I didn’t get up quite as early as I’d have liked to today, but I feel good about this morning so far.
Here’s what’s on my list to do today:
- Pray, Write – DONE
- Get the proposal ready for BB
- Have the proposal presentation
- Have a call about CX with DA
- Have a call about the CX call with AP
- Meet with Adam S
- Lunch with Adam S
- Discovery meeting with RC and SC
- Talk about sponsorship with SC
So it’s an unusually busy Friday.
I need to get the proposal finalized for my call at 9:00 but wanted to talk about an experience that happened last night that I’m not sure about.
I got home late from the meeting: we had the meeting after the meeting and then I had to go to two different WalMarts to find the play sand for the play set and fire pit.
When I got home, everyone had just finished a movie and was headed to bed.
I was warming up dinner and, all of a sudden, I hear Beck scream, “What are you doing? Are you kidding me…” and no answer.
She’s coming up from down stairs and appears to be looking down the hall. So I head over there to see what’s happened.
Apparently Caleb had been standing by the mirror in the hallway and decided to pee on the floor in the hallway…
I too asked him what was going on, what he was thinking, what he was feeling…no answer. Just a “deer in the headlights” look on his face.
This eventually started a fairly long discussion.
I started by asking him what he was feeling – if there were things that happened during the day that caused him to feel the way he was feeling. Not much of any answer. He did share about a kid that’s been teasing him at tennis (surface level feeling I think). He also shared about being embarrassed about what Halli had told Madi (may be a bit more of a deep feeling). And finally, he shared about the dog experience from earlier that day where he was scared to ride his bike past a little dog who was barking at him and I shamed him pretty bad, then caught myself and rode with him. This was probably the core feeling that was making him stuff.
Becky and I aren’t sure this is why he did what he did though. After digging more, we found out this has been something he’s done on more than one occasion: on his vent in his room, on the floor in his room, on the rug in the bathroom, he didn’t confess this – but probably in the girls bedroom, in the hall before…
This discovery started the conversation more about urges, body changes, curiosity, masturbation, pornography and addiction.
Becky talked for a while, then I spoke up and shared a bit about my experience as a kid and what I’m working on now to surrender negative feelings to God and others and to be open, NO HIDING!
I feel both Becky and I were really practicing recovery – no shame, just concern. No blaming, just trying to understand and help him learn.
At the end of the talk, I felt like sharing something that I feel is part of my past:
It’s ok to feel sad. Sadness is part of life and we will have sadness from time to time. But stuffing sadness is not healthy and will cause, has caused, negative feelings. I told him that, as a kid, I think I felt sad quite a bit – for being the only kid, for fights Mom and Dad had, for not knowing where I stood with friends and peers. And, instead of feeling safe talking about those feelings with Mom or Dad, I stuffed them and numbed out with masturbation or pornography.
At the end of this discussion, I asked Caleb to summarize what he felt he’d learned. He did pretty well and seemed to understand. Becky made him commit to telling her if this happened again within the hour. He made a “Scout’s honor” commitment to do so.
And before he went to sleep, I encouraged him to write things out in his journal.
Quite an experience.
I’m grateful for recovery today.
I’m grateful to be working my own recovery and surrendering my will to Go as best as I can.
I reached out to the entire email list this morning to encourage others to share their experience and questions in the discussion – we’ll see how that goes.
I feel like the discussion is a way I can practice Step 12.
Here’s to a day in recovery and awareness of feelings and emotions.