Both yesterday and today, I’ve really felt a disconnect with Becky.
I’m not 100% sure what is going wrong. But I wanted to write and study today to find answers on how I can best deal with the situation.
The first thing that comes to mind is that I must first connect with God. It reminds me of a picture Becky drew when things were in a really bad place for us.
It looked like this:
(unfortunately, I looked everywhere and couldn’t find the image. I was sure I’d taken a picture of it but can’t find it on my computer…)
The point of the picture she drew was “Who am I looking to first in my life?” Is it her or is it God?
The correct answer should be that I’m looking to connect with God first, and as I strive to connect with Him, all other things will fall into their proper place or fall out of my life.
She drew two pictures of the two of us: one with her looking to God and me looking at her and the other with us both looking to God (this was before there was any recovery on my part or hers).
As I think about this picture now, it is spot on. I must look to God first in all things, both spiritual and temporal.
In the topical guide on LDS.org, I looked up connect with God and found one reference that was interesting: Power
The ability to do something. To have power over someone or something is to have the ability to control or command that person or thing. In the scriptures, power is often connected with the power of God or the power of heaven. It is often closely related to priesthood authority, which is the permission or right to act for God.
In this case, I don’t feel I’m looking for the power over someone or something, although maybe that power could be referring to the power over Satan. I don’t want to control or command anyone but myself. But as I look to God and connect with Him, He will give me power to do all things.
The power is connected with looking to God.
I wrote all that yesterday morning but didn’t get to finish up, so I’ll do that today.
Last night, when Becky and I did our AEIOU’s, things came out a bit more about how she’s feeling and why there’s been such a disconnect. I’ll try to summarize:
- She doesn’t feel safe with me right now
- She feels I’m displaying addict behaviors
- She feels I’m full of pride
- She feels I’m frozen with many things: work, helping around the house, etc.
- She feels I’m snippy with the kids and I’m pushing back on everything they do
- She feels I’m on my phone way too much
- She feels the same way she felt when things were really bad – that I’m there but not present
- She feels like disconnecting is the only way to help her feel safe
- She feels that I haven’t made any efforts to fix the problem in the relationship with my parents
- She feels like I’m waiting for her to tell me what to do
- She feels like I’m looking to her instead of looking to God
- She feels my journal writing is all about why I’m right and others are wrong – trying to prove that I’m a good person or something
- She feels all this has been going on for quite some time
There may be a few more things, but those are the ones that come to mind.
The only thing I really shared last night was that I had felt disconnected from her for a few days and that, if she has had these U’s for quite some time, why she hadn’t shared them earlier so we could talk through them.
I also shared, at the end, that I appreciated her sharing her feelings, I didn’t agree with all of them, but that I needed time to process what she’d said and think threw things.
Of the things she shared, the one I don’t think is correct at all is that I’m frozen at work. Yes, I’ve been doing different things lately in a effort to do what I’m getting paid to do; I haven’t been selling as much, but I have been doing discovery. And I have been working on fulfillment: WHG, ALM, U of U, NWOUT, PHG, etc. I’m not sure what else I can be doing in this area of life right now. I feel I’m truly trying to establish systems and figure out who is going to do what.
In regard to being frozen in other things, I may be more that way due to fear: fear of failing (like with the flooring upstairs), fear of not knowing what she needs the most help with, etc.
If I were to share my U’s with her, I would try to share that I am really feeling the stress she’s putting on herself with all the to-do lists and everything else for the holidays. This stress and pressure seems to be a trigger for me: I don’t know what to do, I don’t know if she’s mad at me (which she has been it appears), and I get on edge.
What I don’t want to do is push things back on her. It’s not her fault. I need to row my own boat.
Another U is that I feel her U’s are almost a list of the reasons why I’m wrong or all the bad things she feels I’m doing. I don’t remember exactly how the U’s were supposed to be done, but what I do remember is that U’s should be about MY feelings. For example, “When this happens, I feel afraid.” Not, “You do this and that and the other. You are terrible. You make me do this…”
With the journal writing, I want to be aware of that. I don’t intend to write like that and want to think about what I can do. This is why I got a sponsor recently. This is why I’m writing today. I want to focus on what I can do to recover; not on what others should be doing or aren’t doing or whatever.
As far as pride, I also want to be aware of this. I do feel some pride I think. I’m not sure why. It could be related to my study and connection with God. I feel I’ve wanted to connect and have good study, but I haven’t made the necessary time to do so – I’ve pushed it off and then done other things I felt were more important at the time. This can NEVER be the case.
No other success can compensate for failure in the home (and in recovery).
Regarding my phone, I’m not aware of this either. I would like to make a hard rule that I get off my phone when I get done with work – that I plug it in and let it go. This is harder than it sounds though. Sometimes, there are things that need to be taken care of with Harman or my other developers. Sometimes communication has to happen. One solution I’ve thought of for this, though, is to start going to be a lot earlier and then getting up each morning earlier. I can then communicate with them early and not have to be on my phone later at night.
I am really grateful for what she shared even though it wasn’t easy to hear.
I’d rather know what she’s feeling and why there is such a disconnect than have to guess or literally feel frozen and now know what to do.
I want today to be a day in recovery. I want to be proactive and get things done.
I feel good about getting up this morning to write out my feelings.
If I think about my parents and the solution to that problem, I don’t know what it really is. I looked back at the study I was doing yesterday, and this answer came to mind:
Work through large problems in small, daily bites.
Asking God for our daily bread, rather than our weekly, monthly, or yearly bread, is also a way to focus us on the smaller, more manageable bits of a problem. To deal with something very big, we may need to work at it in small, daily bites. Sometimes all we can handle is one day (or even just part of one day) at a time.
As you ask in prayer for your daily bread, consider thoughtfully your needs—both what you may lack and what you must protect against. As you retire to bed, think about the successes and failures of the day and what will make the next day a little better. And thank your Heavenly Father for the manna He has placed along your path that sustained you through the day. Your reflections will increase your faith in Him as you see His hand helping you to endure some things and to change others. You will be able to rejoice in one more day, one more step toward eternal life.
I feel like this happened yesterday: we talked with Mom about the schedule for the upcoming Christmas festivities, and I was direct, straight forward, and didn’t minimize or let her push me around. I felt I was respectful but also aware of all of our feelings.
I will continue to pray for answers regarding that situation.
I don’t know when a big solution will ever come, or if that’s even a possibility. I just know that it’s a tough situation and one that I can only handle today.
And finally, this thought:
“And Jesus said unto them, I am the bread of life: he that cometh to me shall never hunger; and he that believeth on me shall never thirst. …
“Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that believeth on me hath everlasting life.
“I am that bread of life” (John 6:35, 47–48).
Coming to Christ: this is something I must focus on one day at a time. Believing Christ is another. Trusting in Him, relying on Him; asking for His help in ALL things.
One day at a time.