I sent my apology letter yesterday night after thinking about it all day.
It’s only been about 8 hours or so, but I wait anxiously for her response. I love her so much. I cherish our friendship and companionship so much. I never, ever want to let her down again.
I think one of the biggest problems about my addiction is that in the past, it really only affected ME. By past, I mean when I was growing up. Now, however, whenever I make that decision to look at pornography, or lust, or masturbate, I’m putting daggers in the backs of B and of my kids, and really of my entire posterity. If I continue down this path of destruction, it will influence GENERATIONS – all because I was thoughtless, selfish, and fed the carnal instead of the spiritual Nate.
This can’t happen!
This won’t happen!
TODAY I’m submitting my will to God again. TODAY I’m putting my trust in Him. TODAY I will do His will for me.
If feels so good just saying that. TODAY is going to be the best day yet.
But, then again, I wait anxiously for B’s email. I hope all the thought and prayer and time I put into the email is what she’s needing and looking for.
Ultimately I guess that anxiety is fearing man over fearing God. I feel I’m doing the best that I can today. I feel I’m submitting to Him. By doing that, everything else should fall into place.
I’m reading in Alma 9 right now, which I think is fitting for where I’m at. Alma is talking with the people of Ammoniah, who have rebelled after having knowledge and light.
These parts are talking to me:
19 For he will not suffer you that ye shall live in your iniquities, to destroy his people...Nay; he would rather suffer that the Lamanites might destroy all his people who are called the people of Nephi, if it were possible that they could fall into sins and transgressions, after having had so much light and so much knowledge given unto them of the Lord their God;
28 Therefore, prepare ye the way of the Lord, for the time is at hand that all men shall reap a reward of their works, according to that which they have been—if they have been righteous they shall reap the salvation of their souls, according to the power and deliverance of Jesus Christ; and if they have been evil they shall reap the damnation of their souls, according to the power and captivation of the devil.
What’s interesting is that when Alma tells the people of their lost and fallen state, when he tries to help them see where they are, what they have, and what they can potentially lose, instead of listening to his council, they get angry with him and want to cast him into prison.
This is EXACTLY how I was a year ago and for some time before that and some time after that. Hard-hearted, stiff-necked, resentful, angry, defensive, ADDICTED. Following Satan as opposed to following God.
Reminds me of the scripture, “Oh that cunning plan of the evil one.”
I’m grateful for Alma and his words to the people of Ammoniah.
I’ve been with those people.
But today I choose to stand with Alma and submit my will to God.