Last night was tough, but fortunately not as tough as I thought.
As I said last night:
Deep down B not going is probably best. It’s been so hard here in Door County. Every day brings back memories to her that are hard and painful. I can only imagine what it would be like there in Nauvoo, especially with my mom and dad who don’t always know how to handle things best or say the right things.
I feel this is true. Going to Nauvoo would be worse than here: not only would she be isolated without anyone like her sisters to talk to, but she’d also be reminded over and over again of the pain I’ve caused.
I don’t think it would be good for her.
I don’t think it would be good for the baby.
And ultimately, I don’t think it’d be good for any of us.
I just let B know that I’d read her journal entry for today. It wasn’t an easy one but I do feel it’s good for me to know where she’s at so that I can do my best to help, prepare, and empathize.
She’s afraid of what I’ll do in Nauvoo. She’s afraid of what I’ll do in Utah by myself. She’s afraid I’ll go back to my addictions and even worse.
I’m so committed to my recovery that if I have to, I’ll go to meetings every day of the week.
I’m so committed to my recovery that I will not even turn on the TV after a certain time of the day.
I’m so committed to my recovery that I will shut off the computer after a certain time of the day.
I’m so committed to my recovery that I will meet with my counselor both weeks.
I’m so committed to my recovery that I will work hard and play hard and pray all the time.
I feel like this time away from B will be a time to really assess where my heart is and where I want to go with my life. I feel like, as the brothers of Joseph, this will be a great proving time.
I Genesis 42 it talks about Joseph proving his brothers:
15 Hereby ye shall be proved: By the life of Pharaoh ye shall not go forth hence, except your youngest brother come hither.
16 Send one of you, and let him fetch your brother, and ye shall be kept in prison, that your words may be proved, whether there be any truth in you: or else by the life of Pharaoh surely ye are spies.
19 If ye be true men, let one of your brethren be bound in the house of your prison: go ye, carry corn for the famine of your houses:
20 But bring your youngest brother unto me; so shall your words be verified, and ye shall not die. And they did so.
21 ¶And they said one to another, We are verily guilty concerning our brother, in that we saw the anguish of his soul, when he besought us, and we would not hear; therefore is this distress come upon us.
22 And Reuben answered them, saying, Spake I not unto you, saying, Do not sin against the child; and ye would not hear? therefore, behold, also his blood is required.
23 And they knew not that Joseph understood them; for he spake unto them by an interpreter.
24 And he turned himself about from them, and wept; and returned to them again, and communed with them, and took from them Simeon, and bound him before their eyes.
35 ¶And it came to pass as they emptied their sacks, that, behold, every man’s bundle of money was in his sack: and when both they and their father saw the bundles of money, they were afraid.
They set boundaries:
3 And Judah spake unto him, saying, The man did solemnly protest unto us, saying, Ye shall not see my face, except your brother be with you.
4 If thou wilt send our brother with us, we will go down and buy thee food:
5 But if thou wilt not send him, we will not go down: for the man said unto us, Ye shall not see my face, except your brother be with you.
The father asks why:
6 And Israel said, Wherefore dealt ye so ill with me, as to tell the man whether ye had yet a brother?
7 And they said, The man asked us straitly of our state, and of our kindred, saying, Is your father yet alive? have ye another brother? and we told him according to the tenor of these words: could we certainly know that he would say, Bring your brother down?
They are honest about the money left in their sacks:
20 And said, O sir, we came indeed down at the first time to buy food:
21 And it came to pass, when we came to the inn, that we opened our sacks, and, behold, every man’s money was in the mouth of his sack, our money in full weight: and we have brought it again in our hand.
22 And other money have we brought down in our hands to buy food: we cannot tell who put our money in our sacks.
Joseph knows what has happened and pardons them:
23 And he said, Peace be to you, fear not: your God, and the God of your father, hath given you treasure in your sacks: I had your money. And he brought Simeon out unto them.
The Big Test
1 And he commanded the steward of his house, saying, Fill the men’s sacks with food, as much as they can carry, and put every man’s money in his sack’s mouth.
2 And put my cup, the silver cup, in the sack’s mouth of the youngest, and his corn money. And he did according to the word that Joseph had spoken.
4 And when they were gone out of the city, and not yet far off, Joseph said unto his steward, Up, follow after the men; and when thou dost overtake them, say unto them, Wherefore have ye rewarded evil for good?
5 Is not this it in which my lord drinketh, and whereby indeed he divineth? ye have done evil in so doing.
The brothers don’t know what’s happening:
7 And they said unto him, Wherefore saith my lord these words? God forbid that thy servants should do according to this thing:
8 Behold, the money, which we found in our sacks’ mouths, we brought again unto thee out of the land of Canaan: how then should we steal out of thy lord’s house silver or gold?
They are willing to do whatever needs to be done to prove their innocence:
9 With whomsoever of thy servants it be found, both let him die, and we also will be my lord’s bondmen.
10 And he said, Now also let it be according unto your words: he with whom it is found shall be my servant; and ye shall be blameless.
11 Then they speedily took down every man his sack to the ground, and opened every man his sack.
12 And he searched, and began at the eldest, and left at the youngest: and the cup was found in Benjamin’s sack.
The brothers are willing to give themselves in place of their youngest brother:
15 And Joseph said unto them, What deed is this that ye have done? wot ye not that such a man as I can certainly divine?
16 And Judah said, What shall we say unto my lord? what shall we speak? or how shall we clear ourselves? God hath found out the iniquity of thy servants: behold, we are my lord’s servants, both we, and he also with whom the cup is found.
17 And he said, God forbid that I should do so: but the man in whose hand the cup is found, he shall be my servant; and as for you, get you up in peace unto your father.
The brothers plead with Joseph that he will not take Benjamin or their father will die from sorrow.
Joseph them reveals himself unto them.
So how can this apply to my situation?
I’m going to think about this and study it more.