This is a question I’ve talked about a little before but would like your feedback.
How do you work the 12 Steps of Recovery?
I’ve seen this quote a few times:
“It is both good and important that some work be done for recovery each day.”
Is it true that if I’m not working the steps each day, that I’m not really in real recovery?
What does “working the steps” really mean?
How can I work the steps effectively?
Different Methods to Working the 12 Steps
Here are a few things I’ve tried:
- Got a sponsor from the LDS ARP group
- This was the first thing I did back in 2008
- This sponsor helped me stay accountable
- We met once a week in person
- We talked on the phone occasionally
- I believe I answered questions from the LDS manual
- There was a Step 4 spreadsheet that he had used that helped provide structure
- I emailed him each night with a “Gratitude Journal”
- Unfortunately, I stopped working the steps at Step 9, thinking I had things figured out…
- Signed up for ARPSupport.org
- This program is great, but it’s definitely not for everyone
- There is a strict schedule of working the steps in 90 days
- Each day, you answers questions pertaining to the step you’re on
- The questions are based off of the LDS ARP Support manual, but dig deeper
- If you have a slip or relapse, you are required to start over on the steps
- If you have a slip or relapse, often your sponsor is required to drop you and you start over with someone new
- I feel this program is for those who have tried all other options and this is a last resort: there has to be a level of commitment to keeping the rules set by this program
- Best thing about this program: STRUCTURE & ACCOUNTABILITY
- Working them on my own
- I don’t think this is very effective: too little accountability
- There’s no structure either
- “If I want to work fast – work alone. If I want to work long – work with someone else.” I heard this quote at UCAP regarding recovery. Fast = Working alone, it won’t last very long. Long = Working with a sponsor; recovery will be much more solid.
- Working the Steps with a sponsor from SAL
- I like this concept, but don’t know about the structure – is there a structure?
- Should I follow the Step Into Action or…?
- Should we set a calendar and hold one another accountable?
- Are there any requirements or commitments?
I know that working the 12 steps of recovery is crucial to long-term sobriety and recovery from this addiction.
I look forward to your feedback and experience.
Thanks.
I would love to know what the structure is for having a sponsor in SA-L. I also have gone through the 90-day program, and it was an amazing kick-start for me into learning how to work the steps and get into the habit of making my recovery the priority every day. Having the structure and working towards clear daily goals with my sponsor, who held me accountable, was essential for me in developing my new normal. But like Nate mentioned, I also don’t think the 90-day program is for everyone. I would love to know what, if any, requirements there are for being a sponsor in SA-L. Is is just completely up to the individual how they help their sponsees? Or are there specific guidelines for helping others as a sponsor?
I have a sponsee in SAL and both of us have had the question too – How do we work the steps together? Do I, as the sponsor, start working Step 1 with him or do I just hold him accountable?
The 90-Day ARP program is a great “new normal” process for sure. My biggest concern with it after the steps are over is that it seems to turn into a “checklist” item instead of working the steps and digging deeper. I’ve actually wanted to start it over and work the questions again.
I do feel SAL helps me dig deeper on the negative emotions and lust triggers though. The LDS meetings don’t touch on those things much yet.
I’m looking forward to feedback as well. One thing I do feel strong about: investing time in working the steps is so much more effective that making a list of all the things I shouldn’t be doing and trying to white-knuckle my way through life.
Thanks for the comment Sean!
I think structure has a very important place and is essential in many instances. However, I think structure cannot replace core values, character, and desire. Those either exist or distill over time, but they cannot be trained by structure. Structure can and should be part of shoring up values, character, etc., which is why 12-step and other study is essential to ongoing recovery.
Structure can also help kick-start recovery behaviors, but it cannot replace desire and core values.
Thanks JR.
Can you expound on what you mean here:
…structure cannot replace core values, character, and desire.
For me, my problem has been that I think I have the core values and character and desire, I think I want to quit this addiction for good, but the moment I stop practicing recovery one day at a time is the moment I begin coasting.
