This topic has been on my mind off and on for quite some time, especially after attending LDS ARP meetings.
I often hear some of my fellows say things like,
“I know I can overcome this addiction,”
or
“I know that if I read my scriptures more and pray more, I will overcome this.”
Unfortunately, I’ve thought that way in the past as well. Too many times.
And where did my efforts to overcome the addiction get me? Nowhere good. Ever.
The topic I want to discuss today is the difference between overcoming my addiction vs. surrendering the addiction to my Higher Power, as I understand Him, and letting Him help me do what I can’t do on my own.
What is Surrender?
In Rhyll Croshaw’s book, “What Can I Do About Him Me?” she talks quite a bit about surrender:
The first three steps of the program are all about accepting, believing in and surrendering to God.
The first three steps are often a daily process of learning to surrender my will to God through believing in His great power. For most of us, surrendering our will to God is one of the most difficult things we may ever do. One spiritual leader has said:
The submission of one’s will is really the only uniquely personal thing we have to place on God’s altar. The many other things we “give,”…are actually the things He has already given or loaned to us. However, when you and I finally submit ourselves, by letting our individual wills be swallowed up in God’s will, then we are really giving something to Him! It is the only possession which is truly ours to give!”
I have discovered that surrendering is an emotional, physical and spiritual process directing me to God. I can’t merely say that I will surrender my fear. I have to work through these steps daily.
If the surrender process isn’t firmly in place, it’s rather easy for me to go to a place of fear…Fear is easy. To deal with those feelings of fear and maintain peace in my life, the surrender process is essential.
Fear, then, is the opposite of surrender. If I’m not willing to surrender my feelings to God, I’m putting my trust in my own arm and am afraid God isn’t listening.
I do think the word “surrender” can be misunderstood in connection with recovery. After all, the definition of surrender is this:
This is NOT what surrender means to me in recovery. I’m not giving in to the enemy or opponent and submitting to their authority at all.
Instead, I’m surrendering to God and putting my trust in Him.
For me, surrender looks like this:
- On my knees
- On the phone
- Write it down
On my knees is pretty straightforward but can be a checklist item if I’m not careful. I have to reach out to God, my higher power, and ask for His help in the moment. I have to show a level of trust that He is listening and that He will help me.
One thing that has stuck out to me recently about the “on my knees” concept is that, for many years, my prayers have been about what I want. Rarely, if ever, have I ask God what He wants me to do.
And how can I really practice Step 3 in recovery if I’m always asking, or telling, God for things that aren’t really in alignment with His will in the first place?
If all I’m doing is asking God for things I think I need, I probably won’t get the answers I’m hoping for or expecting. Then, when I don’t get those answers, I figure that He isn’t listening or that I’m not worthy of the answer.
At this point in my addictive mind, I’ve stopped praying altogether…
On the phone takes more humility in my opinion.
Reaching out to others, especially verbally, can cause me more fear. But, I’m learning that talking with others can be much less revised and scripted – things can just come out that I hadn’t really thought through or re-hashed on paper before sending to someone.
Reaching out to others is vulnerable. But if I want real recovery, I have to realize that I need other people to help me.
In the Big Book of AA it says this:
Particularly was it IMPERATIVE to work with others. (p. 14)
To watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you, to have a host of friends-this is an experience you MUST not miss. (p. 89)
Write it down. I’ve found that writing out my feelings, emotions, fears, and frustrations has been one of the most therapeutic practices I’ve ever done.
There have been times where I’m not even sure what I’m thinking or feeling. I start to write, and my mind seems to open up and things come out that I’d never thought of.
Sharing my writing with my wife, with my sponsor or a sponsee, and with other friends can also help me get additional perspective and awareness.
Can We Really Overcome Addiction?
I feel this is a debatable question. But my gut says no.
For me, when I hear overcome, it makes me think about scriptures like “putting my trust in the arm of the flesh.”
When I hear overcome, it reminds me of how many times I tried and tried and thought I could beat the addiction. Never happened.
Overcome reminds me of the analogy of sitting in a rowboat throwing marbles at a battleship. Am I ever going to win that fight?
No.
Never!
How Many Times Does AA Talk about “Overcoming” Alcoholism?
Out of curiosity, I checked in the Big Book of AA to do a comparison of the words “overcome” and “surrender.”
