I’ve committed with Adam Moore to finish the letter to my parents. I’m not sure when to present this but want to make progress on it.
So here are the edits we talked about.
Mom and Dad,
I hope you’re doing well. Thanks for the fun Easter we had at your house. The kids are still munching on candy.
The purpose of this letter is to let you both know where I’m at in recovery from my addictions to lust, pornography, and masturbation.
Today is day 798 in recovery. Yes, I feel good about the days I’ve been sober, but with sobriety, and especially, real recovery, I’m learning a lot about the underlying details that have caused me to act out in my addiction since I was young and then hide it from you and everyone else.
As I’ve been working on recovery from my addictions, I’ve learned about a lot of things you can do to help me. Many of these things are strategies that I haven’t shared with you yet, so that’s the purpose of this letter.
I’ve felt for quite a while that our relationship is strained. At least part of this is due to negative emotions and resentments I’ve recognized during my recovery process from addiction and in meeting with a professional counselor.
I would really like your help and feel these things will make our relationship that much better.
I don’t feel like you’re offering me what I need to feel validated and important – instead, you give me what you think I need and it’s not working.
Example: I need you to take a break from the gift giving, both for me and Becky and for the kids. We all want to love YOU, not the gifts you give us.
I need to get the stuff out of the way: I’ve been avoiding negative emotions my entire life and it’s caused me a lot of problems. I’ve realized that gift giving has been one of those triggers for me; I feel removing all the stuff between us will help us better connect. Please don’t send food home with us, no clothes or gifts, no stuff from the house that you think I might need or use – nothing – just the two of you.
By taking a break from gift giving, you’ll be helping me finally work through all of my negative emotions.
I realize this is going to be hard to understand and maybe even upsetting, but I feel the gifts are getting in the way of my healing process.
I truly feel that I would like you a lot more, that I would like seeing you a lot more, if the gift giving stopped.
I know this may be a hard thing, but the underlying question has to be: “What’s more important right now – me liking you or you doing what you want?
If you continue to bring gifts, You might forget this request or disagree, or it might even be painful for you. I will do my best to accept the gifts, but it’s going to make me upset and I will do my best to remind you what I need. If you follow my request, I’m going to like you a lot more.
I’m committed to helping you understand the best ways to stay connected to me and my family – I’m more than happy to give feedback if I notice things that seem to be undermining our relationship.
Another thing I feel you could both do to help me feel safe is read the book “What Can I Do About Me” by Rhyll Croshaw together, or at least on your own but at the same time.
Learning about addiction and recovery, learning the language and the concepts, is part of my “new normal” and has to be part of my life. I will feel you care about me if trying to understand what’s going on is part of your learning too.
You’ve been great parents. I know you’re doing your best, and I’m doing my best too. I’ve learned that sometimes it’s really hard to understand a child’s needs – especially when they don’t make sense.
If you will let me teach you what my needs are and respect those needs, I know our relationship can be better than it’s ever been.
I look forward to additional conversation about our relationship.
Love, Nate
“…addiction is 10% not acting out and the other 90% dealing with negative emotions.”
As I’ve learned this awareness, I’ve had to get sober and stay that way. But sobriety is NOT recovery.
Recovery requires both a “life style change and a change of heart.”
“[recovery] includes recognizing and admitting to being an addict, setting appropriate boundaries to protect against future acting out, learning to cope with life in healthy and appropriate ways, being willing to work on recovery daily, and changing the underlying behaviors that cause the individual to seek out pornography.” (What Can I Do About Me?”)
An equation I’ve found as I’ve studied about recovery looks like this:
A leads to B and B leads to C. A is debilitating negative emotions, B is lust, and C is acting out sexually in the form of pornography, masturbation, or other inappropriate relationships. As I shared above, the real core issue is NOT B or C, it’s A. A, debilitating negative emotions, is where the whole addictive cycle starts.
One lingering feeling I have that is hard to admit is a resentment towards God for being the only child. This has been hard. It has been lonely, and there has always been a lot of subconscious pressure to perform, sometimes pressure out of my control.
I apologize for feeling these feelings and ask for your forgiveness.
