Living in Recovery Today

Today is a new day.

I woke up really early this morning – 5:40 a.m. – to get some work done and submitted to my developer.

It’s felt good to get up early, but I feel like I’ll need to take a nap later today.

Last night was tough for a few reasons:

1. Something was off with Becky and I. I could feel that she was detached and having a hard time. I ask her what was wrong and she said nothing, but I could totally tell something was up. I was in bed by about 10:30 or so and she stayed up to write in her journal. When she came to bed, she was really tired so we said a prayer and went to bed. However, it was really worrying me that I’d done something to trigger these feelings so I asked her to share her U’s. She shared that our friend had joked about his sister-in-law and her husband, who are getting a divorce. He apparently has a boyfriend and our friend said something like, “That’s fine – have a family and then have a girlfriend on the side…” Naturally, that’s going to cause some bad feelings. I wasn’t there to hear him say this and am glad I wasn’t. I was glad Becky shared with me.
2. Tyson is a bit sick and was coughing off and on all night. We brought him in to eat and that seemed to help him some, but both Beck and I were awake or up a few times during the night
3. I have a lot of things to do today, many of which are small mundane things.
4. I’m frustrated with FS and how they don’t seem to be caring much to get my projects done. This lack of caring or dedicating time seems to be causing me to not want to follow up much with clients or contact new leads. I don’t know how to handle this best.
5. I’m not sure what to do with one of my sponsees. I’ve emailed Mark and he recommends having the sponsee start over completely since he’s come really close to acting out a couple different times. What “coming really close” actually means is a bit odd to me – if I’m really close I’m already acting out in my mind, which, to me, isn’t living in recovery. I want to help this sponsee and want him to continue to make progress, but at some point I’m doing both of us a disservice.
6. I have a lot of un-finished items with HS that I need to get done. I also need to get paid out for some of the work we’ve been doing.

So, those are some things on my mind.

It feels so good to write these things out.

I really like this quote about living one day at a time and thinking about and writing out my feelings – the details of my life:

Thinking of our daily bread keeps us aware of the details of our lives, of the significance of the small things that occupy our days. Experience teaches that in a marriage, for example, a steady stream of simple kindnesses, help, and attention do much more to keep love alive and nurture a relationship than an occasional grand or expensive gesture.

This quote also sticks out:

In reality, there aren’t many things in a day that are totally without significance. Even the mundane and repetitious can be tiny but significant building blocks that in time establish the discipline and character and order needed to realize our plans and dreams. Therefore, as you ask in prayer for your daily bread, consider thoughtfully your needs—both what you may lack and what you must protect against. As you retire to bed, think about the successes and failures of the day and what will make the next day a little better. And thank your Heavenly Father for the manna He has placed along your path that sustained you through the day. Your reflections will increase your faith in Him as you see His hand helping you to endure some things and to change others. You will be able to rejoice in one more day, one more step toward eternal life.

I think this one really stuck out because I had just written earlier: “I have a lot of things to do today, many of which are small mundane things.”

As the talk states, “Even the mundane and repetitious can be tiny but significant building blocks that in time establish the discipline and character and order needed to realize our plans and dreams.”

So what can I learn from the mundane things I have to do today?

• By getting them done, I am closer to checking things off my list
• Some of the mundane projects are actually billed hourly so they are worth doing
• The more I can assign some of the mundane stuff out to Harman and others, the more I can do what I really want to be doing – building the business through sales and business relationships
• This type of writing and reflection isn’t mundane at all – its essential to living in recovery today
• I’ve learned through this security upgrade project that my clients actually trust me and that there are services I can offer that they are willing to pay for
  • Video tutorials
  • Image updates
  • Photography updates
  • Consulting work
  • Local SEO work
  • eBooks
  • Webinars
  • Website updates

I’m grateful that I’ve taken time this morning to write out my feelings and reflect on the mundane items I have to get done today.

I look forward to a day in recovery.

I look forward to helping Becky feel trust and security today.

I look forward to connecting with my sponsor today and helping my sponsee as much as I can to live in recovery one day at a time.

Hasta luego!

Nate

UPDATE

Today has been harder than I expected. Luckily not hard in the addiction arena, but I’ve just felt alone, isolated and down. As I mentioned earlier, Becky had a hard night last night due in part to something our neighbor said about extramarital affairs and how that’s just normal or something. She told me vaguely about that last night, which helped me understand what she was feeling.

But this morning things were still bad. I tried to ask her what was wrong and she said nothing, but I know her.

She seemed so distant, so detached. I ask her if I had done something to trigger these feelings and she said I hadn’t. But that just left me feeling even more unsure of what was going on.

I don’t want to feel self-pity.

I don’t want to feel anger and resentment.

I don’t want to feel lonely and afraid.

I don’t want to feel frustrated and unsure.

But I do. I feel all these things right now.

I feel like I’m trying to be my best self and trying to submit to God.

I feel I’m trying to live in recovery.

I feel that this is a boundary I have to set – if Becky is going to detach and not talk and have these feelings without talking about them, even if they’re hard, I’m going to do my work at a remote location so I don’t have to worry about it until she is ready to talk.

I realize I’ve brought all these feelings on. I take responsibility for my poor decisions. I want to make things right and earn back the trust that I’ve lost.

I realize, as I write this, that I can’t really expect anything. I have to be patient and know that the trauma and pain will come back from time to time; I just need to endure it well and be grateful that I have my family today.

Self-pity is defined as a feeling of pity for yourself because you believe you have suffered more than is fair or reasonable.

I don’t want to feel these feelings.

I do feel writing them out helped: we had dinner (me and the kids) and I didn’t overreact at all.

I feel grateful to have a family and to still be married to Becky. She had every right to leave me and move on, but she didn’t.

I’m grateful for my healthy children. I’m grateful they are smart and talented and have desires to do what’s right. I hope that my addictive behaviors haven’t influenced them too much in the negative direction.

I’m grateful for the career I have that allows me to pursue my entrepreneurial dreams, make money for my family, and learn more about patience, persistence and hard work.

I look forward to talking to Becky later today and pray that I will be free of any resentment or anger or blaming.

I’m glad I took some time to write and reflect on where I am right now.

I look forward to living in the moment and taking things one step at a time.

Hasta luego.

Nate