The word “overcome” is mentioned 13 times in the Big Book of AA. Some of those mentions aren’t in the context of this discussion. Here are a few examples of how the word “overcome” is used:
These men were not drinking to escape; they were drinking to overcome a craving beyond their mental control. (p. XIX)
There is scarcely any form of trouble and misery which has not been overcome among us. (p. 15)
If a mere code of morals or a better philosophy of life were sufficient to overcome alcoholism, many of us would have recovered long ago. (p. 44)
When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically. (p. 64)
The best reason first: If we skip this vital step, we may not overcome drinking. (p. 72)
For the wives of Alcoholics – We want to leave you with the feeling that no situation is too difficult and no unhappiness too great to be overcome. (p. 104)
The word “surrender” is actually only mentioned 11 times. The context, in my opinion, is more what I envision long-term recovery to look like:
And I took everything that A.A. had to give me. Easy does it, first things first, one day at a time. It was at that point that I reached surrender. I heard one very ill woman say that she didn’t believe in the surrender part of the A.A. program. My heavens! Surrender to me has meant the ability to run my home, to face my responsibilities as they should be faced, to take life as it comes to me day by day and work my problems out. That’s what surrender has meant to me. I surrendered once to the bottle, and I couldn’t do these things. Since I gave my will over to A.A., whatever A.A. has wanted of me I’ve tried to do to the best of my ability. (p. 300)
God had restored me to sanity, and I took Step Two the very moment I surrendered and accepted my powerlessness over alcohol and the unmanageability of my life. (p. 335)
Just a few of the gifts of the program for surrendering, suiting up, and showing up for life every day. Good days and bad days, reality is a wild ride, and I wouldn’t miss it for the world. I don’t question how this program works. I trust in my God, stay involved in A.A. service, go to lots of meetings, work with others, and practice the principles of the Steps to the best of my willingness each day. (p. 337)
What’s the Answer Then?
Is there really an answer?
Can one overcome addiction?
Or is addiction “overcome” only through surrender to our Higher Power?
To me, surrender is the answer.
To me, overcoming is synonymous with “white-knuckling” and has always led me back to my rituals and choices that end in relapse.
One of my favorite quotes from SA is the 3rd Step Prayer, which I feel summarizes perfectly what recovery looks like:
God, I offer myself to Thee To build with me & to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy love & Thy way of life. May I do Thy will always.
To me, THIS is surrender and this is what long-term recovery from sexual addiction looks like.
I look forward to your experience and how you are working your recovery today.
I agree with your assessment, Nate, particularly from the perspective of what the word ‘overcome’ implies but may not obviously represent on the surface. I’m a bit of a language/grammar/meaning nerd, so the distinction between the direct and implied meanings of ‘overcome’ is one that I believe carries a lot of weight.
The definition of overcome is this:
The implication of this definition is that there is an end to whatever is being overcome, that the foe is finite and knowable, and that there will be a clear beginning, middle, and end to the struggle/problem to be overcome.
Addiction shows us a very different reality than this. Addiction is not currently ‘known’ in its full extent, because addiction is as unique as the individual that struggles with it. Addiction is also not ‘finite’ or confinable to a particular moment in time, because the potential for it exists as long as the body is alive, and is therefore “infinite” within the scope of the entire lifespan.
Even less finite than addiction are the mental/emotional/spiritual ailments that are the root of all addiction, suffering, and unpleasant/undesired behaviors. No religion or belief system that I’m aware of (important caveat) has any magic pill that can eliminate all these from life, let alone the unpleasant emotions and struggle that are out of our control entirely. In fact, most all belief systems of any worth teach that struggle is essential for the greatest growth, because at the very least it can show us just how great our surrender must be to get to a place of peace, clarity, connection, joy, etc.. I believe that certain behaviors and responses to negative emotions can be overcome through the practice of surrender and the other tools and principles available through recovery, but the emotions and addiction potentials cannot be overcome until the body is no more.
My 10 cents, because—let’s face it—that was definitely more than 2 cents of stuff.
Thanks JR. Your “10 cents” is valuable to me!
I like what you said:
It would be interesting to assemble a group together of recovering addicts from any addiction and survey them on if they feel there is an “end” to recovery.
Personally, I don’t think there is an end. It makes me think of the phrase in the White Book about “progress, not perfection.”
I believe this life is about progress, about learning, about growing, and about becoming better than we were the day before.
I agree with this statement too:
Thanks for your thoughts on the topic!
When I think of “overcoming” my addiction, everything becomes very daunting. Things become much harder to face/do. I feel like the burden is on me to fix myself. Once I decide to “surrender” my addiction to God, things got more manageable. I realized that long term sobriety was possible and that it’s ok not to have all the answers all the time. I am ok being an imperfect person. I am ok with needing to do work everyday to keep my sobriety. I could never come to these realizations without surrender. If I’m trying to “overcome my addiction” I feel that I am lost. When I surrender I feel at peace and I know that I have a God who loves me and cares about me.