Another tough emotion I’m trying to deal with in positive ways is the day to day interactions we have, both growing up and now as well. To help me live in recovery, to improve our relationship and make it as positive as I feel it can be, this has to change:
Example of a recent interaction:
Mom comes home, we are changing clothes, she says “Carol wanted to see you in your clothes.” I say nothing.
She says to dad or someone, “They’ve already changed…”
She then says, “And I’m sure you got a picture…”
I comment in a level voice: “That seemed to be a manipulative comment.”
She then says, “Kind of like when you told me if forgot the high chair.”
I said, “I never said you forgot it, I just said we need one for Tyson so we can eat in peace.”
My dad then steps in, as my mom talks to herself, and says “Come on Judy…”
Carol gets here: She’s tells Carol three times that the kids have already changed their clothes…
Carol says: “That’s ok.”
Mom now walks away as if she’s pouting.
I feel Mom wanted Carol to see the cute clothes she’s bought the kids to validate herself as a good grandma.
Conclusion: Mom wants to be VALIDATED!
According to Rhyll Croshaw, addictive behaviors include the following:
being dishonestacting like a victimbeing emotionally disconnectedhidingbeing easily angeredminimizingdenyingblamingshowing a lack of empathy
When someone is in true recovery, the behaviors, and thus, the actions, don’t exist – they disappear.
If the behaviors are still present, true recovery is still absent.
Examples of Recovery Behaviors:
being honestbeing respectfulshowing kindnessbeing accountablepatientemotionally available
NEW TOPIC that I’m not sure how to address yet: The giving, giving, giving of stuff causes anxiety – it makes me feel spoiled, it makes me worry that my kids are going to feel entitled, it makes me feel that Mom must be seen to others as a certain type of person, it makes me feel tension. It has to change.
So, that’s my shot at the start of a letter today. I don’t know how much more detail to go into, but I’ll take things today and move forward.
Nate
The updated, compiled letter:
Mom and Dad,
As I’ve been working on recovery from my addictions, I’ve learned about a lot of things you can do to help me. Many of these things are strategies that I haven’t shared with you yet, so that’s the purpose of this letter.
I’ve felt for quite a while that our relationship is strained. At least part of this is due to negative emotions and resentments I’ve recognized during my recovery process from addiction and in meeting with a professional counselor.
I would really like your help and feel the things I’ve discovered will make our relationship that much better.
I’ve been avoiding negative emotions my entire life and it’s caused me a lot of problems. I’ve realized that gift giving has been one of those triggers for me.
For this reason, I need you to take a break from the gift giving, both for me, for Becky and for the kids. We all want to love you, not the gifts you give us.
I feel removing all the stuff between us will help us better connect.
Please don’t send food home with us, no clothes or gifts, no stuff from the house that you think I might need or use – nothing – just the two of you.
By taking a break from gift giving, you’ll be helping me work through some of my negative emotions. I truly feel that I would like you a lot more, that I would like seeing you a lot more, if the gift giving stops.
I realize this is going to be hard to understand and maybe even upsetting, but I feel the gifts are getting in the way of my healing process.
You might forget this request or disagree, or it might even be painful for you. Just know that the giving of gifts is going to make me upset, and I will do my best to remind you what I need. If you follow my request, I’m going to like you a lot more and it’s going to help my recovery.
I’m committed to helping you understand the best ways to stay connected to me and my family; I’m more than happy to give feedback if I notice things that seem to be undermining our relationship.
One other thing I feel you could both do to help me feel safe is read the book “What Can I Do About Him Me” by Rhyll Croshaw together, or at least on your own but at the same time.
Learning about addiction and recovery, learning the language and the concepts, is part of my “new normal” and has to be part of my life. I will feel you care about me if trying to understand what’s going on is part of your learning too.
I know you’re doing your best, and I’m doing my best too. I’ve learned that sometimes it’s really hard to understand a child’s needs – especially when they don’t make sense.
If you will let me teach you what my needs are and respect those needs, I know our relationship can be better than it’s ever been.
I look forward to additional conversation about our relationship.
Love, Nate
This is awesome Nate. Really great to see the progress of it and how it evolved. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks Sean. It has been interesting to me as well to see how things have evolved and changed. It was also interesting to feel a difference yesterday as we saw my parents. Although it felt a little odd, I felt like changes are already starting to happen as I surrender my will over to God and let Him direct how things go for all of us.
Now it’s about figuring out when I share it and how…