Sponsorship has been a huge blessing in my life. My sponsorship started with Jason, who was great and helped me feel more what recovery from addiction was like. As I think back, I realize he had intentions to help me more, but I was too prideful and didn’t keep my commitments.
I am grateful to have been introduced to the ARPSupport.org program – a program with structure, accountability, and much success in helping others surrender to God.
I am grateful for my sponsor, Brandon. He helped hold me accountable and helped me move into a “new normal.”
Since being a sponsor, I’ve learned through the trial and error approach, how to best help the sponsee start feeling what it’s like to be in recovery. I’ve learned that writing is a big indicator of where someone is in recovery – at least this in my perception. If a person can write about their feelings and emotions, I feel this is a good indication that they want to surrender and want to be connected to God.
I’ve recently had to drop a sponsee, a good friend who’s in my Thursday group. I had to drop him because he didn’t keep his commitments to send me step work and journal work at the start and at the end of each day.
At times, I’ve felt that these rules were a bit rigid or harsh; I’ve felt that the head of the program was too demanding maybe. But, as I was dealing with my emotions yesterday before I sent the email to my sponsee who I had to drop, I found this story that I felt was a perfect answer to what I was troubled about:
A young boy found a cocoon lying on the ground. As he got down on his hands and knees, he saw something inside moving around. As a curious boy, he patiently watched the moth struggle to make its way out of the cocoon. He saw how much the moth was struggling and felt sympathy for it.
In his sympathy and with a desire to help, he reached down and tore open the cocoon to free the moth from its struggle. The moth stretched out its wings and took flight. The boy was excited about what he’d done to help free the moth.
He watched as the moth flew away into the sunlight. It flew higher and higher and then, all of a sudden, its wings stopped moving and it fell to the ground dead. The boy was so troubled – what had happened?
He shared his experience with a wise friend, seeking answers on why the moth wasn’t able to survive. His friend explained that, in his attempt to free the moth from its struggle, the boy actually harmed it. The moth’s journey had been interrupted prematurely! The wise friend explained that the strength the moth needed to fly could only be developed by its efforts to free itself from its own cocoon.
To me, this made sense and helped me understand why the rules for the program are there – to help us create a “new normal,” to help us do things different, and to help us commit completely to living in recovery one day and one moment at a time.
I’ve learned that Mark, who has 25+ years in recovery, knows what it takes to recover. He’s seen what recovery really looks like. He’s told me a few different times that sometimes, letting a sponsee go and having them start anew can be the best thing for them.
The thought that came to my mind was that there are “no exceptions to the rules of recovery.”
I am sad to let this sponsee go, and I’m nervous about how it will affect our relationship, but I feel I’ve done the right thing.
As I’ve thought about this yesterday and today, I wanted to put together a few specific things I like to share with sponsees, things that have helped me live in recovery today.
3 Recovery Concepts that Have Helped Me
1. The “New Normal”
2. Burying my “weapons of war”
3. Practicing the “Chin Up” approach to surrender
The “new normal” is a phrase I got when I went to the UCAP conference in Salt Lake a few months ago. Elizabeth Smart spoke about her experience and how hard it was to come back after going through all that she went through.
She talked about how she wanted things to just go back to “normal” when she got home. But she quickly realized that there had to be a “new normal.” She had learned and experienced a lot of hard things that had influenced the way she thought and dealt with life. If she wanted to be able to live a happy and productive and God-centered life moving forward, she had to do some things differently.
I felt this was very applicable to my situation too. I have to live a “new normal.” How I cope with stress, anxiety, depressive situations, fear, anger, resentment, and other character weaknesses can’t be staying up late, playing video games, browsing the internet, or going through social media profiles to attempt to connect.
Instead, I have to ask God what He wants me to do to live in recovery in the moment and then live that “new normal” the best I can.
The “weapons of war” is in regard to this talk: Personal Strength Through the Atonement of Jesus Christ
What are your “weapons of war?” Here’s what some of mine are:
- I’ve blocked the following sites and only use them on rare occasions with permission from my Spiritual Nate and Becky:
- Youtube
- Instagram (never)
- I’ve installed Covenant Eyes willingly and like the protection it gives me and the trust it helps build with Becky
- I’ve eliminated critical thinking about Becky completely – I’m just happy that she’s still with me and has given me one last chance after all the HELL I’ve put her through
- I flee from thoughts about what’s in it for me or when am I going to get what’s due to me: these are selfish thoughts and do me no good – EVER
- I’m committed to not staying up late; instead, Becky and I have a good routine where we read together, talk about the AEIOUY’s and connect emotionally
- Cell phone usage: I’ve eliminated all games on my phone and am working hard to limit my phone usage, especially at night.
The “Chin Up” approach is a concept I learned when I first started the recovery program back in 2007. My facilitator at the time, Greg, would share how he practiced looking at everyone from the chin up. Not only did this help him avoid lustful thoughts, but it also helped him understand that all people are sons and daughters of God and He loves them no matter what.
He shared how he would say prayers all the time as he was tempted to look at someone from the chin down.
I remember thinking, “That would be really cool if I could do that, but that’s really not that possible…” I even tried for a bit, but quickly gave in to my carnal self.
This time has been different. In my recovery today, I’ve focused on this concept probably more than anything else. Praying in the moment of temptation, praying for help from God to keep me safe. Asking for help to surrender my natural man tendencies to Him. And He’s always there to help.
I shared this yesterday with one of my sponsees:
I feel similarly about humility and get nervous that I’m comparing myself to others or putting myself on a pedestal. One way I’m trying to deal with those feelings is by writing about all that I’m grateful for, all that I feel Heavenly Father is doing to help me in my recovery. Gratitude is the opposite of pride.
I’m so grateful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ and how it’s helping me heal as I use it on a daily basis.
I’m grateful for Jesus Christ and how He’s willing to lighten the load as I let Him.
I’m grateful for the plan of happiness. What a wonderful blessing it is to have a road map to follow.
I’m extremely grateful for my wife, my best friend, and my love. I’m grateful she’s still with me and still willing to love me despite my terrible choices.
I’m grateful for the 12 step program. I’m grateful for the concepts it teaches to help me apply the Atonement in my life one day at a time.
I’m grateful for sponsorship. I’m grateful to have a sponsor and to be a sponsor.
I’m grateful for my children. I realize more today than ever how important and essential it is to be a father and learn what it feels like to love my children and be patient with them. I can’t imagine how Heavenly Father feels when He sees me deliberately rebel and disobey.
I’m grateful for my temporal blessings.
I’m grateful for writing and for recovery.
I’m grateful for my friends in recovery.
Hasta luego!
Nate
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