The following denial statements were compiled by Utah Valley Counseling.
As I have been working on my full disclosure, my therapist has asked me to recognize the different denial statements I’ve used when acting out in my addiction. As I wrote out this list, many, if not all, of these statements have been part of my daily denials as an addict.
Going through the list again, I tried to recognize the specific times I used the different denial statements and what I can do differently today to avoid these denial statements.
Minimizing
“What I did wasn’t that big of a deal. It doesn’t really hurt anyone.”
“I don’t relapse very often so I’m doing well.”
Blaming
“I wouldn’t have acted out if my partner hadn’t treated me poorly.”
“I can’t help it when I have to spend so much time on the computer for work.”
“If my partner was more sexual, then I wouldn’t have to act out.”
Rationalizing
“This is normal behavior. Everyone does it.”
“Addiction doesn’t exist. It’s just something made up by psychologists.”
“I’ve done so well, I deserver a little slip.”
Manipulating
“I won’t admit to any of my problems unless you admit that your problems are just as bad.”
“If you’re so smart, why don’t you figure out what I need to do to recover?”
“Our relationship will never get better if you can’t forgive me for the past.”
“You are just in trauma. You are making a big deal out of something small.”
Hopelessness
“Change is impossible. There is not point in even trying if I’m always going to fail.”
“I’ve tried everything and nothing works. No one knows how to solve my problems.”
“I can’t work through this trigger. I might as well act out now, so I can move on with my day.”
False Compliance
“I promise to do whatever you want as long as you leave me alone.”
“I do the bare minimum of work to keep people from bothering me.”
“I wait to be told what to do before I do anything, then I put little effort into it.”
“I have a recovery plan in place. It’s ok if I skip today, and start tomorrow.”
Comparing
“This is normal behavior. Everyone does it.”
“If I was as bad as that person, I would really take recovery seriously.”
“At least I have not done _______. My behaviors are not really that bad.”
Storytelling
“I may read this book with known sexual content, but I’m sure I’ll skip past triggering parts.”
“That was my last time acting out. I’m done and will never act out again for the rest of my life.”
All or Nothing Thinking
“If I slip into acting out even minimally, all hope is lost and I might as well indulge fully.”
“I have to be perfect, otherwise it’s not even worth trying.”
Eternal Optimism
“I’m feeling so much better, so I think I can back off my recovery work now.”
“I haven’t acted out in a while. I must be recovered.”
“My slip was bad, but I learned a lot… and I really think something is different this time.”
“Things are going great, I don’t need to reach out or do recovery work.”
Opportunity vs. Scarcity
“I’m finally alone. This may be the last chance I ever have to act out. I’d better take it.”
“It’s not my fault if I click on that link and ‘accidentally’ stumble onto pornography.”
Uniqueness
“I’m different than those addicts. I really don’t need to __________.”
“I’ve tried everything before and failed. I can’t be fixed. Recovery isn’t going to work for me.”
Compartmentalization
“Looking at pornography and acting out doesn’t affect other ares of my life.”
“As long as I am nice to my wife and kids, then my acting out really doesn’t hurt them.”
“If I fill my life with good pursuits, then I don’t need to focus on recovery.”
“I don’t care what the consequences are. I just want to feel better now.”
Omission
“I’m not responsible to disclose details, unless someone specifically asks me about them.”
“I can’t share how triggered I really am, otherwise others will stop me from acting out.”
Here’s a video that Dr. Adam Moore did at the recent UCAP conference in Salt Lake. He talks a lot about the denial statements.
What are you thoughts?
Great post. It is always striking to me how often I think I “understand” my denial. Only to read through these denial statements again…and again realize how much denial I still accept. I have been in recovery for 2.5 years and even reading this post now, I’m like “Yup, I got some of this going on”. Hopelessness and Blaming tend to be two of my favorites (:
Yeah, as I compiled the list it made me take a reality check on which denial statements I’m still minimizing (ironic that I’d minimize “minimizing”).
Thanks Steven.
Haha. It’s funny, but your so right. We all do! Work in progress always.
One that I have used many times in the past is, “I’m just going to take a quick peek at this website/video/movie/book to make sure it is something I should not be looking at.”
Thank you for compiling that list, I see myself in many of those statements.
Yep, said that one before too. That’s the scary thing about talking to other addicts-it’s liked we all have been reading the same script of lies for so long…
Thanks for the comment Rob.
All or Nothing, or the perfectionist, was always one that got me. Rationalizing by convincing myself this certain thing isn’t acting out because of this excuse. I was really good at convincing myself of this one.
I find that even though I am approaching 3.5 years sober, I still use avoidance and rationalize that because I am not acting out in lust it is okay. But, is it really okay to avoid reality and use escapism from dealing with everyday life stresses? Will that not just lead me back towards the addiction?
Thanks Kevin. For me, it’s a day to day practice of awareness. Today, when my kids came home from school and were fighting the moment they walked in the door, I justified yelling at them because they deserved to be punished. As I look back, this was addict behavior: taking out my negative emotions of stress and anxiety from work on the first thing that I could justify passing my fears onto. Denial statement!
One day/moment at a time isn’t just a cliche for addicts trying to work recovery; its reality, and I’m grateful to be aware of that right now. Thanks for always contributing.
I agree with Nate. Recovery is a way of live, we start constantly moving to Christ and you don’t look back. I think going into it a lot of us think we just need to stop the behavior. I applaud you Kevin for your still seeking awareness and am sure you’ll be blessed for it. Good example and reminder.
Unfortunately, I am familiar with many of those statements. Most recently, I have been using the eternal optimism statements (e.g., I’ve been sober for months, so I don’t need to keep up on my daily step work). I learned recently that psychologists have a term for this type of statement. It’s moral licensing or self-licensing. The idea (at least, the way I understand it) is that when I do something positive in one area of my life, I subconsciously justify acting improperly in another area. There are so many ways I get tripped up in my thought processes. I’m so grateful each time I recognize another way.
I am guilty of employing all of these statements. As addicts, it is easier to live in denial and shift blame to others. The difficult part is looking in the mirror and seeing ourselves for who we truly are. We are Sons of God who are misdirected in our choices. Thank God for SA-L!
Thanks, guys. This is a good post.
Opportunity vs. Scarcity is probably my big one. There are gray spaces we know we should stay away from and do not, for the very reason that we “may” stumble upon something. Youtube is a good example.
Thanks for the reminder and the very honest comments, guys. Adam always tells it like it is!