I feel sick.
I feel like it was the day I told her.
I feel like it’s never going to get better.
I feel like she hates me.
She told me she hates me.
I feel like our kids are going to suffer for this for the rest of their lives.
I feel like death.
I feel like I’d be better off not here to torment and let people down.
I feel like a miserable failure.
I feel like, no matter what I try to do to repent, the pain is still there.
I feel like she’s giving up on me.
I feel like there’s minimal hope right now.
When I feel like things are progressing and I’m getting out of the pit of despair, mornings like today happen.
I don’t feel resentful.
I don’t feel anger.
I just feel sick.
I read really good things last night.
I had a dream last night about being on a cruise with B. We were at a smooth place and some of the people decided to get out and swim. I thought it looked fun and decided to do the same. I swam around for a while and then they called people back in. Instead of obeying, I decided I’d swim more.
As I swam, I must have lost realization of where I was. The next thing I knew, the boat was way far away from me and the current had changed. I was now swimming against the current and felt I was lost.
I kept swimming but was feeling like giving up.
At times I felt the floor of the lake or river, but I wouldn’t stand up for whatever reason.
I was about to give up when, out of nowhere, the boat was there to rescue me.
After the talk with B this morning, I’m not sure what this dream even means.
I’m headed now to a meeting with our counselor, this time with Becky. I’m not sure how this will go but have hope that it will go better than discussions this morning.