Happy July 1st! Historically, this has been a tough time of year over the past couple years. I’m glad today can be different as I submit my will to Him and live in recovery today.
I’ve started the day off well. I got up at 6:15 and said my prayers on my knees, then came here to the office and started my Daily Accountability first. Here are the plans I wrote out for today:
study – DONE
work on U project
leave for U
pick up DVDs & money from Kagan
get cockroaches for Reka
ship DVDs at BYU
deposit money for HS
deposit money for MM
help get packed
leave for WI
I’m anxious about the U meeting today but will do my best.
Last night we all stayed up and Beck and the kids watched High School Musical. I sat with them but was working on KP work to try to get that off my plate. I stayed up a bit later to work on and finish that project and when I went to bed, the door was locked. I knocked a few times and Becky said that I could sleep on the couch because I had broken one of her boundaries.
The one I recognized was this one:
If Nate picks up one of his “weapons of war”, such as Facebook, Twitter, staying up late after I have gone to bed, excessive phone use, he needs to tell me about it and discuss what happened within the day (perhaps at our nightly AEIOUY discussion). If he fails to disclose what has happened or why he picked up the weapon, then he will need to stay in the guest room for a night.
Staying up late after I have gone to bed… that was it. I honestly didn’t do it out of resentment or anger or for any reason other than trying to get some of the work off my plate for today. But I should have been more aware and talked to her about it. I sent her this text last night:
Beck, I’m sorry. I was trying to knock off a couple more items on my list so that tomorrow I’m less stressed. I reviewed the boundaries now and just wanted you to know I’m sorry and aware. I believe this is the boundary I wasn’t following – [pasted the boundary above].
I’m sorry again. I’ve tried hard today to keep things balanced and stay facing forward. I feel it was a good day. Writing and pondering in the morning helped ease the fear. I listened to a couple talks, including “Filling Our Homes with Light and Truth,” and I was very aware of the stress you seemed to be feeling. I wanted to help and get things ready with you.
I’m sorry again for getting a bit too into work stuff tonight.
I hope you have a good rest.
I love you.
I hope today will be a good day and that our trip to WI will be a positive one instead of how it went last year. Last year was so hard. I remember feeling so alone and so powerless. I remember feeling sad and remorseful. I remember wondering what was going to happen with our marriage.
I’m grateful that today I have more hope.
I’m grateful that today I believe more that we can recover together.
I’m hopeful that our trip will be a great experience, that Becky and I will connect emotionally, and that I can be patient and loving and understanding, both with her and with the kids.
I will take things one day, one moment at a time and do my best to surrender and submit to God.
As I read Step 3, here are some quotes that stick out to me today:
…recovery was far more the result of the Lord’s efforts than our own.
They humbled themselves and put their trust in the true and living God.” (Alma 5:13)
I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me” (Revelation 3:20)
Our ability to withstand temptation is now grounded in our continual submission to the will of the Lord.
We express our need for the power available to us through the Savior’s Atonement, and we begin to feel that power within us, fortifying us against the next temptation. We have learned to accept life on the Lord’s terms.
As Elder Maxwell observed, this submission to the Lord is hard doctrine. It requires us to rededicate ourselves to His will at the start of each day and sometimes every hour or even from moment to moment. As we are willing to do so, we find the grace, or enabling power, to do what we could not do for ourselves.
You can accept with serenity that although you cannot control the choices and actions of others, you can decide how you will act in each situation you face.
You can decide with courage to trust your Father in Heaven and act according to His will. You can turn your will and life over to His care. You can decide to do what He asks and to keep His commandments.
You may not be able to change some things in your life, but you can change your willingness to trust in God and obey Him. As you learn to trust Him, you will see that His plan is for you to follow what Alma called the “great plan of happiness” (Alma 42:8). You will learn that even in affliction and difficulty “all things work together for good to them that love God” (Romans 8:28) and keep His commandments (see also D&C 90:24; 98:3; 100:15; 105:40).
I’m grateful for the 12 Step Program of Recovery. I’m grateful to be living in recovery today.
I’m grateful for the time I’ll have now to work on my presentation before I head up to the U.