A Review of Yesterday and Today

I want to start my journal entry today by trying to review feelings, emotions, and where I’m at.

11.12.14

Today has been a decent day:

• I woke up early, played basketball
• Came back, intended to study, and had a client have questions about monthly fees
• I got that taken care of
• Sort of helped kids get off to school
• Watched Mormon messages
• Got showered, shaved, etc.
• Got dressed
• Went to a meeting with Darin and his wife to talk about their website
• Was there for about an hour and a half
• Came back, met with Crystal about the downstairs bathroom
• Played with the kids a bit
• Went to a BNI presidency lunch at Cafe Rio
• Went to Macey’s to get stuff for Becky
• Brought the stuff back
• Don’t remember what happened then 🙂

11.13.14

Today has been a bit crazy so far. Last night I got a message from Harman about one of our projects – he needed FTP access. So I set it up and sent it to him.

However, when I got up this morning for BNI he said it didn’t work. So I went in and checked on it to find out that the entire site is down – there are no files.

I went to BNI, that went pretty well.

Now I’m back at my office on hold with Bluehost now for over 18 minutes trying to get the back up of the site back up so we can get things finalized for the mobile site.

While I was on hold I went through emails and saw that Tobi had friended me on Yelp. I went to the link and logged into my Yelp account. I realized Tobi was the lady from CCM I saw one of her reviews of a builder and looked at the builder’s account, then their website. I then discovered that the company that built the website is run by a design firm called CCS. Then I find out that Tobi is the owner of this company. Ironic that they had reached out to us to build their site a year or so ago and now they’ve started a design firm.

I then went back to Yelp, still on hold, and looked at recent reviews. I saw one person that looked like Molly, Mandy’s friend. I clicked on her account and looked at her picture (3 of them). Right in the middle of looking I had a feeling of “What are you doing?” I immediately left Yelp and realized that I had let down my guard or got into “browsing” while I was impatiently waiting for BlueHost to answer my call.

I then came here and decided to write down what happened.

As I answered Step 1 questions day before yesterday, one of them was about experiences that cause me to fall into my addictive behaviors.

I’m going to take some time now to write out situations that may put me in danger of slipping:

• When I’m frustrated with a project and don’t feel like I have much control over the outcome
• When I haven’t thought out possible solutions clearly and feel stressed about what to do next
• When I’m tired
• When the kids are being crazy and not listening to a word I say
• When its after work hours
• When I feel like there is so much to do but I don’t know where to start
• When I’m stressed about how I’m going to make things work for the month financially
• When I feel pressure from clients or others to do things that I don’t really know how to do
• When I haven’t fed myself spiritually and my guard is down
• When I feel things are going really well and that “I’m fine”
• When I feel I can handle things on my own without submitting my will to God or asking for His help

These are some specific situations I’ve felt myself in prior to a relapse or acting out in my addiction.

I am glad to be conscious of these experiences and can probably add to this list as I think more about my past.

I’m grateful for submission.

I’m grateful to write down my feelings.

I hope to study more today and work on Step 1 in the addiction recovery manual.

I feel good about being completely honest with myself, with Becky and with God.

I will continue to take one step at a time and will submit to God today.

Hasta luego.

Nate