Surrendering Feelings – What’s My Part?

Feelings right now after good meeting and then reading Becky’s email:

I feel hurt.

I feel frustrated.

I feel annoyed.

I feel like I can’t do enough in my wife’s eyes.

I hate this feeling because it was the justification mechanism in the past.
I feel that Becky needs to work her own recovery and stay out of fixing the relationship with my parents and me.

I feel afraid.

I feel stuck.

I feel like I am making progress in the relationship with my parents and that Becky needs to be patient.

I feel like I’m minimizing or justifying.

I feel like I’m making a case for myself.

I feel like I need to share what I wrote down from my last meeting with Mom with her directly, in the form of a letter that I can think out and pray about.

I feel I need to look for answers in conference today about how I can best deal with the negative feelings I have towards God and my parents about being the only child.

I feel grateful for the meeting I went to today.

I feel grateful for recovery and how it feels to be open, honest and accountable.

I feel Becky’s email is not wrong, it’s just her feelings and she’s allowed to share them openly with me and with others.

I want to help her feel safe.

I want to eliminate negative feelings.

I want to surrender these feelings now and “let go and let God” direct me for good.

After reading her email, I came home and found everyone working except Caleb. Becky said he was sleeping. I went in his room to get Jayden dressed and it appeared he was sleeping. But as I was in their longer, I got suspicious. I watched him for a bit and found he had been reading as opposed to helping. This triggered a bit of frustration too – all stemming from the feelings I had regarding the email.

I then brought up a hot topic of feeding his lizard, which I almost always get a negative response on. I told him if he didn’t take care of his let, I would list it on KSL.

That negative vibe was carried out to the kitchen and here I am now trying to recognize my part.

My part in this:

I don’t need to internalize Becky’s feelings. I need to take them for what they are and work in providing safety at the right time and place.

I need to face my fears and be open to feedback.

I want to feel safe as well.

I need to stay out of Caleb’s way, especially in regard to his pet. If it dies, it does. The end.

I want to feel the Spirit at conference and get answers I can apply to my recovery.

These are my feelings now.

Nate