Today is a new day in recovery. Today I had good meetings, both with Janece H. and Jeni S. (Discovery Meetings that I billed for). I also had my 2nd group call with the bootcamp. After those calls, I get so excited about doing things – I just want to keep working and working and working. Balance!
Yesterday was a really hard day for Becky. She was feeling lots and lots of pain and depression. We had a hard talk last night and she was really angry with me. It felt like it was the day of or the day after the big confession.
I did my best to listen to her and let her share her feelings – after all, it is my fault she is having those feelings in the first place. I love her so much and want to do whatever I can to gain back the trust that I once had. I feel sick to my stomach even thinking back to where I’ve been in the past. I feel like that is a totally different person that I don’t even want to know or be around.
Today I’m working hard to surrender.
Today I’m working hard to stay focused on bigger dreams and goals and objectives.
Today I’m working to live in recovery and show Becky, through my actions and attitudes, that I am in recovery and want to make things right.
I think one of the hardest things she reveals that I don’t know how to respond to is when she says, “You’ve never even said this…” I want to say and do all the right things to show her that I love her and cherish her and could never love anyone else. Sometimes, though, I just don’t even know what to say.
I’m grateful she’s not afraid to be honest with me. I’m grateful she’s trying to live in her recovery from the trauma I’ve caused. I’m grateful that today I feel I have the Spirit that helps me just listen and empathize and feel sorry for where I’ve been and what I did to my sweetheart.
UPDATE: Today 7.22.15
Today is a good day. Today I want to live in recovery from my addictions and surrender my will to God.
I’m going to start today by filling out my Daily Accountability. I’m guessing my sponsor thinks I’m lost or gone.
Ok, got that done. Now on to study. I’m going to go through the talk by Dallin H. Oaks titled, “The Parable of the Sower.”
I also just responded to Spencer, my new sponsee, with some follow up questions on his answers and some specific things that have helped me.
Jesus Christ usually inspires His modern servants to speak about what we must do to reform our personal lives to prepare us to return to our heavenly home.
Reforming my personal life – this is an ongoing process.
Elder Oaks talks about the seed (which is the word of God) and the different soils:
…seeds that “fell by the way side” (Mark 4:4) have not reached mortal soil where they might possibly grow. They are like teachings that fall upon a heart hardened or unprepared.
This has been me. I remember specifically when Becky would be trying to talk to me about what was wrong and I was so hardened and kept thinking, “Well, what about you?” or “Whatever, just because you’re so perfect…” How hardened I was to the truth.
Elder Oaks states that his message won’t be directed to those who have hardened their hearts, but instead to those who have chose to accept His teachings. He says:
My message concerns those of us who have committed to be followers of Christ. What do we do with the Savior’s teachings as we live our lives?
What do I do with the Savior’s teachings as I live my life?
How do I use them?
I feel that, today, I am using them to fill my soul with light and truth. I feel like I try to use them as a way to teach my children what’s right. I feel I use them as I’m practicing surrender on a moment to moment basis.
If I don’t pray, and read, and study, and think about what I’m doing, I feel like I’m just leaving His teachings on the side of the road and doing nothing with them.
Stony Ground – No Root
…even those raised in the Church—long-term members—can slip into a condition where they have no root in themselves. I have known some of these—members without firm and lasting conversion to the gospel of Jesus Christ. If we are not rooted in the teachings of the gospel and regular in its practices, any one of us can develop a stony heart, which is stony ground for spiritual seeds.
This, I feel could represent the past me.
Spiritual food is necessary for spiritual survival, especially in a world that is moving away from belief in God and the absolutes of right and wrong. In an age dominated by the Internet, which magnifies messages that menace faith, we must increase our exposure to spiritual truth in order to strengthen our faith and stay rooted in the gospel.
I love this quote. I have to feed myself spiritually if I want to survive. Otherwise, I’m bound to start consuming things that are fake spiritual nutrition.
Thorns: The Cares of This World and the Deceitfulness of Riches
These are “such as hear the word, and the cares of this world, and the deceitfulness of riches, and the lusts of other things entering in, choke the word, and it becometh unfruitful” (Mark 4:18–19). This is surely a warning to be heeded by all of us.
Those who believe in what has been called the theology of prosperity are suffering from the deceitfulness of riches.
This can be a red flag too. If I feel that I’m too busy to pray and read and write – this could be me. I’m so excited about what I’m learning for work, but this can be a distraction if I’m not careful.
If I choose to stay up late at night to work, this can be “the cares of the world and the deceitfulness of riches” choking me. I know from sad experience where this choice will lead.
The possession of wealth or significant income is not a mark of heavenly favor, and their absence is not evidence of heavenly disfavor.
I really, really love this quote:
We surrender to the “pleasures of this life” (1) when we are addicted, which impairs God’s precious gift of agency; (2) when we are beguiled by trivial distractions, which draw us away from things of eternal importance; and (3) when we have an entitlement mentality, which impairs the personal growth necessary to qualify us for our eternal destiny.
We are overcome by the “cares … of this life” when we are paralyzed by fear of the future, which hinders our going forward in faith, trusting in God and His promises.
Fell Into Good Ground and Brought Forth Fruit
We must seek that mighty change of heart (see Alma 5:12–14) that replaces evil desires and selfish concerns with the love of God and the desire to serve Him and His children.
This is surrender and submission to God. This is living in recovery and using the Atonement of Jesus Christ in my day to day endeavors. This is true happiness.
I’m grateful for the time I’ve made today to study and think about where I am in my spiritual progress.
I look forward to a day in recovery today.