I encourage my sponsees to talk more about their feelings because I’ve learned that feelings and how I deal with them can be a core reason why I fall back into addictive behaviors, which then lead to addictive actions.
I’m not sure what I’m feeling today.
I felt yesterday was a good day. I felt connected to God and felt like I/we got a lot of good things done.
I don’t think I felt very connected to Becky for some reason. I liked the journal she shared with me, but I feel like the day was really busy and we were both caught up in our own projects. Most of my projects were outside in the yard, and most of her projects were in the house with the kids (who at times were probably not the most helpful or cooperative).
I feel like one of the things that’s on my mind, or back there somewhere, is feeling the lack of connection. I think most of that has to do with the fact that I haven’t been as great this week at my study and writing. This void in my life then causes me to reach out to Becky and others for connection. In the past “others” has been pornography and lust.
Today it’s not that and it hasn’t been that luckily, but if I don’t continue to fortify myself with spiritual nutrition, it could very well come right back.
I think, due to this lack of connection with God, I seem to feel that Becky isn’t really listening to me. I don’t know that that’s really even the case; I almost told her that feeling but then decided that I needed to think about it more before starting something that may not even be true.
I guess my impression is that I want to tell her U’s but feel like she will try to provide suggestions or corrections without just listening to me and letting me share what I feel.
Again, I don’t know that this is even the case, and honestly it bothers me that I even feel this way: this is how I felt or justified or blamed when I was actively in my addiction.
I think the bottom line is that I need to make sure that I work on my connection with God in the morning. I need to completely surrender to Him and let Him help direct me for good. I need to make sure I’m feeding my spirit.
As I read more from the talk Why Marriage, Why Family, this stuck out to me:
A family built on the marriage of a man and woman supplies the best setting for God’s plan to thrive—the setting for the birth of children, who come in purity and innocence from God, and the environment for the learning and preparation they will need for a successful mortal life and eternal life in the world to come. A critical mass of families built on such marriages is vital for societies to survive and flourish. That is why communities and nations generally have encouraged and protected marriage and the family as privileged institutions. It has never been just about the love and happiness of adults.
This stuck out too:
[Lucifer] fights to discourage marriage and the formation of families, and where marriages and families are formed, he does what he can to disrupt them.
I feel that Satan wants to distract me as much as he can from surrendering and submitting my will to God. He wants to give me things to do in the morning that cause me to either forget or put off filling my soul with light and truth. He wants me to be seeking connection, but either with the wrong people or things or in the wrong order.
I read more in the talk The Music of the Gospel too and found this:
The dance steps of the gospel are the things we do; the music of the gospel is the joyful spiritual feeling that comes from the Holy Ghost.
To me, this takes my morning study and submission a step further: just going through the motions and doing the steps of the gospel is fine, but I also need to reflect and ponder and pray and FEEL the music of the gospel that only comes from the Holy Ghost – this is truly connecting with God.
This paragraph really stuck out to me too:
When we can hear the music ourselves, we must try our best to perform it in our homes. It is not something that can be forced or compelled. “No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood”—or by virtue of being the dad or the mom or the biggest or the loudest—“only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, … by love unfeigned; [and] by kindness” (D&C 121:41–42).
Why would these attributes lead to increasing power and influence in a home? Because they are the attributes that invite the Spirit of the Holy Ghost. They are the attributes that tune our hearts to the music of the gospel. When they are present, the dance steps will be performed more naturally and joyfully by all of the dancers in the family, without the need for threats or intimidation or compulsion.
If early efforts at making music seem dissonant and discordant, remember that dissonance cannot be corrected by criticism. Dissonance in the home is like darkness in a room. It does little good to scold the darkness. We must displace the darkness by introducing light.
I need to go out now and be with the family.
I feel good about my study, but feel I want to write more later.
I’m grateful for the awareness I have of what I’m feeling. I want to be one with God and with Becky. I want to be my best self and have the Spirit always in my life.
I look forward to a day in recovery.
Hasta luego!
Nate
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