What Can I Do When She Detaches?

I started this post yesterday (the 8th) and wanted to finish it this evening before I head to bed.

Yesterday was a TOUGH day. It didn’t start off too bad – in fact, I felt it was going to be a good day; but as the day went on, the detachment and distance and anger and all the things I’ve felt before really started building up.

We went to the White Gull Inn and before we left, I tried to see what I could do to help and got the “Don’t touch me…” comment.

The whole time at the restaurant I got minimal or no eye contact and extreme distance.

Then last night, after everything had slowed down and we had went to bed, the rage came again…

This could have been one of the worst.

I don’t really know what to do in these situations. I tried to talk to her a bit and calm things down, but that seemed to be like adding fuel to the fire.

There are a lot of painful feelings. She is so hurt and I feel that. I truly feel awful for the things I’ve put her through. I really want to make up for all my mistakes and I’m trying every day to submit and look for ways I can help her and serve her and earn back her trust in some ways.

I started reading the book “The Miracle of Forgiveness” today by Spencer W. Kimball. I feel it’s a fitting book for where  I’m at right now in my recovery.

I want to be in full recovery for the rest of my life. I want to submit my will to God every day, every hour, every moment. I want to work the steps of the program and be at peace.

And yes shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free. (John 8:32)

I want to be free from my addictions.

I want to be free from the pain I’ve caused myself, my wife, and my family.

I want to be free from the temptations of the adversary that do so easily beset me.

I want to be free of the weight of trying to handle things and deal with things on my own. (white-knuckling)

I want to be free of impure thoughts.

I want to be free from losing my patience with Caleb and my other kids.

I want to lose myself in service to others and completely turn myself over to God and His Son.

I’m grateful for these desires and I feel they are sincere.

I’m excited for another day.

Nate

p.s. One thing my counselor talked to me about in answer to the question/title of this post was regarding boundaries – but boundaries I can set for B when we get in situations like the one last night.

I need to listen some I think. I can’t just up and leave right away.

But at some point I need to detach, both for my own safety, for the safety of B, and for the safety of our kids. At times she’s gone off when they are around, and this can’t happen.

So here’s a shot and some boundaries I could set – this is just a draft:

• When I feel a sense of detachment, distance, and anger, I will make one attempt to talk with B, letting her know that I am trying to empathize and feel what shes’ feeling. If the attempt is taken well, I will be willing to talk things through with her and strive to understand where she’s coming from. If my attempt is shot down or not taken well, I will leave the situation immediately and will not be willing to put myself or our kids in danger or hearing things they don’t need to hear.
• If the topic of my past mistakes comes up, I will suggest that we change the subject. If the topic continues, I will leave the conversation.

I will need to look over B’s boundaries and think about these more before I finish them.