Thanks Devin. Your comment reminded me of a talk called, “The Power of Not Knowing,” by Liz Wiseman
The questions she asks are compelling:
Her talk (and your comment) reminded me of this scripture too:
2 Nephi 9:28: When they are learned they think they are wise, and they harken not to the counsel of God.
To me, this scripture is about surrendering, not overcoming. If I think I’ve overcome my addiction, most likely on my own, I may think I am wise and stop harkening to the counsel of God.
But if I surrender to God and recognize that only HE can help me with my addiction recovery, the hope is that I won’t forget how I changed because of Him.
One day at a time is all I can do – even one moment at a time.
Thanks for your comment.
I really love this topic. For me step one was the hardest. And to think you can overcome sexual addiction shows that step one isn’t completely understood and accepted. It took me quite a while to really fully understand step one and to stop thinking this was something I could overcome with more effort. If I really surrender, His strength gets me through. My strength gets me occasional victories but in the end it always fails.
Thanks Joel. Great point. If I think I can overcome my addiction, I don’t fully understand Step 1:
We admitted that we were powerless over lust-that our lives had become unmanageable. (The White Book, p. 6)
Powerlessness can’t be overcome. I need the help of others to change.
I like what it says in Step 11 too:
Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with -God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. (p.6)
This is surrender too! “…praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.”
Thank you for your comment and insight.
I like this post. Thank you. To me, the idea of being able to overcome something also sounds a bit like saying you can overcome being mortal. There will ALWAYS be temptation and struggle in this life. Jesus told us to “watch and pray always.” I think some are afraid that if the word “overcome” is not used, there is a stigma or something associated with never fully being ‘done.’ I think this is more a misunderstanding of the doctrine of the fall and a misunderstanding of how humility (always remembering one’s reliance on God) and grace are inextricably intertwined.
Thanks. I’m glad you found the discussion and appreciate your contribution.
Like JR said and like you’re saying, recovery will never be “done.”
That’s a hard concept in our culture, I think. From what I learned from when I was young, once I repent of something, it’s done, I don’t have to remember it anymore, it’s over, I’m clean and clear.
But what I’ve learned about addiction, and even any other sin, is that it’s not over. I must continue to ask God for His help. Yes, I believe He’ll forgive me, but I haven’t arrived. It’s like the scripture that says:
It’s about the present moment. Which direction am I facing right now, today? Yesterday is over and tomorrow doesn’t exist.
It’s like you said, “humility (always remembering one’s reliance on God).”
Thanks again for your input to this discussion.
Thanks for your topic nate, I have certainly found with my limited sobriety that I’ve experienced over the last 6 months, there is likely no such thing as ‘overcoming’ my addiction. And that perhaps what it really means to turn to God, or Christ, or whatever somebody wants to turn to, does not mean that your higher power delivers you from your addictions, I think its more likely he guides you to give you the tools that you need to maintain sobriety. I certainly have heard of no one saying “hi my name is so-and-so, and I used to be an alcoholic”, they always refer to their alcoholism in the present, not as something in the past. perhaps one of the first things that has to be surrendered in order to be on apath of sound recovery is the desire to overcome an addiction, using the term overcome as I think people are referring to it in the LDS meetings. Maybe one of the fallacies of thinking you can ‘overcome’, is that it gives you a false sense of power over the addiction, or even the false sense of God’s power to help you to overcome the addiction. If the addiction truly is not overcomable, and is only controlled, lessened, managed etc. through the power of God then your recovery is not being built on a stable realistic foundation, and is instead being built upon a false hope and therefore cannot last and probably will just lead to constant relapsing. Just some thoughts, not sure if I’m correct or not.
Thanks Cameron! I agree – I’ve never heard a recovering alcoholic say “I used to be an alcoholic but I’m not anymore.”
In fact, I know two missionaries in LDS ARP that both have over 30 years in sobriety from alcohol that still introduce themselves like this: “Hi, I’m ___________ and I’m an alcoholic.”
Does that demean them or cause me to think they have surrendered to alcohol and let it overtake them? No. Not at all.
But, like you said, they talk in the present and they admit that they are powerless over their addiction of choice.
I also agree that thinking I can overcome this or even that God will overcome this for me is not correct. Instead, I believe that God will help me “carry my cross” and He will lighten my burdens – but not take them away. Because these challenges in my life, if I let them, will keep me humble and remind me that I need Him all the time.
Thanks, always, for your comments.
For the new comer, and for many who are still learning, … the Idea of overcoming is what gives them hope and hope is a precious thing. However sometimes that very hope of “overcoming” the addiction is the very thing that keeps them (and me often times) from truly surrendering. At times when I feel utterly defeated, I surrender, I am humble and submissive. It is then my burden is lifted, the hope and light returns.
but…. then I catch my breath and I find my actions seem to say “Thanks God, I’ll take it from here!”
