Contention – this is something that was prevalent when I was fully engaged in addictive actions.
What is contention?
What causes it?
Why does Satan want us to have contention in our home?
Why did the Savior warn about contention when he visited the people of Nephi?
What are things I can do to help eliminate contention in my home?
These are a few questions that come to mind.
When I went to LDS.org to look for a topic to study, ironically one of the featured articles was by Dallin H. Oaks titled “Loving Others and Living with Differences“. The title on the home page said “Need to Eliminate Contention? Love Can Fix It.”
“There shall be no disputations among you, as there have hitherto been; neither shall there be disputations among you concerning the points of my doctrine, as there have hitherto been.
“For verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another.
“Behold, this is … my doctrine, that such things should be done away” (3 Nephi 11:28–30; emphasis added).
The devil is the father of contention. He thrives on anger and resentment. Who am I choosing to serve when I let down my guard and get angry with Caleb or the kids?
Even those who keep the commandments must not stir up the hearts of men to contend with anger. The “father of contention” is the devil; the Savior is the Prince of Peace.
I think its interesting how the word “stir up” is used, many times in the Book of Mormon, as a way that apostate Nephites would “stir up the Lamanites to anger against the Nephites.” And then they’d go to war and nothing would ever turn out right.
How Should I Deal with Others Who Believe Differently Than I Do?
Like the Savior, His followers are sometimes confronted by sinful behavior, and today when they hold out for right and wrong as they understand it, they are sometimes called “bigots” or “fanatics.” Many worldly values and practices pose such challenges to Latter-day Saints. Prominent among these today is the strong tide that is legalizing same-sex marriage in many states and provinces in the United States and Canada and many other countries in the world. We also live among some who don’t believe in marriage at all. Some don’t believe in having children. Some oppose any restrictions on pornography or dangerous drugs. Another example—familiar to most believers—is the challenge of living with a nonbelieving spouse or family member or associating with nonbelieving fellow workers.
I feel this is speaking right to me. First off, I’m never in a place to judge based on where I’ve been.
Second, the only thing the Savior asks of me is to surrender my will to Him, keep His commandments, and love my neighbor/family member/parent as myself.
It’s sometimes hard for me to be around Mandy. I love her and want the best for her, but I rarely understand where she’s coming from and often want to challenge her decisions and beliefs. However, all I can do is love her and be an example.
What I don’t want to do is focus on who’s right and who’s wrong because ultimately it’s not about that. If I fall into that trap, I’m letting my pride influence my feelings, and this is not right either.
On the subject of public discourse, we should all follow the gospel teachings to love our neighbor and avoid contention. Followers of Christ should be examples of civility. We should love all people, be good listeners, and show concern for their sincere beliefs. Though we may disagree, we should not be disagreeable. Our stands and communications on controversial topics should not be contentious.
I want to handle things in a Christlike way. I want to be helpful. But the answer I keep getting in my mind is, “It’s not your project to fix – let it go.”
So, that’s what I’ll do.
In regard to my parents, I do feel grateful we believe the same things. I do feel grateful they are trying to be good examples by serving in the temple. I just don’t always like how they criticize, shame, blame, and bring a feeling of contention into our home or wherever they are. I feel the best thing I can do with those feelings is pray about them, take a stand when I feel them coming around, and try to live my life so that my family doesn’t fall into those same tendencies.
Being aware of their attitudes is helpful.
I like this statement too, about contention in the home:
The most important setting to forgo contention and practice respect for differences is in our homes and family relationships.
What causes contention in our home?
I think there could be a lot of factors. Here are some that come to mind:
- Disobedience
- Whining
- Being tired
- Not being willing to share
- Wanting to do things our own way
- Not being willing to listen or understand the other’s perspective
The more we have contention in our home, the more each of us doesn’t really want to be together. This is ideal for Satan: if we’re on our own, he has more power over us; if we’re united and working together, it’s harder for him to break in and stir things up.
What are things I can do to help eliminate contention in my home?
There are probably some easy answers and then there are others I need to think about more. First the easy ones:
- Go to bed early
- Get adequate rest
- Work hard and play hard
- Listen, listen, listen before I react (be an agent, not an object)
- Try to understand my family’s perspective before I try to control or impose my own will
- Pray when I feel anger or resentment coming on
- Live each day like it’s my last
- Be aware of my addictive behaviors – anger and contention being key components
I feel the more I work on not starting contention, not blaming others, not shaming others, the more the kids will see what I’m doing and want to be like that. Caleb especially gets his anger and attitude from me. As I strive to submit my will to God and be positive, that action will rub off on him, and his actions often times rub off on the rest of the kids directly.
I’m grateful for the Savior’s teaching of loving others.
I love my family. They are the most important part of my life. The last place I should ever want to have contention is in the home.
I’m grateful for this study.
I’m grateful to be in recovery today.
I’m grateful for the gospel in my life.
I’m grateful to have the desires to submit my life to God today.
I look forward to no contention this evening with the kids.
Hasta manana (which is Saturday – I will read and study – hopefully early in the moring).
Nate
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