This discussion topic about working the steps is from one of our friends in recovery, Jared. Thanks to Jared for contributing to the group discussion and for the time he put into collecting his thoughts about recovery. If you’re interested in sharing a discussion topic, please reach out to me here.
How do I know when I’m ready to work the next step in recovery?
The beauty of the 12 Steps is that the steps are sequential, and they build on one another. As I understand and implement the principles in one step, I move on to the next step taking knowledge and understanding I gained from the previous step with me to the next step. But one aspect of the 12-Step program that has eluded me at times is knowing when it’s time to start working on the next step.
Initially when I started attending 12-Step meetings, I thought I’d attend the meetings for three months, working each of the steps for a week and be done with the program. I thought I’d be back to my “normal” life minus the pornography in no time.
Ha, was I wrong!
I quickly realized that the program was going to take more time. I started reading the steps and answering the questions in the manual for the Addiction Recovery Program. I stumbled my way through the first five steps and made it to Step 6. For whatever reason, I completely stalled on Step 6. I went from thinking I would work a step a week to remaining on the same step for over a year.
Eventually, I decided to start back over with Step 1. I cycled through the first five steps for a couple more years never feeling I was ready to move past Step 6.
In the past three months, with the help of the arpsupport.org’s 90-day program and my sponsor, I have been able to break through Step 6 and am currently working on Step 10, 11, and 12. Here are a few things that have helped me know when it’s time to go to the next step:
- I have prayed for the ability to discern when I am giving an honest effort and when my sacrifice has been accepted. If I’m having difficulty discerning, I’ve asked my sponsor for help. He has more experience in recovery and has a fresh perspective.
- Be honest with myself. Often if I’m honest with myself, I’ll know deep down when I’m ready for the next step or conversely when I’ve left something on the table and need to dig deeper.
- Getting stuck on a step may be a signal that I need to go back and revisit the previous step (or steps).
- When trying to decide whether to move on to the next step or not, I must keep in mind that it’s infinitely better to be working a step—any step—than spinning my wheels and not working anything.
- I can’t let perfectionism paralyze me or prevent me from progressing.
- I can’t forget the principles and tools I’ve already learned from previous steps. As I read on another blog devoted to the 12 Steps, “The output of a step becomes the input for the one that follows it.”
Keeping in mind that I will be working the steps the rest of my life and will have the chance to revisit all of the steps multiple times, my question is this:
Perhaps I have a simplistic view, but every time we do a step we learn more from it. I used to be a perfectionist and I still struggle sometimes with thinking I need to be perfect at something before moving on.
In my simplistic view, I think that one I have read and pondered a step, including all the study and understanding and committed to do the action steps, it is time to move on.
I come to this conclusion after working the ARPSupport program and sponsoring in it for a year and a half. Constantly moving forward and keeping busy working the understanding and such is a key element of making progress. No matter how much time I spend working a specific step, I am not going to become perfect at it, so why get bogged down. I keep in mind that I learn line-upon-line precept-on-precept for each of these steps. I have learned something from the one I just finished and I will learn something more from it the next time I work it, but now it is time to learn that one precept from the next step.
That is what I think.
Thanks for the comment Kevin. My feeling is similar – a step is never “done.” As I do steps again, I can learn different things based on where I am in that moment.
ARP Support has also really helped me work the steps in a structured and orderly way. I’ve also used the Step Into Action books from SA as a way to look at the steps in another way and dig deeper.
Like you said, it’s about “constantly moving forward and keeping busy working” are key elements in making progress in recovery. There’s a reason why, in SA-L, we say at the end of each meeting: “Keep coming back, it works when you work it, so work it your worth it!”
I appreciate your insight.
I agree with both comments. Years ago when I went to the PARP I got stuck on step 3, then 4, and didn’t move on, and stopped going to meetings. Now that I started over on my recovery about 9 months ago, I started over and have been more diligent in working the steps, and am on step 7. Attending meetings is a great way for me to keep moving forward on the steps. If I’m not going to meetings, I’m not working the steps. I get to review, relearn, and meditate on a step each week, many previous steps I had already taken. So I have many opportunities to revisit the steps that I’m not currently working on. It’s that perfectionism that holds me back when I try to work alone, but I need to remember it is the Savior who perfects me, and He wants me to move forward, progress, and become the man He knows I should be. That’s why relying on Him helps me know through the spirit when I should move on. Thanks.
Getting stuck on steps – I too got stuck on a step back when I first started going to meetings; ultimately, that getting stuck led me down a path that nearly lost me everything most important to me.
Meetings, meetings, meetings – that’s one of the steps in the recovery process.
Meetings will hopefully lead to working the steps too. Unfortunately, in my experience, I feel that some think that going to meetings is enough and that reading a step a week is “working the steps.”
For me, working the steps honestly is reading, studying, and writing about a step daily. As I’ve learned from 90 Day ARP and SA-L, recovery has to be the most important thing in my life, just like food and water, or I will allow thoughts, feelings and emotions to creep back in, bury them, and ultimately fall back into addictive behaviors and actions.
I’m grateful for the Savior and the Father who are patient with me. I’m grateful for the tools that have been introduced to me to help me live a “new normal.” Thanks for your comment Doug!
I am just wondering if you ever really complete a step? I see merit in pushing through all of them in order at least once to clear out lives of shame and not have to look back. I certainly gained a strong belief in this since I completed the 90 day ARP. For me though, I’m such a hard nosed idiot that I forget things I learn that are true, and some days I feel I really need to work on giving God my will, where as other days I need to focus more on reaching out to others and things more related to the maintenance steps etc.. I am not suggesting anything here, I guess really I’m asking if I should be doing something different myself?
Hey Cameron, good question. Personally, I don’t think the steps are EVER over, completed, finished. I look at Steven, who has 10+ years in recovery, and he’s always talking about working a step, re-doing a step 4, actively working steps 10, 11, and 12. Recovery, for me, has to become a way of life or addiction will slip back in.
I feel like repenting/recovering from addiction is different that repenting for other things: the process is more ongoing because what I’m repenting from is not an outward thing as much as a real change of heart. That change of heart won’t happen overnight or with a simple confession to a Bishop. It’s a process, a retraining of the brain and a “new normal.”
I too forget things I’ve learned or things that I’ve realized work so well. I get complacent, and I can easily fall back into “comfort zones” where I’m bound to relapse or slip if I don’t snap out of it right away.
Surrendering my feelings to God, to a sponsor, and writing them down has been a practice that I hope will continue until I’m dead. Without that, my addict self will come right back and I’ll deal with hard things the way I did for most of my life.
Those are my thoughts on your question 🙂
This is a big reason why writing has been important for me. When I’m honest in writing down my thoughts and feelings, it becomes much more clear to me where I’m at. Writing helps me detangle the thoughts and feelings I’m experiencing and if I do it right, I can often even call myself out on stuff. Sending these thoughts over to my sponsor also helps me makes sense of it through his guidance. I think the better we know where we currently stand, the better we’ll know when to continue to move on with the steps, or just what step to work on.
Amen! Writing has been so important to me too. I’ve found that the more I write, the more I realize about myself and what I’m thinking and feeling. Writing helps me be completely honest with myself and others. I feel my surrender process goes like this: I write, I surrender to God, I surrender to someone else > usually in that order. Sometimes, I’m not even sure what to pray about and my prayers can become monotonous repetitions of thanks and asking. But if I’ve written things out, I’ve found things I can talk to God about directly – this is a new normal for me.
I also feel like working the steps, for me, will be a life-long pursuit, not an event that eventually ends.
Thanks for your thoughts Sean!