This morning has bee a good one.
Becky and I had a deep talk about how I’ve been off for the past couple weeks, and I feel like I’m recognizing some of the negative emotions I’m dealing with.
Scout Camp, both Timberline and the recent camp, have been hard for me. Not only have they thrown me off my routine, but, especially the recent Scout Camp, seemed to cause me to isolate and not connect with anyone, God included.
Getting out of a recovery routine is dangerous for me. That recovery routine includes personal prayer, writing, study, recognition of where I am in the present moment, creating momentum with work, sticking to a schedule, checking off tasks, and feeling connected to others.
I realize right now that at times I’m going to get off the routine for whatever reason. What I need to figure out is how I can most quickly get back into the routine and snap out of the funk I can get myself in.
What I Feel When I’m Out of the Daily Routine
I recognized today, in talking with my wife and with Rory, that I feel a few different things when I get out of my routine.
Why do I feel these feelings?
Fear comes because I realize that I’m behind. Fear comes because I realize that I can’t do all the things that need to get done. Fear comes when I realize if ____ doesn’t come through and do their part of the job, I can’t make up for that and don’t know what to do. Fear comes from my not knowing what to do next or being afraid to take the next steps towards something I’m unsure of.
Isolation – I feel – has been one of the core issues my entire life. Isolation triggers the fear to come. If I don’t feel I have someone who can help me or guide me or direct me, I tend to freeze. I haven’t learned very well that, in these situations, I can turn to God. He is there and wants to help me. In the past, though, I will turn to whoever I can to connect. If Becky’s not available or doesn’t have the time for me, I’ve reverted to other people to connect with – some of which have not been healthy at all. I don’t feel this is me today, but I want to be aware of the feeling and hopefully learn how to deal with it in other ways.
Anxiety, fear – they seem the same. Not sure about how to expound on this one more. I get anxious if I feel like things are out of my control and I don’t know what to do next. This is happening currently with the DEP projects I have coming. If D isn’t available, I’m screwed and can do nothing… I need to find some alternatives that I can rely on.
Loneliness and Isolation are similar too. I think I feel lonely because I work from home and don’t really have colleagues I can talk with or discuss projects with. FS used to be one of those connections, but they have slowly faded away it seems.
Incapable…this comes, I think, with running my own business. Although I feel I’ve been very successful, I often times feel like there’s more I could be doing, better systems, wanting to expand and grow and hire and hit bigger levels of success. I don’t know how to best handle this feeling other than taking things a day at a time, writing things out, and asking God what I can do next.
Behind – I definitely feel this, especially after being away and not being able to work. All I can do here is create my list and chip away at it, avoiding putting off the things I feel are the hardest.
Angry – I feel this only comes AFTER the other feelings, especially if I let those other feelings fester and don’t do anything positive with them. Anger, for me, is more a decision, just like resentment is a surface level feeling that is triggered by other deeper emotions.
Impatient is also a triggered feeling to me. I only get impatient when I’ve let other feelings build up. I then take out these feelings on the kids, especially Caleb. Today I’m working on not having this feeling.
Powerless – I think this is actually a good feeling to have: it can encourage me to reach out to God and others for help. Recognizing my own powerlessness is part of being humble and acknowledging that I don’t have things figured out.
Detached. I feel this is like loneliness and isolation. Not much more I can write about this.
I don’t have things figured out.
I need to rely on my Heavenly Father for guidance and direction.
I want to be my best self and run an effective business. I want to be honest in all of my dealings and deliver more than is expected.
All I can do is take things a day at a time and be grateful for what I’ve been given in this moment.
And with that, I’ll take another 24!