Becky and I had a good talk last night. She shared her journal with me, which was so helpful to understand what she was feeling, why things were so tough, and what my part was in the the trauma triggers.
I was so grateful she shared it.
It really helped me look in the mirror, assess where I am, and reflect on how I can continue to refine and refocus on my recovery one day at a time.
I went to the LDS meeting last night and, either I was a bit off because of the feelings I was having about Becky and my situation, or I felt off because I shared 2nd – not of my choosing, or possibly it’s hard sometimes when I hear things that just don’t seem to jive with what I feel recovery really is (ie. relapse is part of recovery) – it just didn’t feel 100% great.
I did have a good talk with Sean afterward and also, prior to the meeting, got to talk with my sponsor and share the feelings I was having, explain what happened over the weekend, and ask for input and feedback. That felt good to surrender too.
And, today, I’m choosing to live in recovery.
I’ve really liked listening to the talk by President Uchtdorf titled “Lord, is it I?”
In these simple words, “Lord, is it I?” lies the beginning of wisdom and the pathway to personal conversion and lasting change.
Asking “Lord, is it I” is all about humility.
Humility is meekness and lowliness of heart.
Humility is gratitude.
Humility is recognizing God’s hand in EVERYTHING. Everything I have is only leased to me – none of it is mine except my agency.
To be humble is to recognize gratefully our dependence on the Lord—to understand that we have constant need for His support. Humility is an acknowledgment that our talents and abilities are gifts from God. It is not a sign of weakness, timidity, or fear; it is an indication that we know where our true strength lies. We can be both humble and fearless. We can be both humble and courageous.
I really like this scripture reference (John 5:30):
This is Christ speaking. I can do nothing on my own. I can only seek the will of the Father which has sent me.
When I think about recovery and healing, sometimes the tendency is to think, “Well, if I do this, and this, and that, THEN I’ll be recovered…” But that’s not the case. That’s my Super Ego thinking that I can control everything. Yes, I have to seek to do His will and be obedient, but ultimately I have to turn my life and my will over to Him and let Him help me do what I can’t do on my own.
How am I doing in this regard?
How can I measure my level of humility?
Or is that even necessary – are there different levels of humility?
This scripture passage is helpful:
10 aHumble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up.
I cross-referenced “submit” and found these scriptures and answers:
- D&C 11:20 – my work is to keep the commandments with all my might, mind, and strength.
- 2 Nephi 10:24 – reconcile myself to the will of God, and not to the will of the devil and the flesh…it is only in and through the grace of God that ye are saved.
- 2 Nephi 25:23 -believe in Christ, and to be reconciled to God; for we know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do.
I’ve written a few times about “submitting my will to God.” I think it’s a tough concept and one that may not get touched on a lot in general meetings at Church.
Elder Maxwell said this about submitting one’s will to God:
The submission of one’s will is really the only uniquely personal thing we have to place on God’s altar. It is a hard doctrine, but it is true. The many other things we give to God, however nice that may be of us, are actually things He has already given us, and He has loaned them to us. But when we begin to submit ourselves by letting our wills be swallowed up in God’s will, then we are really giving something to Him” (“Insights from My Life,” Ensign, Aug. 2000, 9).
This statement from Step 3 rings clear too:
…the truth that recovery was far more the result of the Lord’s efforts than our own. He worked the miracle when we invited Him into our lives.
Am I inviting the Lord into my life? If so, how? If not, what more can I do?
I feel the best way I can invite Him in is by making time to write, reflect and sincerely pray. I can also take time to listen – both to Him and for Him, and also listen to Becky and my kids and other important voices (like the prophets and apostles).
The good news is, I want to do this – I don’t feel compelled to.
What does being reconciled really mean?
restore friendly relations between.
I like what this scripture says too:
“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
“Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
“For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light” (Matthew11:28–30).
Learn of me.
Come unto me.
I can learn of Him by studying His words. I can come unto Him by reaching out to Him in prayer and supplication.
I’m grateful for this study today.
I want to be humble. I want to be reconciled unto God. I want to be completely honest.
I look forward to a day in recovery and healing.