I really appreciated Becky’s journal that she shared with me last night. This is the part that made me feel so good and so loved:
I felt a measure of peace as I felt the Spirit calming my heart and helping me to know that Nate truly is in recovery, and is looking to God for answers, and God will give them to him.
I felt peace to realize that it is not my job to educate Nate’s parents on his addiction or even figure out how to move forward in our relationship with them. It’s Nate’s. And he will look to God for answers. And I can trust what he decides. It won’t be a rash, angry, defensive, self-serving flippant decision like he made in his addiction. It will be God’s way, because Nate will ask Him, and God will tell him. This is such a comfort to me. This brings me so much peace.
One of the things that made me feel so much love for Nate was when he sent me his journal entry the day after his parents left. I felt honored that he would share with me the very vulnerable feelings he is experiencing as he is coming to grips for the first time with the very deep, very difficult emotions his relationship with his parents brings him. I felt confidence as I heard him develop ideas that had never even occurred to me, but that feel so right: coming up with boundaries, explaining the idea of a “new normal.”
He is more than capable of handling this situation, and I know the love his parents have for him will help them to soften their hearts as they join us on this rocky road of recovery.
I love Nate with all my heart and admire the man he is today, and trust him with this tricky situation. Truly, this may be the most painful part of the process for him, but I know it is the part he must face to truly move forward to a life without shame, fear, anger, and addiction.
One of the things Beck is referring to is what I wrote the other day about the new normal.
I have to live a new normal. I can’t continue to do the sames things I’ve always done. I can’t continue to deal with problems and issues the way I have in the past.
I feel like, in my life with Becky and with the kids now, I’m striving every day to live the new normal. I’m doing this in the following ways:
- Staying away from social media completely
- Avoiding browsing the internet
- Going to bed with Becky and not staying up late to work or browse
- Eliminating TV unless we’re all watching something together
- Daily AEIOUs with Becky
- Daily reading the Book of Mormon with Becky
- Nightly prayer with Becky
- Daily study and journaling (filling myself with light and truth)
I started this declaration about My New Normal and want to add to it:
My New Normal
I’m living in recovery from addiction to pornography, masturbation and lust one day at a time. This means I don’t look too far ahead and I don’t look too much in the past. I live today and work to submit my will to God so He can help me in all areas of my life.
Living in recovery means I’m trying every day, every moment, to eliminate feelings that, in the past, led me towards addictive behaviors and then addictive actions:
- Fear
- Anger
- Resentment
- Shame
- Criticism
- Blame
- Pride
- Comparing
- Insuperiority
- Failure
- Loneliness
- Disconnection
- Isolation
To help eliminate these feelings from my life, I’ve “buried my weapons of war.”
- I don’t watch much TV.
- I don’t participate in social media.
- I don’t play games on the computer or my phone.
- I don’t stay up later than everyone else to work.
- I try not to point out faults of others, but instead I look in the mirror.
- I try to submit my life and will over to God as I feel these feelings through personal prayer in the moment of temptation.
I feel these feelings come back when I see people I’m closest too playing games on the computer.
I feel these feelings come back when I hear criticism for things that are either pointless or are none of the critics business.
I feel these feelings come back when there is arguing or bickering.
I feel these feelings come back when there are expectations put on others to be more than they need to be (or can be).
In order to maintain recovery, I have to separate myself from experiences and situations that cause these feelings to come back.
These are some boundaries I’ve thought about that I want to share so that you can help me continue to live in recovery one day at a time.
- Criticism has to stop. Not only is it contagious in our home, but it does no one any good. None of us our perfect; before we “cast the first stone,” we all need to look inward and assess how what we’re doing or what we’re saying may be affecting those around us. If criticism continues, even if it’s subtle, I will need to separate myself from the situation by asking the critic to go somewhere else for a period of time to think about what they are saying. If the critic isn’t willing to cooperate, I will ask them to leave. Criticism brings back fear: fear of failure, fear of letting someone down, fear of not being enough, fear of too much success. Fear is the opposite of faith and can’t exist if I want to live in recovery.
- Computer games must be limited. Playing games on my phone was one of the ingredients that led to my biggest mistakes and nearly destroyed my entire life. Not only are games on the computer addictive, but they are a waste of time. There are so many more uplifting things we can do together: play card games or board games, go for a walk or bike ride, play catch outside, watch something uplifting together, talk. Gaming will need to be done somewhere other than during the prime time of the day. If gaming is something a person feels is necessary, they can go somewhere else that won’t distract from the positive feelings we’re trying to invite into our home.
- Arguing has to stop too. We aren’t perfect and arguing does occur from time to time. If we feel the need to argue, we have two options: 1) take a few minutes to think things through before we talk to the person 2) leave the home and argue somewhere else. Arguing, like criticism, does no one any good and invites the Spirit to leave our home.
These boundaries are essential to my recovery from addiction.
I can’t go back to the way things have been in the past. I have to live in recovery and eliminate experiences that bring back feelings of fear, anger, resentment, and pride.
I’m grateful that you’re willing to help me with these boundaries and know that as we all practice them together, the positive feelings will only increase and we’ll be able to create lasting memories together.
There’s a stab at it.
I’ll probably have to review it a few times and think it over more, but I feel like its pretty direct and to the point.
I’m grateful for the Spirit.
I feel that I’m doing the best I can to be open and honest.
I look forward to a day in recovery today.
Hasta luego!
Nate
Recent Comments