I want to take a few minutes today to express how I’m feeling.
B had a hard time yesterday (had a dream about me relapsing). She woke up early this morning too and had had another dream about me buying someone something (so this morning was hard too).
I feel sick.
I feel so full of regret.
I feel like I’ve broken her.
I feel so responsible to make things right.
In our hard talks she talks about how she knows I’m going to relapse or that this is going to happen again. It’s hard for me not to want to defend myself and tell her this time is different.
I feel this time is different.
I feel like I want to stay so far away from the messes I’ve gotten myself into.
Obviously I’ve had similar feelings in the past, at least it’s seemed that way. In the book I read I believe it mentioned to not reply to statements about her feelings, but instead to just listen and occasionally ask if there are any other thoughts she’d like to share.
I’ve been trying to do that, trying to help her get out all the pain, the hurt, and the fear.
I feel so bad to see her in such pain.
I can tell she hurts.
I can tell she’s scared of the unknown.
I can tell she has doubts about even marrying me.
I can tell she has doubts about her judgment.
I can tell she has questions about why things have had to happen to her like this.
I wish I could just erase what’s happened and start fresh knowing what I know now.
What can I do to receive forgiveness, both from her and from my Heavenly Father?
I don’t know for sure.
Last night I was really focused on showing her that I loved her through being a protector. In our discussions I’ve learned that a protector is basically doing things for my wife and family without thinking “what’s in it for me?” or “how will I benefit from this?”
So, I did the following things:
- vacuumed the living room, hallway, and our bedroom
- started mopping the kitchen floor, although I ran out of cleaner only to find out later where it’s stored
- emptied the dishwasher
- filled the dishwasher
- picked up the toys and other random stuff
- had a bottle of sparkling cider ready to share with her
- got a hot bath ready for her with bubbles (just her)
- rubbed her feet
- ask her questions from the “Love You, Hate Porn” book
- changed the light bulbs in the laundry room
- played dodgeball with the kids
- got the kids to bed on time
I told her that one thing I feel is different this time from other times is that I had absolutely no desire to get on the computer or watch TV while she was gone.
All I wanted to do was things that I felt would be “protective” in nature.
I feel better after writing.
Tomorrow is a big day – the day we determine we are officially done having kids…
Both she and I feel like it’s the right thing to do at this point but I’m still nervous.