The Ongoing Work of Full Disclosure

I just finished working on my full disclosure document, which is never fun.

I also had a tough talk with Beck this morning about something our therapist said to her after her meeting recently with him. He told her that we should probably not have sex as much in the future and that that part of our relationship needed to change.

My first thought was, “Why would that topic even come up in the context of the other things they’d been talking about?”

My second thought was, “Isn’t our sexual relationship a lot different than it was before?”

She mentioned that we were having sex 3-5 times per week still. This is concerning to me, primarily because I feel that we don’t have sex that often at all anymore, and I don’t keep track anymore. Yes, the year after the online affair disclosure and prior to that when I was in the depths of my addiction, we had sex more often, and I had extremely unrealistic expectations, but since then I feel it’s been a lot less.

In fact, I’ve been scared to initiate or have any expectations about that area of our life at all. I don’t know what’s “healthy” or “right.” I’ve been willing to go on a long-term fast if necessary and am still willing to do that now if it will help.

So, this conversation wasn’t easy and caught me quite off guard.

I feel let down.

I feel scared.

I feel sick about my full disclosure and worry about what that will do to our relationship as well.

I feel like I’ve been trying so hard to live a new normal and these comments about our sexual relationship were like a kick in the crotch – a “sure, you’re doing ok but you’re still expecting too much and you’re not healthy sexually.”

I just feel powerless.

I feel, over the last few weeks, that something has really been off with my wife. I don’t want this to be an effort for me to row her boat – I just want to be aware of what she’s feeling from my perspective. She’s felt more overweight (which is not the case at all), she’s worried about the wedding and how she’s going to look there compared to her sister and others, she’s worried about the transition from nursing our boy to not nursing him and what that will do to her body. And, to cap it off, I’m sure she’s worried about the full disclosure and the questions she’s been asked to put together.

All of this feels so fresh and new and ugly.

I don’t know what to do.

I also feel the pressure of work and the temptation to freeze and do nothing for fear of messing things up. This is not a good feeling and is one I want to surrender.

I don’t feel organized or on top of things. I feel I’ve been out of the work groove for so long that it’s hard to get back into it effectively.

So, these are some of my feelings right now.

What can I do to cope in a positive way?

• Reach out to others DONE
• Share how I’m feeling with my sponsor DONE
• Write more IN PROGRESS
• Make a list of things to do – the hardest things first – set a timer – and then get to work on these things DONE
• Turn off my email except for 3 times per day DONE
• Look for help IN PROGRESS

So, here’s my list:

UPDATED:

• Work for UU (60 minutes) DONE
• Report for UU (30 minutes) – 12:45 p.m. DONE
• Lunch (15 minutes) – 1:00 p.m. DONE
• SR work (60 minutes) – 2:00 p.m. TO DO
• AD work (30 minutes) – 2:30 p.m. DONE
• LC follow up (10 minutes) – 2:45 p.m. DONE
• Put together job resume (45 minutes) – 3:30 p.m. DONE
• Short break (15 minutes) – 3:45 p.m. DIDN’T DO
• Create new list DIDN’T DO

That’s all I have for now.

Hasta luego!

Nate