I’ve heard too many times:
“The only way to coast is downhill…”
Look forward to ongoing discussion.
I started working the SA Twelve Steps over 10 years ago and for the last 2 years SAL. My experience has been that it is up to me to take the responsibility to do the work. I needed to find a sponsor and then commit myself to working the steps with him.
Along the way I have learned:
-I needed to find a group to be my home group and commit myself to never missing a meeting if at all possible.
-My home meeting is where I found my sponsor.
-I began a study of the White Book. Pages 29- 63 were amazing to me.
My sponsor encouraged me to do my 1st step inventory as soon as possible…I did so with his direction. He said don’t do an overkill on the inventory, 8 hours of direct time writing max. It was there I acknowledged that I was a sex addict and learned that lust is the driver of my addiction. Understanding the definition of sexual addiction to be “toxicity to lust” was helpful for me to set boundaries to stay safe. This was a right of passage event for me.
-I began to learn that recovery is spiritual and is a process of learning to submit my will to God. Recovery is a lot more than stopping behavior.
-I learned it was important to get acquainted with others in the group and stay in touch with many in the group to learn how to get past the fear of reaching out.
-The AA materials are basic and very important. I suggest a read through of the Big Book and Twelve and Twelve in the first few weeks of starting step work. (I was slow to understand how important these basic materials are as part of my regular study.) I am amazed every time I study AA materials regarding the spiritual aspect of recovery. God is mentioned on every page.
-Doing Step One, Two and Three seemed to flow for me. Step 4 is where I hit a wall. My first attempt was not accepted by my sponsor because it was more a Step one do over rather than Step Four.. I had to push myself to do Step Four and Step Five again. I have since done a Step Four and Step Five several times.
It was at this point I started sponsoring which has been an important part of my recovery work.
I continued through the steps…I took about a year my first time through the steps with my sponsor.
-Step Twelve has been an ongoing effort and has blessed my personal recovery.
I continue to read, study and stay in touch with my sponsor and others working recovery. My commitment to working and living the steps is ongoing. SAL is where I work recovery on an ongoing basis.
Study materials:
– White Book
– Step into Action
– AA Big Book
– AA Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions
The SAL program of working the Twelve Steps is based on the first two sentences of Chapter 5 of the Big Book. Thoroughly working the Steps and total honesty. This is a simple program. Simple but not easy. I must apply my best honest efforts. The road to recovery is clearly marked in the Twelve Steps…However, I must be WILLING!!! If I am willing, God and my sponsor will help me through the steps.
Step into Action is a simple helpful guide.
Daily effort of prayer, meditation, personal study and outbound calls help me to recognize the constant need to surrender my will to God.
A word about sponsors: Sponsors should have a sponsor and be actively working the steps.
Helpful reads:
– A Gentle Path Trough the Twelve Steps by P. Carnes
– He Restoreth My Soul by D. Hilton
– What Can I do about Me? by R. Croshaw
– The Gifts of Imperfection by B. Brown
When I do not understand what to do I ask God and my fellows. The answers come as long as my heart is in it.
God knows my heart and has blessed my honest efforts to connect with Him and others.
-I have learned that recovery is a journey not an event.
-I have learned that each time I work a step I gain new insights…why is this so? Because I am not in the same place as I was the first time through.
-I recognize that I will never come to the place that says…finish line, you have graduated; lust will no longer be toxic for you. Go on with the rest of your life.
I believe what Bill W. wrote in the Chapter 5 of the Big Book, “Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.”
Steven C.
Thanks so much Steven! This comment is worth turning into a post in and of itself. We all appreciate SAL so much and all that you do to pave the way for real recovery. Thanks for the connection and for reaching out.
I ask the question, what does “Thoroughly” mean?
utterly, downright, absolutely, completely, totally, entirely, one-hundred-percent, really, perfectly, positively, in every respect, through and through;
informalplain, to the hilt
“she is thoroughly spoiled”
The answer is well outlined below…simple but not easy.
