Another hard discussion with Becky last night has me feeling the affects this morning.
I went to play ball early today and that was good to get out and run a bit, but overall I didn’t feel great there either.
Our talk last night was really hard for a few reasons:
- I felt the pain Becky is feeling and was sick to my stomach
- She talked about our intimate life and how my expectations have been so far out of whack for so long
- I realize how selfish and thoughtless I’ve been, not only with Becky, but throughout my entire life
- I’m scared to death about the full disclosure and what that’s going to do to our marriage and relationship
I just feel sick right now.
I don’t want to do anything.
I want to just drive a long way a way and sit there.
I want to hide.
I want to stop the full disclosure process and not talk about it.
I feel really depressed and alone.
And another hard thing is then Becky comes in the office and wants to give me a hug. I don’t feel like that either. When she knows the real Nate she won’t want to ever do that.
I feel conflicted feelings as well about our intimate life, especially within the last year or so. The number that’s been floating around is 3-5 times per week. Just as I’ve talked about the “right vs. wrong” mentality, I need to surrender my feelings of wanting to be “right” because I don’t feel it’s been that way. I’m not complaining and don’t have any feelings about the matter, other than I have felt my expectations change, and I know that I’ve been afraid to ever want anything in relation to our physical relationship.
That’s the confusing part.
I know that, in my addict state, I had unrealistic expectations. But I don’t feel I’m that way now.
Anyway, not feeling great. Feeling stuck. Feeling alone. Dreading going home for the weekend. Dreading being around anyone today. Wanting to hide.
I’m going to read Alma Chapter 2.
As I read these first verses, it reminds me a lot of where things are today in the United States:
…for they knew that according to their law that such things must be established by the avoice of the people.
4 Therefore, if it were possible that Amlici should gain the voice of the people, he, being a wicked man, would adeprive them of their rights and privileges of the church; for it was his intent to destroy the church of God.
In our situation right now, even though the voice of the people has voted against certain things, like gay marriage, it seems like the minority groups have found loop-holes or let the courts and judges ultimately decide what the new laws are going to be.
I don’t know that it is the goal of the judges to “destroy the church of God,” but I do know that these new laws seem to be putting pressure on the rights and privileges of the church as a whole.
Ultimately, I feel all I can do in this situation is surrender the outcome to God.
This scripture reminds me of the battle with pornography and lust:
12 Therefore the people of the Nephites were aware of the intent of the Amlicites, and therefore they did prepare to meet them; yea, they did arm themselves with swords, and with cimeters, and with bows, and with arrows, and with stones, and with slings, and with all manner of aweapons of war, of every kind.
I feel the intent of the world, or at least the popular culture, is to lull us away into carnal security, thinking all is well. Having not watched TV for some time, if I ever do see it now all of those intentions seem to jump right out from the screen. The radio, and music, is the same way – if one really listens to the words of popular songs, they’re all about distraction, immorality, and serving Satan in one way or another.
Just like the people of the Nephites, all I can do is arm myself and those closest to me with the tools of recovery.
What are the Tools of Recovery?
For me, here’s a list of some of the “swords, and cimiters, and bows, and arrows, and stones, and slings, and all manner of weapons of war, of every kind” that I’m trying to use in my fight against my sexual addiction:
- Ongoing Surrender
- Writing out my thoughts in my journal
- Praying to God for help
- Talking with others on the phone and in person
- SA-Lifeline Meetings
- Local Meetings
- Online Meetings
- The White Book of SA
- Professional Therapy with a therapist who specializes in sexual addiction
- The Big Book of AA
- Step Into Action Books
- Other recovery literature
- What Can I Do About
- Love You, Hate the Porn
- What Can I Do About
- The Fellowship of Recovery
- Burying my weapons of war
- Avoiding social media
- Avoiding TV
- Avoiding popular music
- Avoiding browsing the internet
- Avoiding staying up after my wife goes to bed
- Nightly check-in with my wife
- 90-Day ARP Support Program
- LDS ARP Meetings
I’m grateful for these tools.
I’m grateful to feel like I’m honestly trying to use them.
I’m grateful to have taken some time to write out my feelings and thoughts. This, in conjunction with prayer, always helps.
I’ll continue to work on recovery throughout the day.