An important question I’m getting accustom to asking myself is this:
What am I feeling today?
I don’t always know.
I especially don’t know when my parents are here, which they are until either later tonight or tomorrow.
I’m just going to start writing and see what I come up with.
- Like they’re watching every move I make
- Emotional Fatigue
- Concern for Becky
- Concern for the kids
- Fear of not living up to expectations
- Fear of doing things too right and that they’ll then take that back home and brag about me to others
Those are some things that come to mind.
Does it go deeper than that though?
I’m not sure.
I feel insecure about work right now too. I’m working on this UCR project and have been making a list of names of businesses. I’ve also reached out to a few current clients. I had some good luck with my first two contacts; I think I want it to just happen – for people to be calling me, for doors to just open, and for money to just be made.
But I know that’s not realistic.
What does God want me to study about right now?
I have The Peacegiver right here. I’m going to read a bit in that…
I read quite a bit just now. It’s talking about how Christ paid for our sins, both the sins of the sinner and the sins of the one who was sinned against. I’m not sure I’m really understanding how it all applies to me right now. Or how it applies to Becky and my situation.
It’s talking about Abigail and Nebal and David: how David had been sinned against by Nebal and was angry and ready to get revenge. But Abigail came in, took the sins upon herself, and ask for forgiveness to David.
David didn’t understand why she was asking for his forgiveness – she had done no wrong.
I’ll look forward to reading more from this book and trying to understand how it applies to me.
I now have 45 minutes to prepare for a call with Dan A.
PS: As I wrote the title, “Dealing with Emotional Triggers with Parents” it made me think about how this story may apply to them and me. Am I angry at them? Do I feel sinned against? Do I feel like a victim of their treatment?
And this isn’t right.
And this is possibly what the story is trying to teach me.
I have, in the past, felt victimized by how Becky was acting as well. But as I think about those feelings, they were all me trying to push blame and shame on her when it was really I who was the one with the problems. It was I who had the wicked and sinful heart and mind, not Becky.
I’m still not 100% clear on what I can learn and how I can apply this to where I am today, but I’ll think more about it and read more later.