Take 10 minutes read and ponder.
Steven
103 “MUSTS” IN THE BIG BOOK – Part 1 and Part 2
Thanks again Steven. I started a new post today about the 103 Musts – focused on the first 50. What really stuck out to me was the importance of doing things the way that the Big Book suggests:
– sponsorship
– fellowship
– reaching out
– surrender
I also liked what it said about “stop trying to play God.” My tendency, when I go to the LDS ARP meetings, is to want to call people out for not doing the above mentioned things. This is not ok, and I’m working on surrendering those feelings.
Thanks so much for your comments and contributions to this and other discussions.
Talk soon.
Great questions. I think it is especially important to me to learn this as well.
I wasn’t sure how much you wanted but I have decided to spend a good deal of time thinking about it this morning.
Sponsor – I have only had one officially and I am not convinced that the approach we were taking was what I needed. It was someone who had found recovery through group therapy at ADDO.
I would call and leave a check in message every night, and we would talk occasionally if I needed it, but I never needed it…until crisis and then he wasn’t always available or my first choice to reach out to.
I think the daily check in was good, helped me be more aware but without daily feed back, I was unable to see my deficiencies, point out my addict thinking etc. – which I know slips back in unnoticed by me.
LDS PASG:
It is too easy to go months or years without connecting with anyone in the group.
Some PASG groups I have been to have very little sobriety in them – shortage of people qualified to sponsor.
Easy to stop going when I am sober for a while, thinking I have “made it” then coast for a while until relapse.
It sounds like your experience with sponsor from PASG was a pretty good one…
ARP support – is a little bit intimidating:
I can see huge value of the structure –
If I had signed up last November – when I was giving every spare minute to recovery reading, it would have served me well.
Now I am not sure how to continue with such high level of commitment.
This could be addict thinking- but I struggle each day to make it a priority again.
I have basics in place but digging deep is hard, takes time and is easy to put off.
Working them on my own – only works if you are desperately motivated and will taper off as the severity of the crisis fades.
SAL:
I have managed to make it 5 months with out an SAL sponsor but I think I could benefit from one
Working the Steps with a sponsor from SAL
Should we set a calendar and hold one another accountable?
Are there any requirements or commitments?
I would say yes, but I am not sure what.
I have wondered if we should be more aggressive (involved? might be a better word) with new comers, give them a temp sponsor, help them understand the importance of doing daily work, developing connections in the program.
Let them know they are missed if they miss the meeting, assess their level of commitment, etc.
Lately when I have had to miss Thursday night meeting- I will hear from someone checking up on me. That makes a huge difference. It challenges my core beliefs of my lack inherent value. (or something similar) In my opinion, this is what Church should be like.
First step inventory for example- I have only seen one or two people do it, and overall its not mentioned too much in the group.
How many people attending the group are like me – no sponsor, still trying to find my way (while slowly losing steam)?
So… working the steps cannot be passive, it has to be more than that.
I can write in my journal (and often do) without digging deep-
I can read scriptures in the same way- check list vs- digging, searching.
Working the steps can also include processing emotions, building awareness practicing mindfulness, revisiting events to understand them, these things are a bit harder to measure. Reaching out when triggered, is working the steps.
I hope this helps, I am interested in what else you learn from the group.
I am interested in progressing more, I feel like I have plateaued a bit and I don’t want to coast.
A commitment with a sponsor, or group of some sort will help.
My wife finally pointed it out to me, in a big dramatic event, that I she feels I have started coasting which I am working to correct.
Being held accountable to a sponsor to be doing daily work could have helped, or a sponsor could have also helped me see that I had shifted into addict thinking
“I don’t have time to fit it all in… seems believable enough to me….” but the truth is, if I am reading the news at work, instead of reading recovery material, or I’m waiting until night time to do the work when I am too tired, maybe right when I get home from work for 15 minutes or something. Someone other than my wife to help point it out to me.