For many, the concept of surrender is also has a finality to it. They surrendered and the war was over…..
I am learning, much to my addict’ed self’s disappointment, however that surrender is not a one time effort but a daily and many times daily choice to submit my will to God.a daily battle. I want this, and I want that but like Nate says what does God want?
Can I learn to be submissive on a daily basis or only when I am compelled to be humble? Acting out with pornography was causing too much unmanagability, in my life and pain in my family so when I couldn’t avoid this truth any more… I surrendered it. Now that life is a bit more manageable… can I also surrender the Lust? even when its not that bad? or not my fault or… excuse excuse? can I also surrender my right to resent or be angry or not take care of myself, not learn to listen to my needs, can I surrender my right to pretend that I am doing just fine?… and instead spend some time working on recovery when I’d do something a bit more entertaining or relaxing? even many good things can keep me from looking in and my negative emotions and prevent me from learning a new way.
Good points Jared. I think newcomer’s do have the mentality, I know I did, that “this will be over in just a few short weeks and I’ll be free.”
But that hope can be shattered pretty quickly as they realize that this is going to be a lifelong pursuit.
The true hope comes, in my opinion, when I learn that this lifelong pursuit will be so much easier to bear and will be a connecting experience as I turn it over to God and let Him direct me on what I should do right now, in this moment. Putting my trust in Him instead of putting my trust in myself or even in others.
It’s doctrine that’s talked about a lot in the scriptures, but, unfortunately, I think I’ve read it but not understood it.
I look forward to communicating with you more and reading your thoughts on recovery.
I agree with Nate’s assessment, and J.R.’s comment. When I first heard the term “surrender” in regards to recovery, I didn’t know what it meant. Then I met Steve C in Houston, and he explained it to me. Others that are new have a hard time with the term as well, because we confuse it with surrendering to the enemy, instead of to the Lord. I honestly prefer the word submit, and use the words interchangeably. Submit: accept or yield to a superior force or to the authority or will of another person. That superior force, authority, and will is my God. Mosiah 3:19 is another great definition of submission/surrender. But either way, I know I am a long way from knowing how to surrender/submit, and I have a lot of work to do. I have a hard time with reaching out, especially in the moment of crisis, and I know I have to be more humble, and more vulnerable. I hope to continue to learn to do this.
I agree that surrender and submit are synonymous in this context. Submitting my will to God or surrendering my will to God both resonate with me.
Both are a practice.
Both require me to put my full trust in Him.
I have felt so much power and deliverance as I consciously am practicing the three things Rhyll has taught:
– On my knees – asking for His help and the power to do His will
– On the phone with other fellows in recovery
– Writing my feelings down on electronic paper (this blog)
I’m not perfect at it, but, like anything worthwhile, as I practice, it does get easier and becomes a positive habit.
I feel that doing positive things to work recovery is a much better practice than making a list of all the things I can’t or shouldn’t be doing.
Thanks for your comment Doug. Look forward to connecting soon.
For me this is very simple:
Surrender means to turn to Christ.
When I’m tempted I turn to Him in prayer, and I do it knowing that I will fail without turning to Him.
That is what I teach all my sponsees.
I also teach them that to overcome on your own is relapse and failure.
Thanks for the comment Bryan. I agree – turning to Christ and God is the way. I’ve also found that talking to other fellows in recovery and writing out my thoughts and feelings on paper, so I can see them, has been helpful in the process.
There were many times, during my acting out in my addiction, that I tried to turn to Christ and ask for His help; but the truth that I’ve learned now is that a part of me didn’t want to let go of my coping mechanisms. I also didn’t understand that what I was really doing was burying negative emotions through acting out with pornography, masturbation, etc.
Reaching out to Christ has taken on a whole new meaning for me now as I try to utilize all the tools I’ve been taught by those who have gone before and have long-term recovery.
There are a lot of great comments here. And once again I’m late to the discussion this week.
As I read this weeks post I kept thinking that I tried, on my own, to overcome this problem for a long time. I never actually succeeded at that, so at some point I finally surrendered! I surrendered the truth to my wife, and the bishop. I surrendered my pride (well this is an ongoing process), and I have finally begun to surrender my will. And now that I’m not trying to overcome my addiction I have started to make some progress, by surrendering my weakness to God!
Thanks for the comment Levi. No rush on when you get to the comments – thanks for being part of the discussion.
I agree, it is a process that really won’t end for me until I’m dead. And I’ve come to grips with that. It helps for me to look at it more as “how am I choosing to connect with God and others in real ways today?” instead of this big fight with my addiction, which ultimately I will lose.