I wanted to take a bit of time to write out my thoughts and feelings – my parents just got home from their temple mission in Nauvoo yesterday and are here visiting for a few days.
Both Becky and I are maybe a bit anxious for how things could be. I’m aware of my tendencies to revert back into old tendencies of checking out, laziness, and shame. I’m also aware of the pressure this puts on Becky to do more than she really should have to do, or feel she has to do.
I’m grateful for this awareness.
I’m confident that things will work out ok as long as we are aware of what’s happening.
I decided to search for the phrase “dealing with parents” on LDS.org and found a good article titled Dealing with Anger and Contention.
It shares a good insight:
Irritations and frustrations will occur in our homes, but frequent anger and contention do not persist where the gospel of Jesus Christ is practiced. A unified effort by both children and parents can bring into the home a spirit of love that can defuse anger and establish peace, respect, and trust.
I’ve felt this spirit of love that seems to be defusing anger and establishing peace, respect, and trust. I’ve felt how much submitting my will to God can help calm me down, give me more patience than I could share on my own, and help me love my kids despite the mistakes they make from time to time.
I feel like this statement really summarizes one of the reasons I’ve been so angry during the trying times of my addiction:
In many ways, expressions of unrighteous anger have their roots in selfishness. Those who respond with anger when they are frustrated or annoyed are saying, in effect, that their feelings and opinions are more important than those of others. If circumstances or the actions of others do not coincide with what they think should be, such individuals are offended and become angry.
This is also spot-on with how I have handled my relationship with Caleb and the actions I’ve caused him to develop:
…selfish people sometimes use anger as a way to control others. With many, it is the preferred means of manipulating people, especially their children. By raising their voices and acting mad, they make others give in to them. Unfortunately, as parents use this tactic with their children, the children adopt anger as the way to respond to anything they cannot control. A pattern of anger is established and passed from parents to children generation after generation until, somehow, the cycle is broken.
How Do We Overcome Anger in the Home?
This is the simple, straightforward answer:
The key to overcoming a spirit of anger and contention, then, is to overcome selfishness—to try to infuse empathy and compassion into our relationships.
Empathy.
Compassion.
How can I infuse those into my relationships, both with Becky and with the kids?
It reminds me of the quote: “Seek first to understand, THEN to be understood.”
I’ve found that when I am willing to listen before jumping to conclusions, the result is always better. I’ve found that when I get down to the kids level, literally kneel down and talk to them face to face, that helps them feel the compassion and empathy I’m trying to share.
I’ve found that if I’m feeding my Spirit and giving it the “spiritual exercise” it needs, at the end of the day I’m not as prone to burn out, lose it, and allow my selfish tendencies to take over.
…emotional responses like anger are actually choices that we make.
…to be angry is a choice we make; it is not “caused” by anything or anyone outside ourselves. If we can teach our children, in both words and actions, that choosing not to respond in anger is within our control, we will teach them one of life’s most valuable lessons.
I really like this concept. How I respond to situations is MY DECISION. As I’m trying to submit my will to God, I’m allowing Him to help me respond more patiently, more compassionately, and more empathetically.
Christ himself told us in the scriptures what he thought of contention:
“no disputations among you. … He that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another.
“Behold, this is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men with anger, one against another; but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away.” (3 Ne. 11: 28–30; italics added.)
These are good questions to consider when talking with the kids about anger, blame, and shame:
- In what ways do we surrender a significant part of our agency to another person or to circumstances when we get angry?
- How do we cultivate an accusing attitude when we look for someone or something else to blame for our negative feelings?
- How is a bond of respect and trust built when anger is replaced by charity?
This is what can happen as I submit my will to God and show Him my love for Him and for my family:
“There was no contention in the land, because of the love of God which did dwell in the hearts of the people.” (4 Ne. 1:15; italics added.)
So it really can happen; contention can be removed from a home as we focus on loving God, on keeping His commandments, and on working on our own spiritual progression.
When we are motivated by love, rather than by selfishness, we will not let anger influence our relationships with each other.
I really like these questions too:
As a family, you might want to ask yourselves the following questions about the nature of anger:
- Can we agree that being angry is a choice we make, not a response that can’t be controlled?
- How can our family make a united effort to abandon anger, to give it up like other bad habits?
- Can we ask for help during family and individual prayers to have better feelings for one another so that feelings of love and respect can replace contention and anger?
I’m grateful for the time I’ve taken today, on a Saturday, to study and think about where I’m at today.
I’m grateful for the love I feel for Heavenly Father and the desire I have to do what’s right.
I’m grateful for how that love helps me love Becky even more than I ever felt possible.
I’m grateful for how that love helps me cherish the kids and love them too.
I’m grateful my parents made it home safely and have the chance to do new work moving forward.
Hasta manana!
Nate
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