Things have been tough still with B and I.
She’s quite depressed and sad, mad, and fearful that I will repeat my mistakes.
I am trying to understand and empathize; I’m trying to be patient and delicate with her feelings.
The mistakes I made were so heart-breaking to her – I do feel I understand her pain.
She went to the counselor yesterday and they talked about why I chose to do what I did. The counselor told her she thinks it’s deeper than just a lack of emotional connection, which B and I had determined was a big part of the issue.
B asked what I thought. I told her I wasn’t sure but would think about it.
Yesterday I came back from a meeting mid-day and heard her talking to her mom on the phone about my recovery and about how I talked with the Bishop. She was saying that the last conversation was all done on the phone and that he gave me back permission to take the sacrament and go to the temple. I didn’t stay listening but it seemed to me that she was upset or frustrated that either more discipline wasn’t enforced, or perhaps she questioned whether or not I told the Bishop everything I’d told her about the online affair.
This concern has caused me to question if I was 100% honest with the Bishop. By no means did I want to hide anything – I want to get everything out on the table and rid myself of my addictions and past transgressions. I want to start new and clean up the messes I’ve made.
I’ve researched “regaining trust” on LDS.org and found this information helpful about disciplinary councils:
Disciplinary councils may also be convened to consider a member’s standing in the Church following serious transgression such as abortion, transsexual operation, attempted murder, rape, forcible sexual abuse, intentionally inflicting serious physical injuries on others, adultery, fornication, homosexual relations, child abuse (sexual or physical), spouse abuse, deliberate abandonment of family responsibilities, robbery, burglary, embezzlement, theft, sale of illegal drugs, fraud, perjury, or false swearing.
The article goes on to say:
As the weeks and months passed, she found that her pain and suffering were actually aiding the cleansing and healing process. In fact, her pain and suffering served a necessary purpose in the process of healing. And the pain that her family experienced was relieved somewhat through the kind and thoughtful attention extended to them by others.
With agony she acknowledges, “Every member of the Church must realize that he or she is capable of sinning. How I have paid for fooling myself about what I was doing!”
We must constantly guard our thoughts. Serious sin almost always begins with unworthy thoughts. Some years ago at the direction of the First Presidency, I interviewed a man for the restoration of his priesthood and temple blessings. This brother had been excommunicated while serving in an important calling in his ward. While we visited, I asked him, “How did this all happen?”
In very sober terms he said, “It all began when I picked up a pornographic magazine and read it. From this subtle beginning, I was led to more and more erotic things—including R- and X-rated films and videotapes—until I committed adultery with a prostitute.”
He continued, “As I look back, I can hardly believe I did those awful things. But I did them, and it all started by reading a pornographic magazine. Brother Ballard, tell the Saints to be careful what they read and what they see on television, movies, and videos.”
A sister who was disciplined after years of faithful service and devotion to the Church said: “I had no idea I was capable of committing such a serious transgression. I had assumed that if I knew something was wrong, I would never do it. Little did I understand the sometimes strange dynamics of human behavior, or what I was capable of.”
Never forget that. Satan is real, and he has the power to “grasp” mortals “with his everlasting chains … and [lead] them away carefully down to hell.” (2 Ne. 28:19, 21.)
At this point in recovery, I’m ready and willing to do whatever I can to help relieve the pain and heartache I’ve caused my wife.
At this point in recovery, I’m willing to bury all my weapons of war.
I feel awful.
I feel sad.
I feel lonely.
I feel the need for the Atonement.
I’m trying to submit my will to God’s every day, every moment, and I feel it’s going pretty well.
I’m considering getting a sponsor again who can help me continue working the steps.
I want to be 100% accountable for all my thoughts and actions.
This is where I’m at today.