It’s actually Day 43 today, and I just turned in my Day 43 Step Work, but I wanted to take a few minutes to write out my feelings and what happened yesterday and this morning.
I felt good yesterday: I did a fast for Becky and the new baby to be healthy and strong and for everything to go well. I feel good about where we are at and how things are going in the pregnancy. What I feel best about is that I don’t feel I have any expectations, which is a tender mercy from God.
Yesterday was also nice because we switched times to go to Church from 11:00 to 1:00. Not sure if it was “Sabbath Appropriate” but Becky and I worked together on taking down the rest of the Christmas ornaments and decorations around the house. I felt good because I got it started and it wasn’t something Becky expected me to take charge of. I’m grateful for the feelings I have to want to help out around the house, get things done, and not procrastinate or be lazy (as I’ve been in the past).
I also felt grate last night because Becky and I got to bed early, we each read from books about recovery and awareness, and then we had a great talk about my inventory and how that’s all going. Becky is going to start her inventory today; I told her I’d be happy to show her how the spreadsheet works since both our sponsors are using the same one.
I feel good about the inventory too. Becky and I had had a discussion yesterday and the day before about my anger and resentment towards Mandy when I hear her and Beck talk about going to Oregon and her new church. At first I thought it was because I worried about her, which I honestly feel I do to some extent. But after Becky shared with me her concerns about my anger towards the whole topic, I thought more about why. I came to the conclusion that my true anger about the situation comes from pride – price to want to be right. It bothers me that Mandy leaving the Church is basically saying I’m (and the rest of our family) is wrong. I don’t like that.
I also realize that Mandy’s choices are out of my control; I don’t need to worry about them or let them cause me anxiety or anger. The best thing I can do for Mandy is love her, respect her, and encourage her to do what she feels is best, all while trying to be a light and example to her of what living the gospel does for me and for our family.
One scripture came to mind that I felt was appropriate – Matthew 5:14-16:
Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hid.
Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick’ and it giveth light to all that are in the house.
Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.
I’m grateful for the change of heart I’m feeling already as I think about my character weaknesses, recognize them, and do my best to submit them to God.
I’m grateful for the health and strength of my family: Becky, Caleb, Madi, Chloe, Jayden and Tyson.
I’m grateful for the health and strength of Mom and Dad.
I’m grateful for their love and support.
I’m grateful they serve in the temple and are a good example to our kids.
I’m grateful for the wonderful home we have to live in.
I’m grateful for the ward we live in that is so welcoming.
I’m grateful for a bishop who is supportive and helpful.
I’m grateful for my sponsor and for his time that he dedicates to help me.
I’m grateful for recovery and submission to God.
I’m grateful for the scriptures and words of the prophets, both ancient and modern.
I’m grateful for my career and for the financial blessings I receive.
I’m grateful for the relationship I have with the FS team.
I’m grateful for the love and closeness I feel to Becky today. I’m grateful that I feel she’s trying to forgive me for my awful and hurtful choices.
I’m grateful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ and for all it allows me to do in order to become closer to my Heavenly Father.
I’m grateful for the gospel and the direction it gives me in my life as I choose to submit my will to Him and obey His commandments.
I look forward to another day in recovery today and am willing to submit my will to God in all things.