I’m learning a lot as a sponsor.
As of today, I’ve sponsored Grant, Tyler, a guy I didn’t really even work with much, Spencer, and Sean.
I’ve learned different things from each of these experiences.
The first thing I’ve learned is that it’s not my job to “fix” them or recover for them. When I first started as a sponsor, I feel this was the case. I would almost nag them to do their step work, I would call them for our calls, and I would feel guilty or anxious if they weren’t doing what I thought they should be doing.
Luckily, I’ve learned that this can’t be the case. Mark, the guy in charge of the sponsorship program I’ve been a part of, is really straight forward about being a sponsor:
Please be sure to follow the Outline and not make special allowances. This sort of thing has really weakened the program and I am currently trying to “weed out” those who are not following proper protocol with exactness. Please let me know if you have any trouble at all with this and especially, with the newer guidelines on the Outline for Sponsorship and Instructions to new sponsors documents. The main difference is stepping down if they slip at all during the first week and if there is any slip at all from day 8 on, we must either step down or start back at day 1, but starting over is only allowed once and is not necessary. Thanks for your help!
This is just one of a variety of emails he’s sent to me to remind me that having a sponsor is helpful and awesome, but my job isn’t to be their savior or do the work for them. Sometimes, stepping down as their sponsor can be the best thing to do.
I recently got an email from one of my sponsors, one, unfortunately, who I had to drop due to a slip/relapse. This is what he told me:
Thanks again for all your help being my sponsor. You were very helpful and you helped me make the biggest break through in my recovery. Realizing that sobriety didn’t come from doing the things God asked me to do was huge for me. Coming to know that it comes from God and God alone, and doing the things He asks of us brings us closer to Him, so we are willing to ask for His help when the time comes has been a huge blessing in my life. So thanks for helping get that message through to me.
I’m grateful that I was able to share some things that seem to be helping him.
Another thing I’ve learned is that, instead of telling them how they need to change, I’m beginning to share what’s worked for ME or what I’m doing TODAY to live in recovery. Here’s one example from last night:
Tonight I watched a recovery DVD and one of the guys that I look up to a lot, who has over 10 years in true recovery, said this:
“Until you want recovery more than you want to breathe, it’s not recovery.”
Another specialist in the field said that sobriety and abstinence aren’t really recovery either – a lifestyle change has to occur.
I justified using social media for about 5 years and it nearly cost me everything that’s most important to me. Since I’ve set it aside, my business has only improved (and that’s ironic because of what I do for work).
For me, Instagram was a lust hit guaranteed. There was no way around it. The home page ALWAYS shared immodesty. And the true return on that “investment” was never there if I was honest with myself. Facebook was the same. Twitter too.
Again, I’m happy to chat about this more and share whatever you would like to know.
Thanks so much for asking great questions and for really committing to your recovery one day/moment at a time.
And this:
I really identify with this:
“I think as well that I often feel like there are two of Me. And the me that looks and indulges in Porn isn’t even me at all. The me that I really am is trapped and get buried inside somewhere. That makes sense to me.”
I wrote about that here:
http://atonementtoday.wpengine.com/2014/10/22/my-letter-to-the-addict/
Keep up the great work.
What I’m learning is that recovery is a personal thing. All I can do is share what’s working for me and then hope that my sponsees are willing to think about it, pray about it, and create and implement what God’s will is for them.
I shared this thought last night with one of my sponsees who I’m concerned about:
I know you’re in Disney World with family, and I hope you’re having a great time, but this program can’t “take a vacation.”
Tonight I watched a recovery DVD and one of the guys that I look up to a lot, who has over 10 years in true recovery, said this:
“Until you want recovery more than you want to breathe, it’s not real recovery.”
Another specialist in the field said that sobriety and abstinence aren’t really recovery either – a lifestyle change has to occur.
I have a lot of hope for you; I know you can do hard things, but I also know from bad experience that if I slack, if I think I can take a few days off, if I un-bury weapons of war or stop living in recovery one day at a time, I fall.
As you and I both know, I was already lenient with you when I was gone to Alaska and didn’t hear from you during that time. There really was no excuse for that.
I can’t give you time off and keep my commitment as a sponsor.
Please keep your commitment to start the day and end the day by doing your step work or I will need to step down as your sponsor.
Thanks for your understanding.
I hope to hear from you.
It makes me a bit nervous to share with directness, but I feel I’m learning from Mark that this is the way it has to be. For too long in my life, I relied on others (a bishop, parents, my wife) to fix me or nag at me. But if I want real recovery, it has to be a personal choice.
In a talked titled, “Heavenly Father’s Fixed Standards,” it reads:
Some people appear to be willing to embrace substandard behavior in their lives. But only by knowing, understanding, and living the doctrine of Christ can you adopt the behavior needed to qualify for exaltation.
How does this apply to me today?
As I live in recovery, am I still choosing to embrace substandard behavior?
I do like what this says about tolerance, which is what I can’t do as a sponsor:
Tolerance is a word that is heard frequently in society today, usually in the context of tolerating or accepting other people’s cultures or behavior. Sometimes it is used by people wanting acceptance to do something without consideration of its impact on society or others.
I like this explanation too, which I feel is talking about my willingness to do God’s will:
Standards for salvation are called commandments, which are given by our Father in Heaven. These standards apply to all parts of our lives and at all times. They are not selectively applied at a certain time or in a certain situation. The commandments define the tolerances required to qualify for exaltation.
If I choose to look at another woman, I feel I’m breaking the commandment of adultery and also of coveting. These commandments are always applicable, not just when I think they should be. I don’t get a “vacation” from keeping the commandments. That type of vacation is more an open door to feel pain, anger, resentment, remorse, and ultimately, eternal failure.
I can’t “selectively apply” the commandments when I feel I need them.
I really feel this applies to the sponsorship program, and obviously, to life:
God has established what we must do and the standards we must meet. Something quite remarkable is that He gives us the moral agency to decide whether to accept and meet those standards. However, there are consequences to our decisions. He gave us agency, but He does not give us the authority to change the standards or the consequences of our decisions.
I feel uneasy today. I think part of it is due to work responsibilities and all that I have on my plate today. I think it’s also due to going to bed later than I wanted to, even though I was up with Becky watching something that was helpful.
I think, ultimately, my anxiousness is for my sponsee who isn’t keeping his commitment to recovery and working the steps of the program. The only thing I can do at this point is apply the consequence that has been established from the beginning. He’s not an “exception to the rule.” I feel bad about this because I like him as a person and see him weekly at meetings; but allowing him to do whatever he wants and not keep his commitments only does him a disservice.
The doctrine of repentance allows us to correct or fix defects, but it is better to focus on meeting God’s standards than to plan on invoking the principle of repentance before the Judgment.
I’m grateful for this study and look forward to thinking about it more.
Hasta luego!
Nate
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