I woke up early today and felt really anxious. The random thing is, this is why I believe I was feeling anxious:
Is the AC working?
Did they adjust it right?
It seems to be making a new sound?
Am I paying for services I don’t need with hosting?
Is the server issue ever going to be fixed?
What are the next steps I can take with the U?
Is Bill going to work out as a programmer or will he charge too much?
What if he is going to charge too much – then what?
How long can I rely on Devin to help me fulfill – or should I get someone else?
I don’t know why I’m feeling so stressed about some of these things, but the feelings are there.
I need to take action and do some of the things I feel I’ve been procrastinating or freezing on. Here’s the list:
U audit and work
Local for HCM
Local for Wachter
Finalizing the Bright Local account
I feel if I do those four things, I’ll have some stress relief because, deep down, they are causing a lot of stress and anxiety.
I am doing some study and research right now and found this topic that I feel relates closely to the sobriety vs. recovery discussion we had the other day:
Signs your sexual sobriety isn’t completely committed
- Avoidance strategies used in close personal relationships — Sex addicts are people with intimacy disorders. Whether or not they are acting on their addictive behaviors, the fear of being vulnerable and truly emotionally intimate tends to rule their psyches. It can be hard for them to be fully honest. Authentic recovery requires these things, but those who don’t wholly embrace recovery continue to use avoidance and distancing strategies in order to avoid the intimacy that terrifies them so much and that created their addiction in the first place.
As I think about what this says, it reminds me of the relationship I have with my parents currently. I want to avoid them. I don’t want to feel what it’s going to feel like to try to repair that relationship. I don’t want to deal with the shame I feel Dad will push back on me. I don’t want to hear the excuses and justifications and defensiveness I feel Mom will bring up over and over again. I don’t want to be fully honest with them about what I’m learning about my addiction and how they are part of it. I don’t want them to think I’m crazy or that I’m pushing blame on them.
I feel like I have been using “avoidance and distancing strategies in order to avoid the intimacy that terrifies [me] so much and that created [my] addiction in the first place.”
This one is interesting too:
- Conflict prone, defensive, passive-aggressive, sarcastic, contemptuous or persistently disengaged in work and/or personal relationships — Again, each of these social strategies is a way to keep people at bay, to avoid intimacy. Being available to intimacy with others means taking the risk of being hurt, something an active sex addict cannot tolerate.
Sarcasm is definitely something I use with my parents all the time. It’s my way of “being honest” by joking about what’s bugging me about them.
I also can sometimes feel disengaged in work, maybe better called procrastinating the hardest things.
I want to stay “at bay.” I don’t want to take the risk of being hurt.
I think this quote hits the nail on the head:
“When we commit to well-being as much (or more) as we do to cessation, a different way of living becomes possible. Committing to cessation creates the white-knuckling effect: sobriety without recovery.”
I made a comment on the post, although it’s an older post with no comments. We’ll see if it gets published or responded to.
I’m grateful, today, for my desire to recover from my addiction.
Yesterday, after my meeting with Adam, I took action and made a call to my mom. I talked to her about coming to visit this weekend and shared why things were off a bit. I talked to her about dealing with my negative emotions about our relationship and how I just needed time to sort things out.
Naturally, she got a bit defensive, although she tried to preface that she wasn’t getting defensive…
I talked to her about my struggle with getting gifts – that I was afraid of the reputation of being spoiled.
She immediately said they had tried to have additional kids and adopt, to which I got a bit frustrated. “Just let me talk,” I thought to myself.
Anyway, it was a good step in opening the conversation.
I’ll take things a day at a time.
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