It’s only 10:30 a.m. and I’m starting my study! Hurray! Last night I was actually in bed reading by 9:30 p.m. (didn’t end up going to sleep until about 11:30 p.m. but I feel that was progress too.
I had a good experience at the meeting last night: I shared that I was only 6 days sober. For me, this was a bit difficult. I remember thinking on my way over there, “What will everyone think? I think most of them think I’ve been sober for a long time…” Just the thought of this reminded me of the “must be seen as” mentality I read about in a book once.
So, I shared what had happened, how I attributed a lot of the mini-relapse to fear and to directly following MY WILL as opposed to God’s. It was hard to share and I was actually a bit nervous, but I feel like honesty, both with myself, with God, and with others, is a sign of true recovery.
I also had a good experience on the way home from the meeting. Day before last I had chatted with a girl I knew in high school that I felt I needed to make amends with. I got her phone number and asked when a good time would be to contact her to talk about something important. She gave me her number and said anytime yesterday. So I called earlier in the day and wasn’t able to leave a message. While at the meeting, I felt I was reminded again that I had an opportunity to break a fear and to contact her again. I called, same thing – couldn’t leave a message. I called again about 2 minutes later, sounded like I got through but no answer. Called one more time and got a hold of her.
Our conversation was short. I just told her I’d been thinking and wanted to apologize for the things that had happened between us in High School, that I felt they were inappropriate and that I was sorry. I asked if she would forgive me and she said yes. That was about it. It felt good to take a step in the dark like that and do what I know I needed to do.
I am pretty nervous lately about how things are going to come together with my income. CO has been going slower than usual right now despite my efforts. HS is sporadic at best (although there are some options right now to sell ad space for the DA event in April 2011 – I’m a bit afraid of failure on that front). UCR is quite a shot in the dark, although I haven’t really tried ANYTHING so again, it’s a fear of the unknown. MM is just scary due to the legal issues that PR has put me in, although everyone I talk to just laughs at “non-compete” threats.
Anyway, it’s all a bit nerve racking.
I opened up my scriptures this morning and found Moroni chapter 7. I thought it was fitting to study about.
38 For no man can be saved, according to the words of Christ, save they shall have faith in his name; wherefore, if these things have ceased, then has faith ceased also; and awful is the state of man, for they are as though there had been no redemption made.
39 But behold, my beloved brethren, I judge better things of you, for I judge that ye have faith in Christ because of your meekness; for if ye have not faith in him then ye are not afit to be numbered among the people of his church.
40 And again, my beloved brethren, I would speak unto you concerning ahope. How is it that ye can attain unto faith, save ye shall have hope?
41 And what is it that ye shall ahope for? Behold I say unto you that ye shall have bhope through the atonement of Christ and the power of his resurrection, to be raised unto life ceternal, and this because of your faith in him according to the promise.
42 Wherefore, if a man have afaith he bmust needs have hope; for without faith there cannot be any hope.
43 And again, behold I say unto you that he cannot have faith and hope, save he shall be ameek, and lowly of heart.
44 If so, his afaith and hope is vain, for none is bacceptable before God, save the cmeek and lowly in heart; and if a man be meek and lowly in heart, and dconfesses by the power of the Holy Ghost that Jesus is the Christ, he must needs have charity; for if he have not charity he is nothing; wherefore he must needs have charity.
45 And acharity suffereth long, and is bkind, and cenvieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily dprovoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
46 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail—
47 But acharity is the pure blove of Christ, and it endureth cforever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him.
48 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, apray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true bfollowers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall cbe like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be dpurified even as he is pure. Amen.
There are quite a few things I got from reading this section:
- I have to have faith that things are going to be ok, that I DID get an answer to my prayers, and that I made the right decision in walking away from PR
- I have to have hope, “…hope through the atonement of Christ and the power of his resurrection, to be raised unto life eternal, and this because of [my] faith in him according to the promise.”
- I must be meek, and lowly of heart. I’m not sure exactly what this means. I know the work meek is a synonym with “humility”.
- I must pray for charity, the pure love of Christ. This is important because part of me is really tempted to go after PR, to ruffle some feathers with past clients, to bring out a bit of dirt. However, I don’t think this is “kind”. I think this would be an example of being “puffed up”; I think this would be “seeking my own” and “being easily provoked”. This is definitely “thinking evil” and “rejoicing in iniquity” and it’s not “rejoicing in the truth”. Although, part of me feels bad for the people that get entangled in the trap of “making money quickly” or “get rich quick” stuff. I want to help them avoid the situation and help PR make necessary changes so they really help MOST people, not a select few who could have done it on their own anyway.
- I guess the best question to ask is, “What would Christ do in this situation?” I feel the answer is not much. He would pray for the people and reach out to help, but not condemn.
I just made an effort to reach out to Jamie B. from High School too via chat. Didn’t get a response but plan to send her an email today.
So, that’s where I’m at for now. I read a scripture to Caleb this morning that I felt went along with my study from yesterday about teaching our children about the gospel. The scripture was Alma 37:35:
“O, remember, my son, and learn wisdom in thy youth; yea, learn in thy youth to keep the commandments of God.”
That’s an easy one to memorize and important for a little boy to know.
I’m grateful for a family. I’ve thought a lot lately about how special it is to be home with the kids, to have more time to get to know them. I really want this all to work out so I can be there in the important times in their lives.
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