Detachment Without Options

Well, today was another really tough day: B had her talk with her sponsor this morning and when I got back from golfing with her brother and dad, things didn’t seem to be good at all. Things felt so distant and detached again.

I know it’s bad when we go on a date tonight and we sit in the back and she sits on the other seat and crosses her legs towards the window and looks out the window the entire time.

As we were walking back to the car, not a word was said and she kept her distance from me too.

I was going to ask her about Nauvoo but decided not to. When I got home I prayed about what should happen and then got here to the condo. I decided to write some in my journal and saw her journal entry, which said the following:

I have decided not to go to Nauvoo.  I am afraid of the ramifications of this, but Annie also encouraged me to make a choice and move forward, and ask the Lord to intervene if the choice is not in accordance with His will.  I have used this decision-making technique in the past.

I felt a cringe in my stomach when I read it, but I have to face the reality.

My biggest concerns:

1. How will the kids handle this?
2. Will they even want to go without Mom?
3. How will they travel without Mom?
4. How will it work when we’re there for five days without Mom?
5. Can I actually handle it on my own with the kids?
6. How will my parents handle it? (although this isn’t really a concern – they’ll have to handle how they will and I care more about how B feels)
7. I will not see B for almost three weeks (1 week while in Nauvoo, then two additional weeks when I fly back to Utah for work)

I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about this.

I feel so sad that I’ve put us in this situation.

I’m trying to repent, but it feels like every time I get close to feeling a little better, there are hard days like today that take me right back to the pains I felt when I told her what I’d done.

What’s hard too is that she wants me to feel this pain, or continue feeling this pain, it seems.

Will it ever end?

If so, when?

If not, what am I supposed to do?

I remember talking to the Bishop about this and he reminded me that this isn’t the way the gospel of repentance is supposed to work, although I know she has so much pain and anger and hurt that she has to get out somehow.

I feel sick.

I feel so bad for the pain I’ve caused her.

I don’t know what my family is going to do about this Nauvoo trip.

I read more tonight from the book “The Miracle of Forgiveness”. I’m enjoying it and look forward to continue reading it.

Deep down B not going is probably best. It’s been so hard here in Door County. Every day brings back memories to her that are hard and painful. I can only imagine what it would be like there in Nauvoo, especially with my mom and dad who don’t always know how to handle things best or say the right things.

So, there we are.

I’m not mad at her.

I haven’t talked to her yet.

I assume she knows that I’ve read what she said because she’s setting right here next to me and it’s late.

I’m a bit nervous about how the conversation is going to go but pray that I will submit my will to God and seek first to understand, then to be understood.

Hasta manana!

Nate