I didn’t feel good about today starting last night when I got B’s email stating that she’d had a hard day.
I shared with her my feelings, my thoughts, and how things were going, hoping that maybe it would help today, being our 12th Anniversary.
But no, it didn’t help it doesn’t appear.
I felt sick to my stomach off and on throughout the day. I wasn’t sure what it was. But now, I feel like I do know what it was – it was a hint of despair or maybe depression or sadness. Despair because I knew that B was going to have a hard day, or had had two hard days in a row; depression because I knew it would be my fault; and sadness because I knew there was not a lot I could do about it now, here, or anywhere.
I haven’t felt sick like this for a bit, but I definitely feel it now.
I hadn’t really heard from B today except for a couple texts thanking me for the flowers I sent her and in response to the Hawke dinner I was served. When I got home from their house about 45 minutes ago, I was excited to get an email stating that the day went better than planned or something to that effect.
Instead, I got a pretty tough email, probably similar to some of our talks where she’s really mad and wants to kill me.
Here’s what it said:
Thanks so much for your email yesterday. I appreciated how much you shared with me. I am so grateful for our supportive friends as well. It has been truly humbling to see how they’ve wrapped their arms around us. The H. texted me today to get your cell #. Did they get in touch with you?
Thank you for the flowers. They were incredibly beautiful and in a very fancy box: it must have been expensive. Thank you for the poem as well. It was cute to think you must have recited those lines over the phone to some little old lady or something. It got me crying right from the start of the day.
But then, last night I was in tears until 2 am & today I couldn’t keep myself from breaking down all day. It was a really hard day. I hate this day. I want to celebrate a different day that isn’t haunted with tainted memories. Every memory I have I am wondering who else you were looking at when it was so stupid to think you were focused on me. Our wedding night makes me want to vomit as I realize that what I thought was a brand new magical experience for both of us, showing you my “nakedness” with complete vulnerability & trust, was something you had probably seen at least dozens of times with far more voluptuous models & left you feeling disappointed & underwhelmed. Last year as I relive what I thought was a perfect weekend at the Grand America, I am left wondering if you were still texting Ashley & wondering where your eyes & mind were wandering as we sat at the pool all afternoon between love-making. Whose body were you thinking about while you were touching mine.
It’s like watching the movie The Sixth Sense, when at the end you learn the truth, & it changes the meaning of everything. You become obsessed with replaying scenes over and over again and pick up the tiniest details and understand for the first time what it all really meant. And none of it seems to mean anything anymore. My mom & sisters say, “Nate loves you, B.” But I don’t even know what that means. I look back at every tainted memory from the past 12 years and wonder what else was going on that I still don’t know, will never know. That is not love. I don’t know what it is. But it is excruciatingly painful. I don’t trust a single day from the past 12 years, because you were lying to me from day one. Whose butt were you lusting after as we took pictures on the lawn in front of the Nauvoo temple? What bikini-clad blonde were you coveting on our honeymoon? Oh wait, that’s right. You prefer brunettes.
I don’t ever want to celebrate this day again as long as I live. This day is dead to me. Let’s celebrate the day you began being honest with yourself and with me. I don’t want to look behind that day anymore. Nothing before that means anything anymore. I am sorry this got bad. It was a very hard day. I hope yours was better.
I still love you.
I don’t even know what to say.
First, it’s not true at all. None of it. I wasn’t thinking of ANYONE but her.
But who am I trying to prove this to? I just feel sick to my stomach after reading this email. “This day is dead to me…” Ouch.
I don’t think I’ll read this email again, ever.
On a brighter note…
Tomorrow morning early I’m going hiking with Adam and Tyson to Mt. Nebo. I’ve never been before so it should be really fun. Part of my would really like to sleep in but getting out will be good for me, especially after the email I just got.
I’m grateful for such good friends who support me.
I’m going to go to bed now – it’s 10:35.
Hasta un dia mejor…