Wow, what a great day and what a horrible day, all wrapped in one.
I feel things have been going pretty well with the addiction recovery program. I officially finished Step 1 on Honesty, answered the questions, and felt really good about it. Jason (my sponsor) and I talked alot about consistency, which I feel is a core issue I have; I can go really well for quite some time and then fall back in to forbidden paths and get lost.
I’ve been doing alot better lately with being consistent in my personal prayers and scripture study.
Tonight, after we got home from Costco and pizza, Becky and I had a talk that caught me a bit off guard. I knew something had been bothering her for the last few days but had no idea it was what she revealed…
She had had a couple dreams, one about she and I getting a divorce which, to sum it up in my words, was all my fault – I had fallen out of love with her and there was nothing that could be done. I wanted to love her but there was just nothing there I gues.
The other dream was quite a bit more harsh. Apparently I had a girl in our house and we were up in my room having oral sex. I was pretty open about the whole thing and just looked at Becky like “See, this is what you get…” or something like that. She said the face I gave her in the dream was the same face I gave her the other day in bed when I was disappointed that I always was the initiator or our sexual activities.
Anyway, it was really not a good talk. She also mentioned that it bugged her that I talk to Jason, my sponsor, more than I really talk to her about the “intimate details” of my life. I suggested she go to one of the meetings with the wives and she didn’t seem too interested in that at this time.
I told her, or attempted to tell her, how I felt about things: 1. that I never really felt she cared how things were going for me in recovery process: she never really asks about it except on small occasions when I come home from the meeting. 2. that I don’t really feel that appreciated: when I come home from work she doesn’t even take the time to stop and say hello or give me a kiss or ask how my day was, she has a very specific agenda and has so much to do.
The part of our talk that hurt the most was when she said, “If you choose to fall out of love with me, I know that someone else WILL love me.”
That made me sick. Is she saying she’s planning on that happening?
This whole process of addiction recovery has been really hard. It’s not something I would “choose” to sign up for (although I did because of my choices).
I don’t really know what to say, how to act, or how to handle this situation, other than pray as much as I can that things will smooth over and that as I continue to work the program and draw closer to God, things will work out.
I love Becky so much. I love our kids so much. I am reminded of the part in Step 1 that talks about how “People say individuals finally become willing to abstain when the pain of the problem becomes worse than the pain of the solution.”
The pain of the problem is definitely taking its toll on our whole family. Becky feels “numbed”; I get angry when I continue to make similar mistakes; and I take out that anger on my kids and my wife.
One other thing Becky said is that she’d never seen that anger before now. Mostly that’s because all through dating her and during our first few years of marriage, I had no problems whatsoever. I feel the issues started coming back a bit when we were about to have Caleb. I don’t know if it was the stress of change or if I had gradually stopped doing the little things or a combination of both.
So, that’s how today went. I didn’t get a chance to talk to Jason today but will call him first thing in the morning.
I love my family and the gospel of Jesus Christ. I don’t want this post to be written so “man” can see what I feel, but I do want God to see how I feel. I hope I can make things right.