I started out with a prayer this morning asking Heavenly Father to help me be completely honest with where I am today in recovery.
What’s on my mind?
Do I have any “U’s” that I need to write about?
Are there any expectations that I have for myself or for others that I need to let go of?
What is my part?
I’m going to start by making a list of things that I feel are on my mind. Then I’ll break each of them down as I can:
- The Red Zone mobile project
- The Health Sciences project
- The DEP project
- the whole month of July for work
- the month of August for work
- going to the reservoir
- Becky getting mad at me for trying to be honest with about how I felt about being there
- feeling like Becky didn’t even miss us or care about how the camp out went when we got back
- wishing I would have been more aware about that movie and shut it off or changed it
- wondering why Harman isn’t being honest with me about how long some smaller projects take
- continuing to get mad at Caleb
- wondering if I need to focus more on not shaming him
- feeling sort of bad that the kids don’t ask to talk with me ever about there feelings
- worry about how things are going to go in Door County as I think about how it went last year
- worry about how I’ll be treated by the rest of the family who knows about my terrible choices in the past
- hoping that the back yard turns out how we expect it to turn out
- worry about my foot and why it still hurts so bad
- worry about my back and how it never seems to get better from aching
- wanting to be close to Becky but also not wanting to have any expectations
- Absolute work
- Karen P work
- Finalizing Legends
- Getting more business
- Getting all proposals done before I leave for Wisconsin
- Hoping that the van is ok
So, there’s a complete wash out of all the things I’m thinking about or worried about.
It helps just to write them all out on “paper.”
It helps to realize that I can only do what I can do.
It helps to feel that I’m doing my best.
I got distracted a bit in my study trying to figure out how to create the anchor links from my list to the topics I want to write about more…
I feel stressed mostly with work. I feel I’m on such a good momentum right now and that going to Wisconsin for so long is going to throw me for a loop. I love going and I love the fun time, but I don’t want to be stressed there the whole time either.
How Becky handled the reservoir thing really isn’t my boat to row. I will continue to try to be honest and upfront with her about what I’m feeling and when I’m feeling it. Going to the reservoir honestly wasn’t a terrible, terrible thing. I was far enough away from everyone that I didn’t feel any triggers really. When I felt there was something tempting, I repeated Mosiah 4:30 and asked Heavenly Father to help me. He did. So ultimately, I just want to be aware of the situation and not put myself in those places very often, if at all.
The U stuff is tricky: I have Devin working on most of it and he has a full-time job. This work really isn’t his priority and he doesn’t seem to feel any push to get it done promptly. I need to find an alternative solution – someone that’s really good at coding that can help me get the projects done that are bigger.
The expectations is something I need to be aware of too. In the SA book it talks about confusing connection hunger to my wife or others with God-hunger. I believe this. I want to study more consistently and put study and connection with God at the top of my priority list every day – no matter what else I have planned that day. If I’m going to play ball early, I should get up earlier to study. If I have BNI, I should study before that.
I want to do this.
Is this a Super Ego thing? Maybe. So I want to and I hope to and I will ask Heavenly Father to help me actually DO this one day at a time. Today I’m batting 1 for 1 for the most part. (I did figure out how to do the anchor stuff too so that’s good. 🙂 )
Getting mad at Caleb and the other kids…I feel this is one of the character weaknesses I have to surrender to God just like my issues with lust and all tied to that. Shaming Caleb and the kids is something I’ve grown up with. I sometimes don’t even realize I’m doing it.
But today I don’t want to do that. Today I want to live in recovery from shame and blame and discontent. Today is day 1 in recovery from that! I know if I treat it like the other addictions I have been surrendering, it will help the recovery process.
Now some study time…
I want to write out the scripture that I was repeating yesterday:
But this much I can tell you; that if ye do not watch yourself, and your thoughts and your words and your deeds, and observe the commandments of God, and continue in the faith of what ye have heard concerning the coming of our Lord, even unto the end of your life, ye must perish. And now, O man, remember and perish not. (Mosiah 4:30)
This is a great scripture. This scripture says it all about recovery from addiction. I have to continually watch myself: my thoughts, my words, my deeds, and observe the commandments of God.
If I do this, I will be protected from the power of the destroyer. If I don’t, “[I] must perish.” It’s really that simple.
I’m grateful for the time I’ve made this morning to write things out, to think about where I am, and to surrender my will to God’s. Do I have all the answers on how I’m going to deal with these things? Not really. But I’m aware of them and am willing to do what God suggests.
I look forward to a day in recovery today.
Today seemed pretty difficult: the kids were a bit crazy at Church, I’m not sure where I stand with Becky today, and I feel really stressed about the upcoming days.
I know I should only be thinking about today, but it’s hard when I feel that Becky is stressed about the upcoming trip as well.
I didn’t have the best day with Caleb either. He was talking during church and laughing at Jayden, which made me upset. I shamed him and wasn’t patient and it just didn’t go well.
Later in the day, when I saw him between classes, I pulled him aside and apologized.
I feel bad for how it went with him today.
I feel like Becky was far from me today too. She shared her journal with me earlier and I shared mine with her. I don’t know if what I shared didn’t go over good with her or what, but what I shared was how I really felt.
I’m trying to live in recovery today. I feel I was safe in the addictive behaviors today and safe in the addictive actions today as well.
I am now going to read a bit more from the SA book while Becky goes over Step 5 with her sponsor.