Can I Ever Be Forgiven?

I feel sick.

I feel like it was the day I told her.

I feel like it’s never going to get better.

I feel like she hates me.

She told me she hates me.

I feel like our kids are going to suffer for this for the rest of their lives.

I feel like death.

I feel like I’d be better off not here to torment and let people down.

I feel like a miserable failure.

I feel like, no matter what I try to do to repent, the pain is still there.

I feel like she’s giving up on me.

I feel like there’s minimal hope right now.

When I feel like things are progressing and I’m getting out of the pit of despair, mornings like today happen.

I don’t feel resentful.

I don’t feel anger.

I just feel sick.

I read really good things last night.

I had a dream last night about being on a cruise with B. We were at a smooth place and some of the people decided to get out and swim. I thought it looked fun and decided to do the same. I swam around for a while and then they called people back in. Instead of obeying, I decided I’d swim more.

As I swam, I must have lost realization of where I was. The next thing I knew, the boat was way far away from me and the current had changed. I was now swimming against the current and felt I was lost.

I kept swimming but was feeling like giving up.

At times I felt the floor of the lake or river, but I wouldn’t stand up for whatever reason.

I was about to give up when, out of nowhere, the boat was there to rescue me.

After the talk with B this morning, I’m not sure what this dream even means.

I’m headed now to a meeting with our counselor, this time with Becky. I’m not sure how this will go but have hope that it will go better than discussions this morning.