Yesterday B and I went on a date and were going to go to the temple to do initiatories. Unfortunately, when we got there, B realized she had her recommend in another bag so we couldn’t go.
We went to Pizzaria 712 then and had a good dinner.
Afterward, we headed to Macey’s to get groceries. On the way, B had questions for me about my recovery, about how I feel about going to the temple, which started a really good conversation about how we’re doing, about hope, and about boundaries.
I told her I was grateful that something inside me helped me not actually meet up with A and do things in person.
At the time, I felt vulnerable about sharing that but it’s something I’d been thinking about and I wanted to share it with her. She didn’t respond too much to the comment then, but it must have bothered her because this morning, when we woke up, she had additional questions about my online affair with A.
The questions, the conversation, the feeling – it was like we’d talked about it all just recently. There was a lot of anger, hurt, and pain I could feel from her.
She asked if we’d talked about meeting up to do things sexually.
She asked how frequently the texts/calls were.
She asked if we’d told each other we loved each other or how much we cared about each other.
She asked about when things stopped – when our calls/texts stopped.
She asked about Ky C and about if there were lustful feelings then.
She had that angry face and was really upset again.
It was a hard conversation.
I told her I wanted to be 100% honest and that I honestly didn’t remember the frequency of the calls/texts. I told her I promise to not be hiding things and that I’d been and will continue to be as honest as I can about the details.
Honestly, it’s all a blur; it’s all stuff I’ve been trying not to think about for over a year.
I’ve felt really bad all day.
After that conversation, B went on a run by herself. When she came back she seemed to be a bit better. She went in the office and wrote for a while and came back to me with a list of boundaries, both negative things and positive things.
I read them over and am really grateful for them. I told her later that THOSE are the things I want to think about and remember in my recovery, not the explicit details of the whole crappy experience with A – that’s something I want to completely forget.
We went to the Morris’ tonight, which was good. Little baby Kyle is doing well. His little hands are all wrapped up. Ty showed me pictures of his hands without the bandages – it’s pretty crazy, especially on his left hand. It was definitely a miracle that things weren’t worse – that the coals didn’t get to his face and other parts of his body.
The whole day I felt so isolated from B though. In our talk last night, she’d talked about how she and her sponsor had discussed putting aside the whole online affair for 90 days and just focusing on the 12-step program. I felt such great hope and a different spirit about her.
Then this morning I wake up to the anger and rage and I wonder, “What happened to the 90 day challenge…?”
PATIENCE is key though for me.
I’m in no place to question too much or argue. Where I feel I need to be right now is just listening and trying to understand where she’s coming from, how she’s feeling, and look for things I can do to help lighten her burdens and pain.
Listening to songs on the radio doesn’t help much: most of the songs are either about sex and love and immorality, or are sung by Katy Perry, who reminds B of the bad choices I’ve made.
I honestly don’t know what I was thinking last year at this time.
I know part of what I was thinking – that I was justified because I felt B didn’t care at all for me. But that was so selfish and self-centered.
I don’t know why I let things get to where they got either. I think in my rationalization I felt like I was either justified or “not going all the way or meeting up with her”.
Do I really know A? No.
Do I have any feelings for her? No.
B just came in to my office to say good night and is sleeping down stairs tonight…
I don’t know if I can get over what you did…
I asked her what had happened from last night (which was so good) to this morning (which was so bad). She said she didn’t know but that “[she] doesn’t know if [she] can get over what I did”.
I don’t even know what to say. She said time doesn’t take away what happened. She said time won’t ever change or erase what I did. She said nothing can erase what I did.
I feel sick like I did the day after I’d told her what had happened.
I feel scared.
I feel so much regret.
Hasta manana.
Nate
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