Well, as you can see, it’s been WAY TOO LONG since I’ve really done much with my journal. Not a good thing.
Although I wouldn’t say I’ve completely relapsed, I’ve fallen back in to paths that I shouldn’t: browsing around on Facebook, looking at pictures of people and indirectly hoping to find stuff I shouldn’t be seeing, watching videos of girls shaking their butts (even though their clothes are on), watching an “educational program” about kama sutra, all these things have added up to not feeling the best about my progress.
It’s all boiled down to ONE MAIN THING: not doing the action steps in the program.
So, after a good meeting a few weeks ago where a guy I respected mentioned he’d had a “Sponsor”, I decided to talk to him after the meeting about what it was, how it worked, etc. He offered to be my sponsor, which means it’s someone I “return and report” to every day, either via phone or in person.
I’ve found that I’m at the point in my life where I feel that I do things for the reason of “pleasing others” or “to be seen of men”. Although this may be better than doing things out of fear of punishment, it’s still not where I need to be – doing things because of the love of God.
I’ve got a lot out of both of these things.
As I was reading over Step 2 – Hope, in the Addiction Recovery Manual, this thought came to mind:
I will break up the action steps in this chapter and answer them one at a time every day of this week.
By “coincidence” there happened to be 7 action step questions in the 2nd Step so here I go:
Believe in God; believe that hs is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend” (Mosiah 4:9)
“Many witnesses in heaven and in earth testify of God’s existence. What evidences of God and His love have you experienced?”
One evidence I experienced last night was while traveling to “Fathers and Sons” camp with Caleb. We had finished a softball game late Friday night and I’d thought we would just do something at home. However, after so much excitement of Caleb to go to the mountains, I decided to get the map and head out with my boy.
It was so interesting how our conversation went. We talked about all the creations: the trees, the moon, the water, etc. and how Heavenly and His Son Jesus Christ created everything, including us. Caleb ask such great questions and the thought came to my mind about my Patriarchal Blessing where it talks about how I will teach people who they are, why they are here, and where they are going. There I was teaching my own little four year old about these very things.
We talked about why we are here: to become like Jesus. Caleb ask, “How do we be like Jesus?” I told him we are nice to others, we serve, we’re obedient, we don’t steal, or kill, or cheat, we treat Mom and Dad nice…
After a pretty good conversation about this, we then got to the camp ground and I read “Beware of Pride” out loud while Caleb sat in the dark listening. At one point he just looked at me, smiled, and said, “I love you Daddy!”
It’s like he was happy that I was sharing truth with him, even as a little four year old. We talked about what pride is and why there’s contention in our home sometimes.
I know God loves me. I know He wants me to do what’s right. I know He’s giving me opportunity after opportunity to overcome my additions and draw closer to Him. I know it’s my choice and I need to remember what it talks about in Step 1 about Honesty – I should compare all the things that are most important to me with what will happen if I continue down the path of addiction.
Other things that are an evidence of God and his love are my other children. Little Chloe Virginia is such a perfect little soul. Becky and I probably couldn’t do it if she was overly fussy. It’s also amazing to see how close Caleb and Madi are. They are best friends and take such great care of each other most of the time. They are a blessing in our lives and yet another evidence of God’s love and trust He has in Becky and me.
Tomorrow/Today I bless Chloe. Some of the things I hope to say include the following:
- Physical health: that she’ll be protected from all the flues, viruses and other things that are being passed around; that she’ll be aware of the needs of her body and take good care of it; that she’ll be a good example to others and stand for right in regards to physical appearance and modesty.
- Morality: that she’ll have a love for the word of God and use it to help her make choices in her life; that she’ll be an example of purity to her friends and family; that she’ll follow good examples who will teach her what is right.
- Love of the Truth: that she’ll gain a testimony for herself of the Gospel of Jesus Christ; that she’ll have a strong desire to go to the temple and learn about the plan of happiness that is taught there; that she’ll be excited to serve and help others; that she’ll love her brothers and sisters and be an example in our family; that she’ll share the truth with her peers and stand for truth
- Love of Family: that her family will be an important part of her life; that she’ll have a close relationship with her Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ; that her relationship with her parents will be helpful to her in her progress
I’m grateful for my family. I’m grateful to have a sponsor to help me be accountable. I hope to make progress so the main reason I do things is for the Love of God. I hope for humility.