This is a question that was received from a sponsor regarding his sponsee. Although giving “advice” isn’t necessarily the best thing all the time, if it’s asked for, we can share our opinion based on our own experience. If you have questions that you’d like to discuss, please submit them here. Thanks for all your interaction in this group discussion.
I have a sponsee that I’m having a hard time getting to understand that he needs to work the steps and write things down.
I feel like I could just have a pre-recorded message for when he calls because it’s always the same thing, literally.
I’m not trying to row his boat, but he honestly doesn’t do anything to change his situation. He blames his wife for just about everything. In fact, I received a call today from him where he was saying that he couldn’t stand to be around his wife right now because “she won’t work on her recovery to help the relationship.”
I’m kind of at a loss as to what to do.
One of the things that I told him was that he’s caused a lot of pain and it will take a long time to make up for it, if it’s even possible.
It’s hard to see this happening when you know how to fix it.
If it were me, I would set some boundaries with him. (ie. “Talking about what your wife is or isn’t doing is Not. Your. Problem. Your problem is that you’re a sex addict and your wife doesn’t trust you at all. Period. So get over what she is or isn’t doing and work on YOUR recovery – you have a lot to be working on.”
That may be harsh but it’s true for me and my own situation.
I would say boundaries have been one of the most important things for recovery for me.
His wife will never feel safe if he continues to have expectations for her to work her own recovery.
I think we as addicts don’t even realize that we are lying to ourselves and believing it. That’s where I’ve been.
It’s hard to surrender the outcome and realize me fixing it won’t last, especially long term. The sponsee has to realize it for himself. I can share my experience but that’s it really.