful that today I want to work through the steps completely, honestly, and fully. I want to live in recovery one day at a time.
Today is day 373 in recovery from my addictions. It’s hard to believe it’s been that long. I’m so grateful for the concept of “one day at a time.” I know how true the concept is: I can’t look ahead too far; I can only focus on today, right now, this moment in recovery.
Last night I had a dream that I was on Facebook and had seen inappropriate images. I was devastated that I had been working so hard at recovery and then to succumb to something so pointless, so wrong… I was scared about the repercussions. I was angry. Luckily then I woke up to Tyson crying or grunting and realized it was only a bad dream. I do believe it was a reminder to me that relapse can start with the smallest of things – actions that to the world may not seem that bad at all. I mean, how many people are on Facebook or other social media and never have a problem?
But for me, social media is a weapon of war, it’s something I don’t want to get close to. It’s something I’m willing to give up in order to live in recovery one day at a time.
Last night Becky and I went on a Valentines Day date (with Tyson). It was fun to go to the mall and do a bit of shopping. It was also really fun to eat at Carabbas and have our favorite steak meal. I love Beck so much. I’m so grateful that she is willing to try to forgive me for the awful things I did to her and to our family. I’m so grateful that she still loves me and wants to make things work. She is my best friend. There is no one in the world that I can talk with like I talk with her. There is no one in the world that I respect the opinion of more than hers.
I love the mother she is to our kids.
I love the sister she is to her siblings.
I love the wife and best friend she is to me.
I want to continue to live in recovery one day at a time in order to protect the marriage and relationship we are working at repairing.
I want to make sure I don’t get casual in my recovery process. I want to make sure I remember and always retain in remembrance my own nothingness, that I can only be free from my addictions and character weaknesses as I submit my will to God and strive to keep His commandments.
I love my kids too.
I’ve felt such a difference in my relationship with them as I’ve tried to submit my will to God. I see them differently, I’m more patient, and I’m less angry. These are all blessings that I couldn’t just change on my own.
I look forward to today in recovery. I look forward to submitting my will to God. I look forward to living another day in recovery from my addictions. Today is all I can focus on. Today is the only day that really matters.
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