Today is a new day in recovery.
Today is a day I can submit my will to God.
Honestly, though, it’s been really hard this trip: not hard regarding my addiction or addictive behaviors or actions, but hard in the fact that I feel so guilty, so lonely, so bad for what I’ve done to my best friend.
It’s interesting because last year I don’t remember feeling this that much. Maybe it’s because it was too new or I was still in the hiding phase of my addiction. But this year I don’t feel like I can really even talk to my in-laws without feeling like I’m a terrible person.
I want to talk to them, but I don’t know what’s even appropriate to say.
With Becky, I feel like we are trying to connect, but I don’t know how she’s feeling really. We’ve sort of done the AEIOU’s but it’s been late and last night we didn’t get to do them. I don’t feel that she’s disconnecting with me, but I do feel it’s awkward at times for whatever reason.
I think one of the reasons it’s more difficult here is the fact that I remember how it felt last year: the Farm, PC Junction, The White Gull Inn, the beach – all these places were really tough, and I remember feeling so alone and isolated. It just makes me feel sick to my stomach that I could have been so stupid and selfish to have ever done the terrible things I did.
I’m grateful that today, I don’t want to be that person that I was.
I’m grateful that today, I want to be living in recovery.
I’m grateful that today, I want to be true to myself, to God, and to Becky.
I’m grateful that today, I want to surrender these feelings to God and have Him help me work through them.
I’m grateful that today, the first thing I wanted to do when I got up was to write out my feelings and think about where I am and what I can do to surrender.
I love Becky so much. As I sat around the table last night after eating at the White Gull, I felt so lucky that Becky and her family still love me and still want to make me feel welcome. They have every right not to. But I feel like they are trying even though I’m sure there are many mixed feelings.
I looked up vulnerability on LDS.org and found a talk I was familiar with – Personal Strength Through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.
This talk has been a key tool in my recovery: it talks about the Ammonite men who buried their weapons of war. These men were in recovery from addiction, addiction to killing and to power. They had decided that once they had become converted to the gospel of Jesus Christ, they had to have a “new normal.” Elder Scott shares this valuable insight:
It is a fundamental truth that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ we can be cleansed. We can become virtuous and pure. However, sometimes our poor choices leave us with long-term consequences. One of the vital steps to complete repentance is to bear the short- and long-term consequences of our past sins. Their past choices had exposed these Ammonite fathers to a carnal appetite that could again become a point of vulnerability that Satan would attempt to exploit.
Satan will try to use our memory of any previous guilt to lure us back into his influence. We must be ever vigilant to avoid his enticements. Such was the case of the faithful Ammonite fathers. Even after their years of faithful living, it was imperative for them to protect themselves spiritually from any attraction to the memory of past sins.
I love this quote. The key for them, and for me, is to protect [myself] spiritually from any attraction to the memory of past sins.
How can I do this?
What needs to be done?
One of the ways is to make sure that writing is a key part of my day. Writing and studying and reflecting on my feelings is so key to recovery for me. I can’t hide my feelings; I need to share them and express them and surrender them to Him.
Saying a prayer in the moment of temptation is also key. Temptation can come in many forms, but the ones I feel most here are getting down on myself, self-pity, and “Satan [using my] memory of any previous guilt to lure [me] back into his influence.”
I feel like another temptation here can be lust. I’m not actively looking for anything, but I feel temptation is all around – at the swimming pool, at the beach, around town. These are areas of vulnerability that I have to be conscious of and aware of. When I recognize these vulnerabilities, I need to immediately surrender them.
I feel I’ve done well with these temptations but I need to “…be ever vigilant to avoid his enticements.”
I really like this quote too:
These Ammonite fathers were much the same. They needed taller and wider fortifications between their faithful lives and the unrighteous behavior of their past. Their sons, who were blessed with righteous traditions, were not as vulnerable to the same temptations. They were able to defend their families faithfully without compromising their spiritual well-being.
I’m grateful for the study today.
I’m grateful for the time I took to write and read and think.
I look forward to a day in recovery today.
I look forward to connecting with Becky and with God today.
I look forward to being patient and loving with my kids today.
I look forward to taking opportunities to talk with my family today and apologize to each of them if the time is right.
I look forward to feeling the Spirit today – it’s comfort and peace and assurance that I’m trying to do what Heavenly Father wants me to do.
Hasta luego!
Nate
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