Feelings right now after good meeting and then reading Becky’s email:
I feel hurt.
I feel frustrated.
I feel annoyed.
I feel like I can’t do enough in my wife’s eyes.
I hate this feeling because it was the justification mechanism in the past.
I feel that Becky needs to work her own recovery and stay out of fixing the relationship with my parents and me.
I feel afraid.
I feel stuck.
I feel like I am making progress in the relationship with my parents and that Becky needs to be patient.
I feel like I’m minimizing or justifying.
I feel like I’m making a case for myself.
I feel like I need to share what I wrote down from my last meeting with Mom with her directly, in the form of a letter that I can think out and pray about.
I feel I need to look for answers in conference today about how I can best deal with the negative feelings I have towards God and my parents about being the only child.
I feel grateful for the meeting I went to today.
I feel grateful for recovery and how it feels to be open, honest and accountable.
I feel Becky’s email is not wrong, it’s just her feelings and she’s allowed to share them openly with me and with others.
I want to help her feel safe.
I want to eliminate negative feelings.
I want to surrender these feelings now and “let go and let God” direct me for good.
After reading her email, I came home and found everyone working except Caleb. Becky said he was sleeping. I went in his room to get Jayden dressed and it appeared he was sleeping. But as I was in their longer, I got suspicious. I watched him for a bit and found he had been reading as opposed to helping. This triggered a bit of frustration too – all stemming from the feelings I had regarding the email.
I then brought up a hot topic of feeding his lizard, which I almost always get a negative response on. I told him if he didn’t take care of his let, I would list it on KSL.
That negative vibe was carried out to the kitchen and here I am now trying to recognize my part.
My part in this:
I don’t need to internalize Becky’s feelings. I need to take them for what they are and work in providing safety at the right time and place.
I need to face my fears and be open to feedback.
I want to feel safe as well.
I need to stay out of Caleb’s way, especially in regard to his pet. If it dies, it does. The end.
I want to feel the Spirit at conference and get answers I can apply to my recovery.
These are my feelings now.