Hope this all helps, I appreciate being included on this.
Jared
Hey Jared,
A few things I’ve learned:
1. I can’t do this alone.
2. It’s a day at a time process – today may be a cake walk and tomorrow may be hell. Working the steps each day, writing thoughts and feelings out, SURRENDER – to God, to another person, and to myself via writing – have all been crucial.
My experience with the sponsor when I first started was a good one. However, I didn’t get the concept of A leads to B and B leads to C (Negative Emotions lead to lust and lust leads to acting out). All I was really focused on was the C in the equation. When I had a bit of “sobriety,” I felt like “all was well…”
I ended up going farther down the path of addiction than I ever thought I’d get.
What I’m learning is that I have to reach out, I have to work the steps, and I have to always be willing to surrender. The moment I feel I’ve got it, I’m good, I’ve overcome, is the moment I’m setting myself up to fall back into the pits of despair.
It feels good to be in a place where my wife can call me on my behaviors and I actually appreciate her feedback. In the past, any type of challenge to what I was doing was a huge fight, defensiveness, and shame – all addictive behaviors.
Look forward to ongoing discussion about this topic.
Thanks Jared!
As I have been in recovery longer and longer I have found that I have to be a part of a group in order to live in recovery. 2 things why. 1st accountability. At UCAP my wife and I learned that we need to teach our kids to be accountable for the inappropriate things they see to one of us. The same has been for me. I have had to become as a child again and admit that my life has become unmanageable and I need to be accountable to someone about my triggers. That makes me free. 2nd is learning from others at group. It is so uplifting when I go to group and share something and realize I am not the only one going through this. I also love when I learn from others experiences on how I can better my life, marriage and recovery.
Hey Jordan, I agree, being part of a group – a “fellow among fellows,” is so helpful to me if I really want to claim I’m in recovery. Sure, I can be sober and be out there on my own, at least for a time, but real recovery, the kind that really lasts, has to be done, for me, with the help of others.
It is so uplifting to hear from others who are seeing the program and the 12 steps work for them too. It feels so good not to be alone and be isolated.
Thanks for the comment!
The questions about how to work the steps and how long will this take before I am able to go back to my “normal life” are common. I must acknowledge that I have an addiction…an addiction to lust which is cunning baffling and powerful.
Can this addiction or malady become a blessing to me?
Rather than ask how long will this take or when will I finally be able to go back to my “normal life”, I prefer to thank God for my opportunity to grow closer to Him and my fellows through the work of recovery and who can I help along the way. I believe their is no greater work I can do than strive to become closer to God and my fellows. The work of recovery can be a great blessing if I am willing to see it that way. I need to learn to set the shame and victim mentality aside. That kind of stuff comes from the dark side who tells me I’m bad, a loser, a worthless SOB. Well the dark side can go to hell.
The things I learn about life as I work the steps at the level understanding I have help me grow along spiritual lines…that is what I need. By working the steps we learn how to work and apply them. There is no other way. How do I learn to play the piano or learn to golf or anything else…I practice and I practice and I practice. For some reason we tend to think this simple program should be simple to accomplish. Not so! This simple program, if worked correctly will take time, a lot of it, and all the honesty and effort I can muster. Just because it is simple does not mean it is easy…so if a person really wants recovery stop asking how long is this going to take and get going.
We don’t have to sprint, this is a marathon, get started set a pace and stick to it. There may be times when we get real tired and want to vomit so slow down a bit and vomit, then get going again. God knows our trials and our hearts. He will sustain our honest efforts. He wants us to be like Him and that takes a willingness to do it His way. I discovered that my way sucks. I’ve decided I will do it His way. I tried the other way and resisted like crazy and paid a dear price for my hard selfish heart.
You may find the 2 articles that follow helpful.
I love you guys,
Steven
See the two articles that Steven shared here: How Long Does Addiction Recovery Take?