Day 2 of Our Time Away

Today was the second full day of B and I’s time away from one another (me in Nauvoo, she in Fondy).

It’s been hard. I’ve missed her. The kids have missed her.

But I just got off the phone with her and feel it’s been the right decision for both of us.

For me, it’s caused me to really ask myself direct questions and realize how grateful I am for all she is and all she does.

Yesterday I wrote these notes while in Church and last night:

Attitudes are contagious; is yours worth catching?

Read “Come, come ye saints”

“Being grateful in our circumstances…is a catalyst to all Christ-like attributes.” – Uchtdorf

Jesus, Lover of My Soul

1. Jesus, lover of my soul,

Let me to thy bosom fly,

While the nearer waters roll,

While the tempest still is high.

Hide me, O my Savior, hide,

Till the storm of life is past.

Safe into the haven guide;

Oh, receive my soul at last.

2. Other refuge have I none;

Hangs my helpless soul on thee.

Leave, oh, leave me not alone;

Still support and comfort me.

All my trust on thee is stayed;

All my help from thee I bring.

Cover my defenseless head

With the shadow of thy wing.

———–—––——————
Oh how I wish Beck was here.
Oh how I wish I wouldn’t have given in to the enticings of Satan.
Oh how I wish all the pain I’ve caused could be erased.
Oh how I wish we could all be enjoying our time here in beautiful Nauvoo.
Oh how I wish that I could rid myself of my addictions today.
Oh how I wish I would have continued practicing my recovery years ago when things seemed well and right.

Oh how grateful I am that Beck is still willing to try.
Oh how grateful I am that Beck is giving me one more chance.
Oh how grateful I am that Beck has set boundaries (good and bad ones).
Oh how grateful I am that not all hope is lost due to my awful choices.
Oh how grateful I am that, as I submit my will to God’s, I am liberated from my addictions one moment at a time.
Oh how grateful I am that tomorrow is a new day.
Oh how grateful I am that God and His Son still believe in me, even if it’s just a bit.
Oh how grateful I am that I can repent and at some point make things new and right with all I’ve harmed.
Oh how grateful I am for the Atonement.
Oh how grateful I am for recovery one day at a time. (I’m on day 163 of my recovery today.)

—————
7.13.14

Overall today was a decent day. I could have been a bit more calm with the kids – I will try extra hard tomorrow to work on this. I worked hard and prayed about keeping my chin up and that seemed to work well. I did my best to focus in church while maintaining some sort of sanity with the kids. I thought about Becky a lot and how I could help her. I thought about how much I missed her: to talk to, to smile at, to be with and enjoy one another’s company, to hold hands with, to deal with kids with, to unpack with, to schedule with and plan with, to assess the day with, to go on a walk with, to help me assess how I’m being with the kids, and so on.

I love her.
I couldn’t live without her.
I feel so sick thinking back on where I was and how I got there.
I will submit tomorrow to the will of God so I never get close to that place tomorrow.
I will work on patience and charity tomorrow.
I will study the scriptures tomorrow.
I will pray frequently tomorrow when I’m tempted to yell at one of the kids.
I will be my best tomorrow.
I love the Spirit and how it comforts and opens my mind to what is true and right.
Hasta mañana!
Nate

Unfortunately today I wasn’t my best with the yelling at the kids. It actually started pretty early as Caleb and I got into a bit of a “discussion” about his DS and how much he seems to be addicted to it.

Things did calm down and the day overall seemed to go pretty well. I did apologize to him tonight and felt good about that too.

One scripture I found tonight while re-looking at the story of Joseph and his brothers was found in D&C 64:10:

10 I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.

How does forgiveness work with the problems I’ve caused?

How soon should I be willing to forgive myself?

How will I know when or if I’ve been fully forgiven of my mistakes by God?

Scriptures about Forgiveness

Daniel 9:9

9 To the Lord our God belong mercies and forgivenesses, though we have rebelled against him;

Moroni 6:8

8 But as oft as they repented and sought forgiveness, with real intent, they were forgiven.

Acts 26:18

18 To open their eyes, and to turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan unto God, that they may receive forgivenessof sins, and inheritance among them which are sanctified by faith that is in me.

Doctrine and Covenants 64:7

7 Nevertheless, he has sinned; but verily I say unto you, I, the Lord, forgive sins unto those who confess their sins before me and askforgiveness, who have not sinned unto death.

1 Nephi 7:21

21 And it came to pass that I did frankly forgive them all that they had done, and I did exhort them that they would pray unto the Lord their God for forgiveness. And it came to pass that they did so. And after they had done praying unto the Lord we did again travel on our journey towards the tent of our father.

Mosiah 4:2

2 And they had viewed themselves in their own carnal state, even less than the dust of the earth. And they all cried aloud with one voice, saying: O have mercy, and apply the atoning blood of Christ that we may receive forgiveness of our sins, and our hearts may be purified; for we believe in Jesus Christ, the Son of God, who created heaven and earth, and all things; who shall come down among the children of men.

FORGIVE
See also Atone, Atonement; Confess, Confession; Remission of Sins; Repent, Repentance

As used in the scriptures, to forgive generally means one of two things: (1) When God forgives men, he cancels or sets aside a required punishment for sin. Through the atonement of Christ, forgiveness of sins is available to all who repent, except those guilty of murder or the unpardonable sin against the Holy Ghost. (2) As people forgive each other, they treat one another with Christlike love and have no bad feelings toward those who have offended them (Matt. 5:43–45; 6:12–15; Luke 17:3–4; 1 Ne. 7:19–21).

I will continue to think about forgiveness and what steps I need to take (and continue taking) in order to feel I’ve been forgiven by God for the mistakes I’ve made.

Hasta manana!

Nate